Best: MILPH, And Tag Team Matches Going 15 Minutes
I can’t take credit for R-Boom, but if The Miz and Dolph Ziggler from any kind of lasting alliance I’m taking credit for calling them Milph. With Vickie as their valet, it’s even better.
It shouldn’t have been super surprising, but the Christian/”Lionheart” Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler/Mike “The Grown-Up” Mizanin tag team match was fantastic, and if 3 hours of Raw hadn’t been one other good match and 2 hours 20 minutes of commercials and recap videos it would’ve been a really good show. Miz continues to look like an actual, athletic human being, Christian continues to be the most Christian Christian he can be and Chris Jericho has found some semblance of a spark again by being Suit and Sycophants Chris Jericho with Y2J’s moveset. As someone mentioned on Twitter, I’m happy Christian and Jericho could put the “ASS CREAM” incident behind them and work together.
Oddly enough, the weak link of last night’s match was Dolph Ziggler, who just couldn’t seem to vibe like he usually vibes and at one point did a jumping asshole to nowhere.
Worst: Dolph Ziggler’s Jumping Asshole To Nowhere
When you’re a guy who doesn’t screw up a lot, we remember your screw-ups. People love the Sin Cara Botch meme, but outside of being clumsy and just generally kinda falling down he hasn’t done anything remarkably memorable. A good example here is Randy Orton. Remember that time Chris Jericho had a guy in the Walls of Jericho, and Orton was supposed to run up and RKO him, but instead of just doing it he got a running start against the ropes, jumped through the air like an idiot, missed completely and landed in shame? Of course you do. That’s what happened with Ziggler last night, when I guess Christian was supposed to take a Rocker Dropper or counter it into a powerbomb but didn’t stand up all the way so Ziggler just called an audible and executed the JUMPING ASSHOLE TO NOWHERE.
The match ended with Ziggler hitting Jericho with the Money in the Bank briefcase and just kinda standing there grimacing, and the only two things I could think were
1. Man, his body and face are two completely different colors, and
2. JUMPING ASSHOLE TO NOWHERE
Best: Daniel Bryan As Walter Kovacs
Watchmen is one of the three things in this world I love more than pro wrestling, so of course Daniel Bryan’s psychiatric evaluation (complete with rorschach blots) reminded me of issue #6, wherein Dr. Malcom Long tries to cure Rorschach of a mental disorder and ends up having to accept the empty, black meaninglessness of life. In this segment, Dr. Long is played by “guy with stethoscope”, which is WWE’s only possible interpretation of “doctor”, but even that’s better than what he got in the movie.
Anyway, if I was booking Raw (and I should never be allowed to) I would’ve went all the way with it, if only hear Daniel Bryan scream “I’M NOT PUTTING YOU IN THE YES LOCK, YOU’RE BEING PUT INTO THE YES LOCK WITH ME” and to watch Hornswoggle get slaughtered in a men’s room.
“Boobs” and “The Phillie Phanatic” are the other two.
Worst: Jerry Lawler: “THIS CHINESE GUY SHOULD CHANGE HIS NAME TO CHING CHONG CHING”
Lord Tensai, Still
How funny is it that awesome ass Lord Tensai with the Mountain Dew spit hand and plus-sized Great Muta gear had to be “depushed and repackaged”, and what they came up with was “take away his lordship, don’t let him wear as many clothes and make his underwear look more like a Fruit Roll-Up”?
I’m a fan of Albert’s and want him to be a cool and important part of the show, but the momentum is dead and it’s time to wash off the facial scribblings, grow back out some of that chest hair and start making choo-choo noises before you run into people. Or better yet, give us one backstage segment or interview where Tensai explains anything he does so we don’t have to blink through another stupid “HE’S BEATING UP HIS FOLLOWER!” thing. One f**king interview where he says “yes, I was Albert, but now I am SO MUCH MORE LOOK AT MY DEW BREATH” and people are stupid for chanting Albert. One f**king interview where he says “hey, WWE guys sure are tougher than my Japanese competition! Time to try harder!” and he’s got motivation and a reason to do LITERALLY ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS.
If Tyson Kidd is on Raw five more times this year, he can say he spent 10 minutes on Raw.
Worst: And Now Suddenly Kane Again
I’m giving this a Worst because (1) Kane, and (2) Kane showing up out of nowhere to give Bryan the Red Light Special, but if AJ is sincerely lording her General Managership over Daniel Bryan and CM Punk for treating her like an object for a month, shouldn’t she be really super nice to Kane? He never put his hands on her, he never threatened her, even in a match, she used him for ALT KISSES for a few weeks and he eventually nutted up and said “hey, this isn’t gonna work out, things are complicated”.
Kane should get to be her boyfriend now. That’s how the world should work.