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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1000: The One Where One Clothesline Fixes Everything

By / 07.24.12

Lita WWE Raw 1000

Best: ‘Sup, Lita

how you doin’

stayin’ away from those yokel junkies, i hope

Best: Heath Slater Is Now Drinking Heartily In Sovngarde

I love that Stone Cold Steve Austin was hurt/busy and Goldberg reportedly turned them down, so the third biggest star they could come up with was Lita. When she grabbed the microphone to add an addendum to her challenge, I thought maybe Edge was well enough to run out and give OMB a Running Hug. Destiny asked, “Matt Hardy?” which made me laugh for a day and a half, and imagine Hardy tromping through his townhouse or whatever with a pistol, trying to find the Heath Slater ghost haunting him and threatening to steal his angel blood. APA was a pleasant surprise, not because I like the APA — I don’t, they’re garbage — but I love JBL and will accept any kind of on-screen beerdrinkery to get him involved.

The actual payoff to Slater’s match was fine, with the legends showing up to be the WrestleReunion version of that wall in Final Fantasy IV that keeps creeping forward to kill you, but they didn’t really tell a story, did they? Slater got arrogant, leading to a bunch of random people wanting to kick his ass, standing around backstage waiting for him to say something similar to their catchphrase so they could trot out and pin him. I was hoping the ending would be him learning that the power to be a legend is IN HIS HEART or whatever, or maybe have the Legends pick him up and pat him on the back for trying to fight them all … anything, really. Instead we just have a backstage video where Jeff the production guy says “Heath, you got beat by a girl” and OMG going C’MAWN MANNNN.

If I was in charge of Raw (and I shouldn’t be), Raw 1001 would start with Slater going “okay, facing legends sucked, I want to face the least experienced people we have”, leading to him facing NXT guys on Raw. Have him beat a few of them and run into Kassius Ohno or whoever at SummerSlam. You know, give TV and pay-per-view time to people who are not goddamn Road Warrior Animal.

Best: Your Favorite Best And Worst Of WWE Raw Column Moments, Sponsored By Tout

Tout is still new/under ridiculous micromanagement so some of the Touts don’t come with embed codes. Whoops!

Regardless, I want to include a pair I couldn’t embed directly onto the page, starting with this one from Brandon/site favorite Lobster Mobster. Listen to her words and heed them.

Best: SEAN MOONEY, Y’ALL

It’s probably impossible for me to explain how happy I was to see Sean Mooney. I’ve mentioned a lot that I was an NWA kid growing up, but I LOVED Sean Mooney, mostly because he showed up as the host of the greatest baseball blooper tape ever, The Un-Official Baseball Handbook. Sometimes I feel like I was the only person who had it on tape, but it SHAPED me. To this day I write baseball jokes for a living, and if you know me well enough to know about my mascot photo psychosis, know part of it comes from this video package. Let’s GO! ONnnnn with tha SHOOOOWWWWW

Sorry, report’s over, I’m just gonna watch this tape for the rest of the day.

Worst: Do Not Make Me Live Through Rock/Cena II

Rock ran into John Cena backstage, and for most people it was their first teaser for TWICE IN A LIFETIME: JOHN CENA VS. THE ROCK for the WWE Championship at Royal Rumble. For me, it caused my face to do a hissing, Marceline The Vampire Queen scary face thing, crash through my upstairs window and fly away into the night.

I don’t ever want to write about those two guys beefing again, and if you make me it’s just going to be Taylor Momsen GIFs and pictures of baby sloths.

Best: I Want A Video Of Fozzie Bear Doing Non-PG WWE Catchphrases

This was cute, and basically anything with a Muppet on it these days makes me watch with my mouth open in happiness, but

1. Does Fozzie realizes Rock does that thing with his tongue during the Smell What because he’s mimicking licking a lady’s vagina? That’s what he’s doing, he’s eating poontang pie. Don’t emulate that, Fozzie.

2. And if you’re gonna make Fozzie emulate cunnilingus, at least give him a funnier catchphrase to work with, like X-Pac’s YOUR ASS IS GRASS AND I’M GONNA SMOKE IT or Val Venis’ COCKED LOCKED AND READY TO EXPLODE. Would Fozzie Bear brag about how he’s Always Pounding Ass? Just use this innocent bear to remember how f**king crude you were for a decade, WWE, that’s what I’m saying.

3. Best catchphrase every is Konnan’s “THAT’S ENOUGHHHHH” and I’m sad Nitro clips didn’t make the cut.

Best: Your Favorite Best And Worst Of WWE Raw Column Moments, Sponsored By Tout

The second COME ON WHY WON’T YOU EMBED ARGH Tout comes from another Brandon/site favorite, BookSavvy. My response is below.

Kevin Nash poopies


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TOPICS#BEST AND WORST OF RAW#PRO WRESTLING#WWE
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