Worst: I Hate You, 75% Of The WWE Universe
This is where I went to bed. The rest of this column is pulled out of my ass so grandiosely that the overrun is just footage of my colon*.
Worst: Lawler Vs. Cole, F**king AGAIN
This is the first time I’m watching this. Initial thoughts:
1. Booker T rolled Michael Cole into the ring before the match began, so the Anonymous GM reversed the decision of the circa one minute match that was just a guy fleeing and getting caught in an airplane spin.
2. How depressing is it that this is a WrestleMania rematch?
Worst: The Anonymous Raw GM Payoff We Deserve
The anonymous Raw general manager is Hornswoggle. Of course it is.
The computer makes noises when nobody’s touching it, so maybe the computer is the general manager (created by … wait, has there ever been a scientist wrestler?). Maybe I ate the wrong part of the blowfish and died during Nickelback and this is just what it looks like when you’re dying. Why would Vince McMahon leave his flagship show in the hands of a dwarf who once pretended to be his son to steal his money, and furthermore, why does Jerry Lawler think Hornswoggle is a child? And didn’t Hornswoggle have to ask Santa for the power to speak? Vince McMahon put a mute dwarf leprechaun in charge of his show? Didn’t they talk on the phone a bunch? Was it just Vince going “glad to have you on board” and Hornswoggle going “EH, EH EH, EH EH” on the other end?
Join me next week for “The Best And Worst Of Anything But This”.
Worst: “Tout” Is Here To Make Raw Worse
Quick thought before I go … you know what would make Raw better? If the 75% who wanted to see Cole/Lawler in July of 2012 got video clips of them saying WWE catchphrases aired in little boxes during matches I’m trying to watch. Don’t ask US to “create”, WWE, DO THAT PART YOURSELF AND ASK US TO ENJOY IT.
Worst: Even The AJ Stuff Is Bumming Me Out This Week
Here’s Punk and Bryan doing the finish to Silva/Sonnen II, because even they don’t want to be on this show.
Why didn’t Punk and Bryan learn from last week, when she pushed them both through a table and laughed about it? Why is “getting slapped” suddenly some crazy wake-up call?
This is just angry questions now. I’m sorry. I’m going to heal up and do better next week. UFC vet and dot com writer Danny Boy Downes is gonna be writing up the Best and Worst of Money In The Bank report while my brain tries to pull a T-1000 and pull itself together. I’ll be back for the next night’s Raw, which has GOT to be better than this.
I love you and I apologize.