Worst: So Sometimes The Commercial Breaks Don’t Help
I hate saying this, but I didn’t like a CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio match.
I don’t know if I was bored from a commercial break of hashtagging “Punk” with names of wrestlers who are never on Raw or what (#PunkShowtimePercyWatson), but I couldn’t get into it. Something about Rey Mysterio wrestling in a shirt rubs me the wrong way. I know he’s got Terry Funk knees and everything, but a legit top pick for Best Wrestling Of All Time should not be competing under the Tommy Dreamer Rule.
It could also have something to do with having seen so many Punk/Mysterio matches in the past, and so many of them being great. Basically everything Mysterio did with the Straight Edge Society is rose-colored and sparkly in my memory, so watching him Crash To Break and spend four minutes in a leg scissors was pretty assy. During the match I leaned over to Destiny and started to ask her if she wanted me to wander out to Fiesta Favorites and find her a Super Pretzel, then stopped myself because what asshole goes to get a pretzel during a Punk/Rey Mysterio match?
Worst: I Went To Buy A Half A Bottle Of Water And Missed The Wade Barrett Video Package
I found a Fiesta Favorites after the match, and Oh My God you guys. I bought a bottle of water for Destiny for four bucks (which I expected), but when the lady brought it to me she opened it herself and poured half of it into a disposable plastic cup. She helpfully explained that I could stand there in the front of the line at f**king Fiesta Favorites and drink the rest of it if I wanted, but that I had to give the bottle back to her. Apparently someone tossed a bottle into the ring during one of the terrible pre-show matches so normal, functioning adults could no longer take bottles of water back to their seats, but they could sure as shit still pay four dollars for one. I asked her if I could have a second shitty plastic cup to pour out the other half of the bottle, and she smiled really big, shook her head and said “nooooooooo, sorryyyyyyy”. Four dollars is not enough to cover the price of a $1.09 bottle of water (assuming they bought it at the gas station at full price and, you know, don’t get them in gross wholesale from somewhere) and two disposable cups. One cup, sure, but that second cup puts them in the red.
What I’m getting at is this: eat a dick, AT&T Center. While I was standing there going, “wait, what”, I missed this:
For the record, “Fiesta Favorites” are nachos with cheez-glue, hot dogs that rolled off the grill at Valero and 32-ounce souvenir sodas of Mr. Pibb. I’d hate to hear what they don’t like at that fiesta.
Worst: I Hate Every Single Thing About The Sheamus/Alberto Del Rio Feud
But hoo boy, I got back in time to see
1. Alberto Del Rio park his car in front of the bathrooms, and
2. Sheamus show up, steal his car, drive it around town, call him a Dirty Mexican (in so many words) and bring the car back covered in tree branches, dry ice and HIS OWN FECES APPARENTLY to uproarious babyface applause.
Lecturing you guys about how Sheamus is the biggest, most reprehensible underhanded prick in WWE is starting to get tired, but I need you all to understand that Sheamus STOLE A MAN’S CAR, made sure to have someone video tape him doing it (broadcast on live television), SHARTED THE CAR A BUNCH and brought it back to zero consequences. Alberto Del Rio, the guy who wins matches clean (a boot is not cheating when it’s your own boot) and wants championship opportunities but happens to speak Spanish and act arrogant, is the bad guy. It doesn’t matter if you f**king rob someone at gunpoint in WWE, if you’re affable about it and the other guy’s an asshole you’re still in the right.
It’s the worst. Before, I could justify Sheamus randomly attacking his heel opponents from behind as a way to stay on top of them, because of course THEY are gonna eventually try to do that to HIM, but this is too much. Eating Mexican food on video just so you can be all “heh, Mexican food am I right, what a pile of shit” is NOT ADMIRABLE. It’s also not funny, unless you hate Mexican people or think pooping is hilarious.
Best: Randy Orton, A Live Experience Rollercoaster
When Randy Orton was announced to appear in a match later in the show, the people in the crowd went bonkers. When ‘Voices’ started up, they went bonkers again. They cheered loudly for Orton’s Release The Doves taunt, but the space between I HEAR VOICES and doves being released was almost silent. They were quiet for the match, too, except when Orton was hitting/about to hit an RKO. They loved that got the best of Big Show, but forgot him the second he was gone.
Is this proof that the RKO is a thousand times more over than Randy himself, or another example of WWE audiences showing up to see wrestlers, not to see wrestlers wrestle? Even Destiny’s comment was along those lines. “I like Randy Orton. Well, I like his entrance.”
Worst: Double Count-outs, With Help From These Assholes
My least favorite fans of the night are the guys in the front row dressed like referees who brought a sign that said ARE WE TRENDING YET because buying a half-dozen front row tickets to Raw means the show is ALL ABOUT YOU. They didn’t make a sound or move unless the referee was making a count, and the only thing they really accomplished was blocking the guy in the swank Anarchy Championship Wrestling shirt from being on TV most of the night.
I can only begrudge people having fun at a wrestling show so much, but man, you could accomplish that same thing for the same amount of praise in your living room. My only Best for them is watching them count about eight numbers of the Orton/Big show double count-out, then just sorta sit there looking like assholes because they kinda-sorta contributed to a terrible match finish.