Worst: Jinder, Close The Window, Bro
I still like the basic idea of the Jinder Mahal/The Ryback feud — Ryback shows up and destroys a bunch of nobodies, Jinder takes offense because ANYBODY could destroy those nobodies, and he’s right, but he’s underestimating Ryback’s actual potential — but Jinder committed an unforgivable crime on Raw: not closing the window.
I’m not a pro wrestler but I spent some time in pro wrestling school (because you should always at least attempt to know what the hell you’re writing about), and one of the first goddamn things they taught me was to “close the window” … to bring your arms in close and eliminate those gigantic gaps of space between your arms and the thing you’re supposed to be hurting on the other guy, because it’s not supposed to really hurt them, but it’s supposed to f**king LOOK like it hurts. You’d think “make it look like it hurts” would be the most obvious thing about learning to wrestle, but here’s Jinder Mahal putting on a camel clutch ON RAW by clasping his hands together like 8 inches in front of Ryback’s chin and Chicken Dancing his elbows out as far as he can. Ryback’s grimacing and trying to sell it because that’s his job, but Jinder is not doing him any favors.
Cena does this with the STF all the time, like he’s trying to crush your head with his forearms instead of locking the face (the “F” part). Maybe the announcers could’ve been like “Jinder’s too confident so he’s not locking the hold in tightly enough” instead of LOOK AT THE POWER OF JINDER MAHAL BLERGH so Ryback powering out would’ve had some logic behind it and the ACTUAL camel clutch could still have some worth. Who am I kidding? I’m surprised Cole and Lawler even know who Jinder Mahal is. There’s an 80% chance Lawler thinks he’s Alberto Del Rio in a turban.
Worst: Sheamus Is The Worst Person In The World
Ah crap, here’s one of those places where I have to write about WWE babyfaces being a dog’s asshole. Nope, not gonna do it.
To briefly recap what happened at SummerSlam, Sheamus (the good guy, because he’s great and white) hit Alberto Del Rio (the bad guy, because he’s great and not) with a shoe and covered him for a pin. Del Rio brought Ricardo into the ring and introduced the shoe, so that’s not the bad part. The bad part is that Del Rio got his foot on the rope before the three count and Sheamus got away with it anyway, even after everyone saw the replay. Sheamus posed and cheered as Del Rio “whined” in the ring, because someone wronging you is only valid if you’re likable.
On Raw, Ricardo tried to distract the referee in the ADR/Randy Orton match and Sheamus ran him off, which is perfectly cromulent. Del Rio runs up and Carlitos Orton, covers him for the pin, Orton gets his foot on the rope. The referee is out of position and doesn’t see it, so Sheamus REACHES INTO THE RING TO GRAB THE REFEREE and direct him to the foot on the rope. The referee thinks it’s PERFECTLY FINE to be GRABBED BY A WRESTLER FROM OUTSIDE THE RING AND TOLD WHAT TO DO. Del Rio is rightfully enraged, which leaves him open for an Ace Crusher, and he loses. Jerry Lawler’s call: “Good job!” Sheamus is all AW SHUCKS about it and Del Rio gets what he deserves.
You know, for being cheated at SummerSlam. Draw your own conclusions. There’s nothing else on Raw that will make me write about how these guys are awful babies, I’m sure of it.
Best: Antonio Cesaro’s Celebratory SummerSlam Tout
Antonio Cesaro is right behind Derrick Bateman as my favorite WWE Touter. I want him and Aksana to do their Foreign Language Bit about it.
Aksana: “In Russian!”
Aksana: “In Chinese!”
Aksana: “In Polish!”
Aksana: “In French!”
Cesaro: “le tout”
Alternate punchline –
Aksana: “In German!”
Best: Damien Sandow Beat You In Less Than Three Minutes, Fat Man
Come on, at least let me get off the page before I have to write about this again.
Damien Sandow, my intellectual savior and martyr, has sneak-attacked Brodus Clay over the last few weeks. Brodus wanted a straight-up one-on-one match to destroy Sandow, even mentioning during the WWE ’13 panel how he was excited to have Sandow in the game so he could slap him around any time he wanted. Brodus finally gets that match on Raw and Sandow pins him in less than three minutes with a roll-up. In response to the loss, Brodus attacks Sandow, splashes him and dances with a bunch of kids.
I don’t understand any of this. They’re f**king with me at this point. Sandow is clearly the bad guy here, but instead of getting another match to even the score of a Night Of Champions thing when his leg is totally healed, Brodus just Pearl Harbors Sandow for no reason other than poor-ass sportsmanship and then INVITES CHILDREN INTO THE RING TO DANCE WITH HIM LIKE HE’D WON. And the kids dance, because they’re stupid kids and weren’t paying attention anyway. I would’ve killed for one kid, just ONE KID to wander away from the dance party to check on Sandow.
Worst: “The Tights”
The justification for Brodus’ attack, of course, is that Sandow “cheated” to win by “grabbing the tights”.
I want you to look at that picture on the right. The idea behind “pulling the tights” is to get unfair leverage on a guy so he can’t kick out. How much leverage does it look like Damien Sandow has here, and how much MORE leverage do you think he got closing his hand with 1/1000th of Clay’s singlet in it? Brodus outweighs him by like 200 pounds. If that minuscule amount of leverage (“leverage”) kept Brodus from kicking out, that’s on him. It’s certainly not a crime warranting a sneak attack and a bunch of children dancing on your grave.