People are stupid. That’s obviously a running theme around here, but the thing is that celebrities know that people are stupid. Even stupid celebrities know that people are stupid, because that’s how those morons are even famous in the first place. Fortunately for those stupid celebrities, they’re surrounded by people who want to make money off of them, and they’re smart enough to understand the 15 Minutes concept. And that’s the reason why the greatest 14:59 marketing push has always been the celebrity exercise video.
Celebrities are usually in great shape because they have teams of trainers and dieticians that help them around the clock, because if Kim Kardashian didn’t have people helping her, she’d be more ass than a donkey farm. Marketing teams, though, know that they can capitalize off of the public’s stupidity by letting us believe that celebrities just have some inside knowledge on what it takes to keep it tight. They don’t. But that won’t stop them from profiting.
Yesterday, my hipper colleagues at The Smoking Section published a horrifying breakdown of 7 90s Stars We Wanted To Screw But Not Anymore, and if you haven’t read it, I urge you to check it out. Just a warning – the Nikki Cox part is beyond depressing. They also included Blossom’s Jenna von Oÿ, one of my biggest teenage crushes, but what ultimately blew my mind is that she had her own exercise video. Then it clicked – we’re not just stupid, but we’re perverts, too.
Kudos, Hollywood marketing gurus, for your incredible ability to turn worthless, aging nobodies and random famous people into million dollar exercise icons by focusing on our desire to get impossibly fit fast and easy, and also to ogle attractive women in spandex. It’s almost too easy.
Behold, then, this collection of ridiculous celebrity workout videos that will hopefully waste a good hour of your day.