The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1000: The One Where One Clothesline Fixes Everything

By: 07.24.12

Worst: How Many Of You Watched This And Knew It Was Going To Piss Me Right Off

I thought for sure Rock was going to interact with Daniel Bryan by going limp-wristed and using his My Name’s Billy voice to run vegans through the mud, but I forgot that this isn’t 2001 Rock, it’s 2012 Rock, and all 2012 Rock does is think of a thing he remembers and call you it. John Cena’s a white guy in jean shorts who wins a lot. KUNG PAO BITCH~! Daniel Bryan’s a little indy wrestling guy who says Yes a lot. LORD OF THE RINGS TROLL~! OOMPA LOOMPAS~! People laugh because those are funny sounding words! Who gives a shit if Lord Of The Rings doesn’t really have the trolls he’s thinking of or that Daniel Bryan looks nothing like Tazz.

But yeah, this is basically Rock’s only appearance until January, so I can’t get too up in arms about it. He’s the same shouting, obnoxious asshole that bothered me for two months in the Spring, and when he shows up to promote G.I. Joe 2: RECOMPENSE or whatever I’ll put more effort into getting bent out of shape over the inane bullshit he spews and the deformed, Mae Young’s Hand Baby fanbase who can’t move past it.

My only hope is that interacting with the Rock on Raw is WWE’s idea of making Daniel Bryan more important, just like Eugene, Goldust and The Hurricane.

Best: How Much I Hated CM Punk Here

As I was watching the show, my most bile-spittling rant was going to be about how VOICE OF THE VOICELESS CM Punk was finally face-to-face with DWAYNE and couldn’t come with anything more Pipebomby to say than “but I’M the WWE Champion!” That’s all he did. Rock’s all GET INTO THE RING WITH ME, THIS TIME I’M GONNA GO FULL FORCE and Punk just Halpert Faces everywhere and it’s F**KING INFURIATING. YOU ARE THE ONE GUY I KNOW CAN VERBALLY EVISCERATE THIS CLOWN FROM THE SHOES UP AND YOU’RE DOING A SMILING JOHN CENA PROMO AT HIM? ARGH AND THROWING THINGS

He even just stood there and let Rock dicksmirk his way through an interaction with Bryan and Rock Bottom him, pretty blatantly wedging himself between Good Wrestling and What Actually Happens. He just stood there. During the segment I turned to Destiny and said, “if Punk kicks him in the head during any part of this I will forgive him for everything else”. The segment ended, and CM Punk brushed some dirt off Triple H’s jacket and let Dwayne be the most important person in the room.

Of course, all that changed by the end of the night. So … ignore those two paragraphs.

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Thanks, Tom. Great choice in television programming, by the way.

Worst: Way To Get The Guy Who Can’t Talk Anymore To Be Your Ring Announcer

It’s important that we never forget or undervalue Bret Hart’s contributions to pro wrestling. He’s one of the best in-ring performers ever and was, more or less, the only good wrestler WWF had for the like two years when Macho Man was descending into kaleidoscope cowboy hat madness and Mr. Perfect wasn’t doing anything but falling down. Bret made good matches great and bad matches good, and for better or worse he helped kickstart the Attitude Era, turned Stone Cold Steve Austin into a superstar and voiced the best wrestler cameo in the history of television. Bret isn’t the best there is, the best there was OR the best there ever will be, but he’s on at least two of those lists.

Now, that all being said, some combination of age, stroke and Canadian has made Bret unable to form a complete sentence with all the right words in it, and he shouldn’t be invited to speak on a microphone or introduce anything. THE ONE THOUSAND EPISODE OF RAW! I WANNA INJOO-GINGTRODUCE and so on. I love you, Bret, just ease comfortably into that Stu Hart role of waving from the front row and secretly being able to Old Man Stretch dudes.

Best: Miz Is Doin’ Thangs!

Miz was 100% BIG BEAR on Raw, taking advantage of Christian’s inability to turn the f**king Killswitch to completion in under half an hour and win the Intercontinental Championship. It’s a step back from where he’s been, but probably a great step forward from where he’s been LATELY and a better fit for him in general. In a better world, he’ll spend the next year or two wrestling guys who can actually go instead of pratfalling for Cena and Rocky and finally get up from that plateau he skidded to death on before his championship WrestleMania.

I also liked the BE A STAR campaign clip featuring Miz, where he tells EACH AND EVERY ONE of the kids that they’re awesome, and you just KNOW he doesn’t mean it because he dropped in the bad words. I want to see him hug and child and be all, “WHEN YOU GROW UP, YOU PEOPLE CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE”. Also, the hug would be in the form of a full nelson.

Best: Regis Philbin Namedropping The Destroyer

One of the most unexpected Bests of the night goes to Regis Philbin for being one of the only celebrities WWE ever talks to who actually likes wrestling. Contrast him talking lovingly about The Destroyer (like he’s about to tell you an exciting story in kindergarten) with Charlie Sheen’s opportunistic ass checking his wrist notes to say he can’t wait for The Rock to have a match at Royal Rumble brand pay-per-view show.

The only downside of this video is that this is the first time my brain ever thought, “Oh God, Regis is going to die, isn’t he”. That sounds dramatic, but it isn’t. I’m not a huge Regis Philbin mark or anything, he’s an avenue of popular culture I rarely walk down, but the guy is 80 years old and has spent the last five years having triple bypass surgery and getting hip replacement and blood clots removed and suddenly I’m seeing Dick Clark and Bobby Heenan in my head. The inexorable march of time is an asshole and I hate it, and death is mean. Can we hurry up with the immortality jazz so Regis can be fine, and the best celebrity wrestling fan doesn’t have to be f**king 8-year-old-brained Shaq?

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