Best: Thank You For The Wrestling Tonight
I got a little distracted during the main event (Destiny had wandered off to bed and I think I played Scramble With Friends though most of it), but it was pretty entertaining and reminded me of those little guy vs. big guy matches I like to do in the video games. Punk has always worked best as the underdog, and with Show’s recent surge of importance they worked together well. I’m a little sad that they didn’t mention their long, long history together (or at least Show ripping off Punk’s mask when he got his head shaved) (yes, because I wanted to see Serena highlights on Raw), but that’s to be expected. The only Worsts for the match are pretty obvious:
1. DQ finishes where a guy won’t stop beating up another guy are dumb, because this is your job and you’ve obviously beaten the guy to death (and it’s NON TITLE even) so why not just drag him back to the middle and easily pin him and get your paycheck-slash-title-opportunities? This is what you were complaining about before.
2. CM Punk’s elbow looked better tonight, but it’s still a 0.1 on the Macho scale. Note: The Macho scale goes to 100.0.
But yeah, after last week’s abomination I’m happy we got so much wrestling, even with non-finishes and rushed stuff to get to the angles. That’s fine for a Raw, just let the guys wrestle a little before it happens. I’m usually good with that.
Worst: John Cena Is NOBLE And Also Confrontationally Verbose
CM PUNK, I, JOHN CENA, MONEY IN THE BANK WINNER, DO HEREBY ANNOUNCE THAT YOUR REIGN AS WWE CHAMPION, LONG AND STORIED THOUGH IT MAY BE, WILL BE COMPROMISED TO A PERMANENT END NEXT MONDAY WHEN I, JOHN CENA, CHALLENGE YOU, CM PUNK, FOR A WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP ON THE 1000TH EPISODE OF RAW, TWEET TWEET MEEP MOOP
When did John Cena become Low Ki? We knew you were gonna announce a challenge, dude, announcing it next week instead of SummerSlam is a little unexpected but hey, you probably could’ve just told us instead of teasing a Tout announcement and waiting until the time after the main event you didn’t know you were gonna have to say it.
Best/Worst: Raw 1000
So, next week is the 1000th episode of Raw. The show goes to three hours and features tons of big matches and special guests, so it should be fun to recap. Then every episode after that, even the really bad ones, are three hours. That means I may have to find a pool house to cage my dogs by the end of the year.
Regardless, I want you guys to help me out with the 1000th Raw (episode) report. Here’s what you want to do:
1. Invite everyone you have ever known to the open discussion thread. We hit 3,000 comments on a normal 2 hour Raw, so let’s get enough people in and enough discussion going to break the UPROXX commenting record and tackle 5,000. We can do it, and hell, we need some new commenting blood anyway.
2. Sign up for a Tout account and send me a clip of you announcing your favorite moment from the Best And Worst Of WWE Raw column. This can be serious, condescending, a parody of actual Raw tout messages or whatever you want. I’m going to try to feature a bunch of them in next week’s column, because you know that show is gonna be 99% Tout.
3. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
DBry is so good at small packages he can pass the win over to others.
Daniel Bryan – “AJ, I’m in lesbians with you”
CM Punk could never marry a girl who has “let’s light it up” in her entrance song
Nobody tell my wife, but the first time I asked her to marry me it was so I could become WWE Champion.
Good thing Cena didn’t win last year’s MITB…his wife woulda gotten half of his title shot
Half Nelson Muntz
BETTER…THAN EDDIE GUERRERO
Christian better start the Killswitch now if he wants to get it all in before the end of next weeks Raw
What, WWE couldn’t get Chyna to come back for the DX Reunion? Were her demands too anal?
“I fixed the handle!”
*points to Raw 1,000 sign*
As an added bonus, this week’s report features a live Raw report from Mr. Alejandro Lopez, a man generous enough to send me his words and sit in on the open discussion threads all the time. Check that out and send him some love. Remember kids, people who bring @MrBrandonStroud or With Leather signs to Raw get the best treatment.