The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 7/30/12: The Abyss Gazes Also

By: 07.31.12

Best: The Tragic Punting Death Of Little Jimmy

Daniel_Bryan_Kick_Little_Jimmy_WWE_RawIf you didn’t think Daniel Bryan was the MVP of last night’s show (most valuable player, not the other one), please revisit this segment, wherein Bryan confirms the location of Little Jimmy and briefly befriends him before kicking him to the outside with the camera following the arc of Jimmy’s fall and berating Truth for cradling an invisible child. AN INVISIBLE CHILD~!

WWE only seems to have one joke for Little Jimmy: kick him. Twitter has two: Little Jimmy got “injured” as a way to write him off the show because he failed a wellness test, and the other one about Jerry Lawler wanting to f**k him. I’m a little disappointed that they confirmed Little Jimmy was okay later in the show, which is some Concrete Crypt bullshit.

Worst: Kofi Kingston’s Arguing Abilities / Titus O’Neil Should Not Be Wrestling Singles Matches

I run down Kofi Kingston a lot in the Best And Worst column, and people always ask me why. The two best reasons I can come up with are,

1. I hate John Morrison and he’s not around anymore, so the next jumpingest guy gets his leftovers, and

2. He’s the most “okay” wrestler ever. Nothing he does is really bad … he’s okay in the ring, he’s got an okay look, he’s okay on the microphone, he’s not super popular and doesn’t get cheered when he isn’t “booming” but he doesn’t get booed or What’d, he’s just totally and completely okay. He’s the Deep Blue Something of pro wrestling. When he’s wrestling, you may forget that wrestling is happening at all.

The only thing he’s really bad at is explaining something to another wrestler. I LOVE it when Kofi has to explain shit. He comes to the ring to find Daniel Bryan lying around screaming about wanting a doctor, and his best reaction is, “hey, come on, man!” That’s Kofi Kingston in a nutshell. A guy who wants to help, but he can’t really do anything but gesture at you and tell you to come on, and call you man.

I paired this Worst with “Titus O’Neil Should Not Be Wrestling Singles Matches”, because seriously.

Worst: Rape Jokes

Here’s the part where I have to practice what I preach.

I love Abraham Washington. I loved him when he was hosting a talk show nobody got on ECW, I talked him up forever in the hopes they’d bring him back up and let him do something on TV, and I love every time he shows up with a headset to yell things like YO MAMA to distract Kofi Kingston. That all being said, comparing Titus O’Neil’s unstoppability to Kobe Bryant raping a lady is the lowest possible brow and he should be f**king ashamed of himself.

When we watch wrestling, we have to be okay learning that a wrestler we hate has improved, and in the same vein we need to call out wrestlers we like when they shit the bed. If A.W. lost his job over this it’d be unfortunate, because I want him on TV, but I’d understand and wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. My opinion on rape jokes is officially as follows: I think a comedian should be able to make jokes about whatever he wants, and I think a comedian who wants to make rape jokes is a crappy comedian. A rape joke CAN be funny because of context or sudden awkward inappropriateness (see: David Brent interrupting a training exercise on the The Office to report a rape), but rape jokes are not funny in and of themselves and if you make rape jokes you are a dumb idiot.

So yeah, AW, have my arbitrary “Worst” designation because that’s the worst thing I can give you. Don’t do that again.

Best: Half Of Randy Orton Is Back!

A slimmer, more Jim-Parsons-bodied Randy Orton made his return last night, and as longtime readers of the column may remember I like having the guy around and love the hell out of his stupid “hunting” taunt. He’s impossible to figure out emotionally … last night he was a weird combination of sleepwalking and super excited, and that’s exactly the dude I’d be most afraid of. He’s a normal every day chum, but something’s off about him and you just can’t put your finger on it and then suddenly he’s MAKING SNAKE NOISES AND WHAT AAAAHHHH

Now we just need to quickly get Orton into a storyline that asks him to do more than silently RKO and pin heels, but not to the point he has to talk about it.

Best: A Moment Of Appreciation For The Continued Presence Of Heath Slater

My favorite catchphrase right now is easily “The ONE MAN BAAAAAAND, BAY BAYYYYYY”, almost exclusively for the impossible douchebaggery of the “baby” pronunciation.

I’m extremely excited that Heath Slater gets to stay on Raw and lose decisively to folks, because he makes it look better than anyone. Maybe this is a botched Fame-Asser talking, but I think I prefer Slater’s sell to Zigglers … Ziggler flops around and exaggerates everything and it’s wonderful, but it’s also sorta muddled by his “show off” gimmick to the point where you don’t know if he’s actually supposed to be hurt or just doing his best Shawn Michaels to everyone else’s Hulk Hogan. Slater’s sell is more refined. He can end up in a headstand off a Clothesline From Hell or twist his entire body and spin his hair around to sell a Big Show knockout, but you never see it and go “ha, look at that hilarious sell”. He’s selling the shit out of it AND making it look real. He’s not just falling flat on an RKO, he’s jumping into it like he’s trying to dunk a basketball with his head.

It’s pretty funny to think that aside from Daniel Bryan, Heath Slater is the most important Nexus guy. David Otunga was the cronie to a guy who isn’t around anymore and is off somewhere filming a movie. Wade Barrett got emasculated by everyone important and got hurt, Skip Sheffield is on Smackdown so the “Goldberg” chants won’t be so loud, Justin Gabriel is our backup Tyson Kidd and Darren Young’s one half of the Rape Is Funny tag team. Heath Slater was a focal point of Raw 1000 and had a match with a 9-time world champion on Raw. Who looks like Wendy now, baybayyy?

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