The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1000: The One Where One Clothesline Fixes Everything

By: 07.24.12  •  264 Comments

Best: Me And Destiny Having Very Different Reactions To The Brothers Of Destruction

I’ll be honest, when Jinder Mahal’s entrance theme started up I went OH MY GOD MUHAMMAD HASSAN IS BACK FOR REVENGE and briefly marked out before falling back to Earth and having everybody else’s reaction to Jinder Mahal’s entrance theme.

Anyway, I watched this segment with Destiny, and we had two very different reactions. I was indifferent to Jinder Mahal bringing out this gang of undercarders to be a thing and then have them immediately not be a thing because Drew McIntyre was the only guy there I liked, and if it’d been Drew Mac, Derrick Bateman, Johnny Curtis, Ricardo in his Chimaera gear, whatever Brodie Lee’s name is now and like, Raquel Diaz I would’ve pitched a shitfit. I did wonder why they stood outside and watched while the Undertaker walked to the ring instead of just ganging up on Kane and beating him to death for five f**king straight minutes, because it’s not like Taker’s gonna interrupt his image to rush down to the ring and help anybody. Then I laughed, because Taker couldn’t get off his LayCool hood properly. Then I got bored, and then I laughed about how Kane and Undertaker looked like they were about to f**k each other.

Destiny’s reaction to the entire thing: “So cool!”

She’s a better wrestling fan than me.

Best: Are You Tired Of These Touts Yet

Thanks, Papermint!

Worst: World Title Matches That Start At 10 PM On Your Three Hour Show And Have Ref Bumps And Two Run-Ins




“F**K! YES! F**K YES!” (this was the other one)

In one jumping clothesline to stop a People’s Elbow cold (and cause Rock to lie on the ground in epileptic shock like his eyeballs were about to roll out of his head), CM Punk justified and vindicated an ENTIRE YEAR of him wearing Triple H’s jacket and shilling ice cream bar novelty t-shirts and being John Cena’s RESPECT PAL by taking Eve and Big Show’s advice and TAKING BACK HIS SPOT.

I don’t know where this is going to go (and frankly it’s not really a heel turn … people in WWE challenge each other by punching now, so what Punk did was no worse than literally everything Sheamus does, it just doesn’t have Jerry Lawler Owen Voicing a thing about him TURNING HIS BACK over it), but if it leads to Punk throwing the spinner belt in the f**king garbage and refusing to pander to people who just want someone to pander to them and becomes the Voice Of The Truly Voiceless again … Jesus, I’ll be the happiest wrestling fan in the world. I already had a little extra spring in my step this morning, because one of my favorite wrestlers stopped being a dipshit for the first time since last August.

Thank you for doing this, Punk, whether it leads where I think it will (a three way dance with Big Show and Cena at SummerSlam) or where I want (Otunga, McGillicutty and Mason Ryan showing up on Raw in New Nexus shirts like nothing happened because they never disbanded). If it leads to you immediately shutting Rock up every time he appears from now until X I’ll buy every stupid ice bar shirt and collectable pendant and wristbands set you can shill. Never be Cena again. Never again.

Best: And Now, Probably The First Ever Tout From A Dog

I appreciate the effort anyway, buddy.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Dennis Haskins


Lobster Mobster (aka “credit for a joke, part one”)

Bryan is just a fan of the Fat Boys, so the groomsmen are dressed up as (Dis)Orderlies!

Dagotron (part two, for being the first person who said it)

Wait, why isn’t that hand half black?


There was once a old man walking home in the snow. He stumbled upon a snake that froze in the ice. Well, he put that snake in his coat, and he carried it home, and he thawed it out, and took care of it, and nursed it back to health. And as soon as that snake was well enough, it bit him. And as he lay there, dying, he asked the snake, “Why? I took care of you. I loved you. I gave you your life back.”

That snake looked the old man right in the eye and said, “Dwayne Johnson, you stupid old man—I’m the Best in the World.”


Looks like someone finally put his balls where his purse is.


“You’ve all been bullied? Then stop being a bunch of little homos!” “We should really stop having Brock give these Be a Star speeches”


Moments later, 9 of those kids were brutally attacked from behind.

Tobogganing Bear

I hope Cena’s briefcase is filled with springy snakes.

Ricky The Steamboat

I like to think Sean Mooney was out barefoot in a field picking flowers when he got the call to be on Raw.

Burnsy ☆

Charlie Sheen really knows how to shoot, am I right, Kelly Preston?

Thanks again, everybody. See you next week, unless I’ve died for real.

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