Worst: The Worst 22 Minute Opening Segment Featuring Three People I Love Ever
to … write
this … this paragraph …
like AJ spoke in the opening segment of Raw. Look, I’ve been a supporter of AJ’s since long before it was cool. I love what she’s been doing lately. I have at times loved CM Punk as much as a wrestling fan can possibly love a wrestler and Daniel Bryan in one form or another has been my favorite pro wrestler in the world for a decade. Most of the time I give Bryan and AJ Bests because I like whatever they do, and I give 2012 CM Punk a lot of Worsts because I know he could do better. I have my taste leanings, and I try to own up to them.
That being said, this opening segment was f**king garbage, and aside from some barely-intentional humor in Daniel Bryan suddenly ALSO proposing marriage, it was a slow, stupid, puerile waste of my time. I am saying this as a dude who is choosing to watch pro wrestling in primetime and write about it later. It set a really dangerous tone for the rest of the night, one the night followed-through on with EXTREME PREJUDICE, and made this dancing happy fantasy from two years ago of Bryan Danielson, CM Punk and cute FCW Divas opening Raw into a wank-gesturing hellscape.
And guess what? The worst part is that by the end of the night, this seemed like a pretty good segment. As far as I can tell, this was the only Best for the first 22 minutes of Raw:
As weird as it sounds, taking Kane out of this angle was a terrible idea.
Worst: Sheamus Is An Asshole
or, Worst: Jack Swagger Should Probably Contact NWA Smoky Mountain
The first 40 seconds of this video is the entire match, by the way.
If you missed Smackdown, Alberto Rio (© Jerry Lawler) attacked Sheamus, draped him over the front of his
rented come on tell them it’s rented automobile and slammed the hood across his back. Sheamus is Sheamus and it didn’t look like it hurt that badly, but in the world of wrestling the sell is what matters, and Sheamus chose to sell the attack by showing up to Raw perfectly fine and beating Jack Swagger in 40 f**king seconds. The people in the audience waited through a 22 minute conversation about marriage proposals and a 5 minute dead silent commercial break to get 40 seconds of action, a video taunt and 1 more second of action. Then, detective jokes!
But seriously, aside from my schtick about hating him for the Daniel Bryan match at WrestleMania, Sheamus has got to be one of the least morally acceptable babyface World Heavyweight Champions ever. Every time he feuds with somebody he sneaks up on them and attacks them from behind, and here he responds to Alberto Del Rio’s taunts by kicking a helpless, non-confrontational and already beaten Jack Swagger in the face. He should just make the total transition and start offering pints of Guinness to the Divas, yelling “OH YA DON’T WANT THAT, DO YAH” at them whether they drink it or not and Brogue Kicking them in the face.
And while we’re on the topic of what people should do, Jack Swagger should put his shit in a cardboard box and wait outside until somebody comes to pick him up.
Worst: That’s The Same Pipe R-Truth Had In His Mouth, Isn’t It
There are only a few things the WWE higher-ups find consistently funny, and one of them is “people dressing up like Sherlock Holmes when they have to solve a mystery”. It’s the same hat and pipe every time.
People like to point out that Raw’s target audience is kids, and that they do a bunch of stuff like this so the kids will laugh, but seriously, what seven-year old in 2012 laughs at f**king Sherlock Holmes jokes? Not even Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes, I’m talking straight-up magnifying glass to the eye Inspector Clouseau bullshit. Is your seven-year old laughing at this? Hey WWE, what the Nickelodeon laugh track says is funny on iCarly isn’t an accurate gauge of what kids are laughing at. This is Santino, for God’s sake, the guy with a SNAKE FOR AN ARM and he’s putting his face against a production crate because “you are stupid” is the only joke WWE’s come up with since 2001.
The least they could’ve done is have Zack Ryder be meta about it, and break out an “ARE YOU SERIOUS BRO” before disappearing off-screen again to play with action figures on his webcam, or whatever the hell Zack Ryder does with his time these days.
Worst: Awesome, 15 More Seconds Of Tyson Kidd
Tyson Kidd made his second straight appearance on Raw in anticipation of his big Money In The Bank ladder match appearance, and for the second straight week his appearance was kept to sub-30 seconds and ended with plus-30 seconds of him being beaten up. Is it weird to anyone else that WWE only seems to know how to have wrestlers get beaten up AFTER the wrestling match? Wrestling is how wrestlers get hurt. Even Jerry Lawler mentioned how Dolph Ziggler “didn’t do anything in that match”, and they said it was because he was smart and perfect because they can’t say “thirty f**king seconds isn’t long enough to feature more than two wrestlers”.
The only upside to this is Cole breaking out that “the ring apron is the hardest part of the ring” factoid. You’re right, Michael! It’s way harder than those four giant rods in the corners or those huge pieces of metal that actually make up the ring’s construct and require two or more guys to carry, or the ring steps John Cena tries to convince us weigh 2,000 pounds or the floor under the ring or the security railing around it or that table you’re sitting at with the metal monitors that could shock or explode people if wrestlers weren’t courteous enough to remove them before trying something. That ring apron is a motherf**ker.
I know Tensai was in Japan long enough to know that ring apron moves don’t hurt unless you do them FROM the apron and jump downwards.