Best: The Topes Win A Game!
Match aside, the Heath Slater video package gets a huge Best for hitting all the high points of Slater’s recent Legend Killed-By run: “celebray-en”, Vader, “the one man baaaaaa aaaaaaaa aaaaaand”, Sid, and the Three Stooges sound effects we all imagined when Piper and Cyndi Lauper were beating him up.
Aside from two small Worsts — Doink the Clown being (I assume) Brooklyn Brawler Doink instead of Doink Doink or even Eugene Doink and Heath Slater’s finisher being the David Otunga Memorial Finisher Sprint Neckbreaker — I loved Slater finally getting a win over one of these guys. I was worried he was gonna lose to Doink, and we’d invite those awkward kids back into the ring for another round of dancing. I should’ve realized that “is Doink the Clown going to beat Heath Slater” was a clown question, bro.
Best: It’s He, It’s He, It’s DDP
At some point during the night, Casey brought up the idea of Diamond Dallas Page showing up to wrestle The Ryback, and that magical image (complete with Ryback doing a backflip out of nowhere) made it impossible for me to enjoy any actual Diamond Dallas Page content.
That being said, the guy looks great, the Diamond Cutter is still light years better looking as a finish than the RKO and Page is one of the few aging wrestlers who still looks great and seems to be doing something positive for the world. I only wish he’d wrestled Slater instead of Doink, so we could get more than the cutter. My kingdom for a Spiral Bomb. Hell, we didn’t even get his funny Altered Beast WISE FWOM YOUR GWAVE comeback thing out of the corner where he pulls himself up like Frankenstein.
Next week Slater should seriously try to say the worst catchphrase he can remember to have the best chance of winning his impromptu legends match. My advice: show up on Raw and say “Tygress, touch my belt … THAT’S ENOUGHHHHHHH” and neckbreaker the shit out of Konnan.
Worst: Oh Great, Eve’s Back
Is that Cherry back there?
Anyway, hey, remember when “hoeski” wasn’t an offensive thing after all and was gonna get her over? Remember how she vanished for like three weeks and returned to the most mumbley pregnant pause ever? Way to go, everybody!
Eve’s post-segment facial response was 0.5 on the Maria Kanellis Just Got Broken Up With scale, but I liked AJ sorta passively aggressively being mad at her for attention while desperately needing attention herself. I also liked them simultaneously making the other look like a circus freak. Why were they standing so close? The whole segment all I could think was “bite her in the boob”.
Fantasy booking: Eve is not around.
Worst: This Was Fine, But Kane Lost In Four Minutes, So
The match itself was surprisingly okay (partially due to how brief it was), but here are a couple of things that should be obvious:
1. If you can market this as “WWE’s biggest monsters colliding in a No Disqualification Match”, why are you doing that as a throwaway near the end of an unimportant Raw? Couldn’t this be one of those things you get people excited for? It’s Show and Kane I know, but work with me here.
2. If Show and Kane have both recently been in the main event picture, why are you having either of them lose in four minutes on Raw? Wins and losses might not matter, but HOW people win or lose does. Nobody cared that Stone Cold lost at WrestleMania 13, because he lost brilliantly. Nobody’s gonna remember who won this match, how they won it or why it happened. That’s fine for Ryback v. Rosenberg, but these are 10+ year veteran millionaires.
3. LOL at Big Show’s spear. It “bounced off the skull of Kane”, sure, but at least he didn’t jump face first into it.
Worst: Alberto Del Rio Loves The WCW Moment He Was Told To Love
For the record, this is the first time I’ve ever disliked Alberto Del Rio. Of all the guys to have one of their own moments be their favorite, Berto’s the guy.
Furthermore, DX invading WCW isn’t a great moment for WWE, it’s just a missed opportunity for WCW. I sincerely feel like if WCW had opened their doors, let five of the least threatening WWF guys ever into their arena on live WCW television, invited them to get into the ring and sent out Meng and whoever else to beat the dog shit out of them for real, WCW would still be in business and Triple H would be main eventing the Kingsport Civic Auditorium against black Hayabusa right now. Worst case scenario, DX would’ve chickened out and done some dumb “suck it” stuff in the audience, and you would’ve gotten their ratings.