The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/20/12: Tonight's The Night (To Retire Via Tout)

By: 08.22.12  •  184 Comments

Worst: Shawn Michaels Looks In Triple H’s Closet, Finds His Old Shirt, Clutches It, Bursts Into Tears

Okay, I gave this video a Worst, but it’s also an ironic Best for being the funniest moment of Raw.

WWE visits Shawn Michaels in his home in San Antonio, because having your arm broken means you can’t leave your house. Shawn mournfully recounts the “end of an amazing career” for Triple H, a guy who is in control of the company, beat the WWE Champion less than a year ago, came closer than anyone ever has to beating the Undertaker at WrestleMania less than six months ago and went 30 minutes with an unstoppable MMA monster and sent him stumbling away with vomit in his mouth LAST NIGHT. The coolest, toughest, smartest person in the room loses one match and gets hurt and suddenly we’ve got to set him adrift on a wooden raft and burn his body?

This is what I was talking about in the SummerSlam report. Triple H wants these special moments of reflection, but he’s never been vulnerable enough to deserve them. You were clotheslining Brock Lesnar out of the ring like it was nothing what, two weeks ago? And now you’re sad about losing so we cry littering Indian tears for you? Get over yourself. You and your water body and fat-looking suit and Inappropriate Ponytail will be back and down our throats before they can design you another shitty Latin t-shirt.

You’re too good for this, Shawn. You don’t need to be your pal’s frail conscience.

Best: A Still Frame Of Triple H Being Valiant Because LOL, They Can’t Show The Video

You know the white board for Raw said “show footage of Triple H’s emotional farewell, talk about it with Owen Voices” on Sunday morning. On Sunday night, Jeff the Production Guy (or whoever) is nervously asking, “so uh, do you still want us to show it” as Vince wipes it away with the crotch of his pants.

It would’ve been pretty cool of them to show Triple H making I Love You I’m Sorry face at us while we scream YOU TAPPED OUT at him, or at least attribute that lazy “Bizarro Land” tag to it. I spent three hours waiting for my Tout to show up, too, but I guess they were too busy wedging Khloe Kardashian’s Snuffleupagus-looking ass between me and The Game’s ego.


Worst: Welp, Welcome Back, Dave

I didn’t expect a lot from David Otunga vs. The Big Show, but after that surprisingly good match Otunga had with Sheamus a while back (and his upcoming role alongside Oscar Winner Holly Barry) you’d think they would’ve at least given him some kicks to the knee or something. Otunga got squashed, and the words “REAL MOVIE STARRING BLACK PEOPLE < FAKE WRESTLING WAR MOVIE STARRING RANDY ORTON" flashed on my screen. Maybe they should bring in the cast of The Day to beat Big Show now. I don’t remember who said it, but I love that The Day’s plot is seriously, “the lights go out, so now everybody has crossbows”.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Wade Barrett’s return will get the Nexus back together, since all the Nexus guys are awesome now. A Wade/Justin Gabriel/Heath Slater/David Otunga/Darren Young/The Ryback/Daniel Bryan group looks pretty f**king sweet in 2012, doesn’t it?

Worst: Parejas Increibles

AJ continued her sassy skip into Teddy Long Land by making a tag team match between rivals to “teach them about anger management” or something, and it ended up being a five-ish minute mailbox with about a minute of Daniel Bryan being awesome and roughly four of Zack Ryder being the least important Important person on the WWE roster.

Worst: Michael Cole Namedropping “That Old Show” NXT


Worst: But No, Seriously, Zack Ryder

I can’t remember the last time Zack Ryder has a showcase match on Raw (or a match on Raw), and at least back in December you could be all, “heh, Zack got beat quick but he’s MAKING IT” about it. Now he shows up looking dumb in a graphic and Cole is all, “REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN ZACK RYDER AND KANE??”, and Lawler goes “heh, I sure do!” and maybe mentions the wheelchair sport and completely glosses over the fact that Kane systematically manipulated John Cena’s hatred by using Ryder and the girl Ryder was crushing on against him, tried to kidnap his would-be girlfriend, BROKE HIS BACK and F**KING TRIED TO LITERALLY MURDER HIM WITH FIRE. The wheelchair is a great thing to remember, yeah, but if John Cena hadn’t pumped iron that day Zack Ryder would be IN HELL burning in F**KING FIRE.

Also, Miz and Daniel Bryan can’t STAND each other!

But seriously, Zack Ryder’s only purpose in this match was to get beaten up a little, then get beaten up a LOT when his team won (?) the match. I can’t think of someone who is passed off as an important person in the company, someone who gets their own DVD (Kurt Angle never got a DVD), who has 15 different t-shirts and headbands for sale at 10 merch tables at 300 shows a year and serves ZERO purpose on Raw. He’s the living version of the Anonymous Raw General Manager’s podium. Dude should’ve just pulled a Gail Kim, rolled out of the ring, walked to the back and quit so he could make a monster truck full of money in Japan or a Sedan full of money in TNA (or a large envelope full of money in ROH) and tell WWE to go f**k themselves with their warehouse of Broski glasses.

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