The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1000: The One Where One Clothesline Fixes Everything

By: 07.24.12

Worst: Charlie Sheen Telling Daniel Bryan To Man Up

Charlie Sheen is in L.A., and so is SummerSlam, and I’m going to be there. If God exists and loves me, Charlie Sheen will walk down to the ring to ‘Wild Thing’ and wave at everybody for a few minutes, then Daniel Bryan will stomp out, throw one kick to the arm that shatters Sheen’s entire body and the remainder of SummerSlam is just The American f**king Dragon stomping the shit out of him for every time treated a woman badly. Just stomp him right to death in front of everyone. Then we all chant YES, Bryan hugs me and the next season of ‘Two And A Half Men’ starts with Ashton Kutcher in the LeBell Lock.

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Worst: Paul Heyman Is Absolutely Right About These Monstrous Assholes

And now a promo segment from the magical land of Narnia, where bullies are the people who say mean things to you and not the ones who punch you repeatedly, and mentioning a “man’s family” is instant grounds for dismissal for any lawsuit in the United States court system. Inappropriate Ponytail Theatre, everybody.

But yeah, the worst part of a segment like this (and they do them fairly often these days … years, whatever) is that the guy we’re supposed to boo is making a convincing point, and the guy we’re supposed to cheer is acting like a troglodyte. Triple H is being sued by Paul Heyman for assault, so what happens? He threatens to assault him over and over until his wife shows up, balls in purse with her American Gladiators first-leg-of-The-Eliminator walk, to tackle him and punch him a bunch.

I just don’t understand why it happens this way. In the WWE Universe, you CAN’T BRING A MAN’S FAMILY INTO THIS, just like the time Triple H didn’t break into Randy Orton’s goddamn house and assault him in front of his wife. “My family” and “troops” are the safe words for WWE babyfaces, and it sucks. You shouldn’t just be able to go YEAH BUT MY FAMILY and excuse everything. Heyman is totally right — Triple H and Stephanie’s kids have the worst role models ever, a mother and father who got married in secret to overthrow their grandfather’s business, then lied about it by saying their dad kidnapped, drugged and raped their mom while taking her to Vegas and marrying her while she was knocked out. Triple H and Stephanie are AWFUL PEOPLE (the characters, not the people) (also awful people) and no amount of verbal threats will change it.

Again, this segment should’ve ended with Heyman bashing Stephanie in the head with a cell phone or something and running away, because we’re supposed to hate him and think he’s doing something unfair to the 6-foot-whatever 280 pound guy who is a legendary champion and also runs the entire business. The entire THIS business.

Best: Everything About Brock Lesnar Except Him Losing Easily To Guys

When Brock’s music hit and Stephanie was noogying Heyman in the ribs, I thought OH YEAH NOW YOU’RE GONNA DIE. Lesnar charged into the ring and started throwing shoulder blocks and it was GREAT, and then Triple H fought back, cleared him from the ring and made him THROW SHIRTS~ and curse a lot on television.

Now, ignoring the whole “when Triple H is off screen, people should be asking Hey Where’s Triple H” aspect of the fight, why would you do this with Brock Lesnar? You have him for what, 20 shows? A bunch of those are gone. If a UFC Champion monster has 20 dates, don’t you use 19 of them to make him look like the SCARIEST, MOST UNSTOPPABLE GUY IN HISTORY and let somebody beat him and look great on day 20? So far you’ve had him bloody John Cena’s nose, spend 30 minutes having intense business discussions about his feels, lose to John Cena’s terrible fireman’s carry and get consistently emasculated by Triple H. HE’S A COWARD! JUST A COWARD! HE WON’T FIGHT ME BECAUSE COWARD! HE BROKE MY ARM AND IT DIDN’T EVEN HURT BECAUSE MONEY MAYWEATHER BOUGHT ME A ROBOT CAST AND NOW I’M FINE!

Just … I don’t know, let Lesnar kill people? Why is this hard?

Worst: Nice Of Austin To Show Up In Video Game Form

Apparently Stone Cold Steve Austin is:

1. Filming Grown Ups 2, which sounds GREAT

2. Hurt, and on crutches

3. Also filming 16 other direct-to-DVD movies with titles like GUN SEASON where he wears plain t-shirts and holds guns at you and at some point breaks Vinnie Jones’ or Nathan Jones’ or whoever’s neck

so he couldn’t make it to Raw, and his only appearances on the 1000th episode of the show he guaranteed would stay on the air for another decade is in video packages and a losing effort to John Cena in WWE 13. It’s unfortunate, but at least now that little girl who got kidnapped can be saved, and Adam Sandler can bring in another sports guy to punt a duck or whatever.

Best: Santino And Hornswoggle As Stuffed Animal Delivery Buddies And Absolutely Nothing Else

The United States Champion and the guy who clandestinely ran your show for like a year contributed to Raw 1000 by walking around the ring with Rasslin’ Buddies and giving them to random strangers who had enough money to buy front row tickets to Raw 1000 already. My ideas for the characters were as follows:

1. We reveal that Hornswoggle was behind GTV (his name has two Gs in it), drove the Hummer on Nitro (he crashed because he couldn’t see), raised the briefcase (while dressed as the Big Bossman) (Little Bossman) and was the person John Laurinaitis was texting all along. Hornswoggle is then stuffed in a crate and shipped off to OVW, where he will be repackaged as “guy without WWE Contract”.

2. Santino walks into the legends locker room just in time to see Jake Roberts DDT George Wells. Roberts makes Santino lie on the ground and drape his arm across Wells’ chest, and poor Wells vomits white stuff everywhere.

My version of Raw 1000 was very different. The endings were the same, though!

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