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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/20/12: Tonight's The Night (To Retire Via Tout)

By / 08.22.12

Best: Kaitlyn, Destroyer Of Divas

As far as former NXT winners go, she’s doing better than Kaval and Johnny Curtis.

I love (love love) that Kaitlyn won the first match in the only Divas storyline (Number One Contender Battle Royal). With my love for AJ getting dimmer and dimmer, my love for Kaitlyn gets brighter, because I need to cheer for at least ONE of the Chickbusters, god dammit, that’s my thing! I think she’s great, and the only way she could be better is if 1) she got to wrestle long enough and thoroughly enough on a regular basis to learn how to be really good at, and 2) she got a last name. Just give her a random WWE guy last name. Call her Kaitlyn Stasiak. Everyone, call her Kaitlyn Stasiak from now on.

What I did not enjoy so much was the rest of the Divas Battle Royal, because WOOF.

Worst: The Rest Of The Divas Battle Royal (Woof)

Here’s a quick checklist of everything terrible about this mess:

- Michael Cole. I don’t know if they were trying to get in-show sympathy for Jerry Lawler leading up to his thing at the end of the show, but Cole was right back in his niche as Worst Announcer Ever during this show, especially during the battle royal. Dude would not shut up about how worthless and boring everyone in the ring was. They didn’t even let Layla on commentary, probably because they didn’t want her to hear Cole call her a shitty slut to her face.

- Rosa Mendes and Aksana doing the “we don’t know how to wrestle, luh-luh-luh-LET’S GET OUT OF HERE” catfight where they calmly roll out of the ring and disappear forever. I know Rosa’s had a tough month and Aksana’s got the wrestling ability of stuffed animal, but come on.

- Kelly Kelly and Beth Phoenix being announced for the match via graphic, then not being in it. I know it can’t take more than 2 minutes to whip up one of these form graphics. Maybe at the last minute someone walked up to them and said, “Beth, you’re out of the match because we can’t think of a way to eliminate you. Kelly, you’re out of the match because you’re Kelly Kelly”.

- Eve Torres being Eve Torres and not going over the top rope on the first try. Let’s read another blog post about how she’s a great wrestler and it’s Kelly’s fault!

- This is another g.d. Divas Number One Contender Battle Royal. Chance somebody at WWE said “wait, we have to defend ALL the championships at Night Of Champions? What about the Divas Title?” three minutes before the show went on the air: 100%.

Let’s hope KAYLA EXPLODES~ is as good as it could be. Let’s hope Kaitlyn does a Freaky Friday thing with Kana between now and September 16.

Worst: Brock Lesnar Announces Retirement Via Relaxed Tout

So hey Brock, hey man, you’re the new King Of Kings. What’s next?

oh, uh

Why is “I AM QUITTING AND LEAVING FOR NO RAISIN” Brock Lensar’s only buffer between storylines? Can’t he just not show up again until he needs to show up again? We don’t see Jack Swagger on every show, we don’t need him in an astronaut suit saying WELL I’M OFF ON MY EXPEDITION TO MARS to explain it.

I hate using that Poochie reference so much, but Lesnar’s speech here sounded exactly like Poochie’s dubbed over goodbye. I CAME HERE AND ACCOMPLISHED EVERYTHING. I AM LEAVING THE WWE. MY PLANET NEEDS ME.

Worst: Chris Jericho Almost Dies

This less said about this thing the better, I think. I’ve been very complimentary of Ziggler’s wrestling over the last couple of years, but man, ever since that Jumping Asshole To Nowhere on Raw a few weeks ago the guy’s just been off. I’m wondering if he got one of those Miz brain contusions falling on his head and we just don’t know about it.

Jericho went for a super rana like the one he hit at SummerSlam (the show you might’ve paid $65 to see to NOT get the feud’s blow-off match), and instead of catching Jericho’s legs on his shoulders, Ziggler caught them under his arms and Jericho just kinda-sorta Ganso Bombed his faux-hawk into the ring. It’s probably pointless to say after Jericho lost a LOSER HAS TO GO BACK AND PERFORM WITH FOZZY match, but these guys should never wrestle each other again.

Worst: Everyone Is A Terrible Sport

argh again with this

Dolph Ziggler and Chris Jericho engage in a brutal Touting about Ziggler wanting a SummerSlam rematch. Ziggler confronts Jericho about it on Raw, so General Manager Skippy pops in and proposes a set of stipulations around Dolph’s Money In The Bank briefcase (because, you know, she can’t control the World Heavyweight Title scene, that’s Booker T’s decision). If Jericho loses, his contract is terminated. If Ziggler loses, Jericho gets his briefcase. Both men agree on the stips without prodding, and they have the match. Jericho loses the match, the match he agreed to with a smile on his face, clean.

In response, he rips the Money In The Bank briefcase out of Ziggler’s hands, hits him in the stomach with it and Codebreakers him. At least in this situation you could say that maybe Jericho is looking like a sore sport to put Ziggler’s win over more, but that’s probably stretching it considering the last month has been about Dolph being a sneaky cheater butthole in a pink shirt like a WOMAN~. So I don’t know. It’s either a story where we have to Wait And See What Happens™ or another example of the five or six things on Raw where the good guy acted like a wormy brat.

I have got to stop complaining about this.


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