Best: And Finally, Here’s Kane
This is the only time I will probably ever type this: The best part of Raw for me was Kane, because for two hours I thought he was the victim of a hashtag loss and wasn’t going to show up, which would’ve disappointed my girlfriend who is barely interested in WWE programming but LOVES THE HELL OUT OF KANE.
Best: Destiny Tweeting About Kane All Night
By the way, this was her face during his entrance:
Kane’s match with Miz wasn’t anything special, but there’s a real joy in watching Kane do his dumb uppercut strike to somebody off the ropes and have the woman you love smile and remark, “that’s awesome”. She could nag me about the stupid thing I love and keep me from randomly making these expensive, pointless trips out to see it, but she doesn’t, and I’m aware of how lucky I am for it.
Best: Daniel Bryan Turning Let’s Go Cena Chants Into Yes Chants
This might’ve been the first time in 12 years of watching him wrestle I didn’t stand up and flip out for Daniel Bryan, because VERSUS JOHN CENA IN TONIGHT’S MAIN EVENT is the scariest f**king qualifier ever. My favorite moment of the match actually happened near the beginning, when the LET’S GO CENA CENA SUCKS chants started in and Bryan responded to them by going crazy, demanding that the crowd recognize the match is about HIM, not John Cena, then getting mad as hell at them for doing his chant instead.
That’s probably the most difficult thing to do as a wrestler this side of skirting “What” chants, isn’t it? Getting John Cena’s crowd to stop yelling at each other about John Cena and pay attention to the match. It wasn’t entirely successful, but for a few glorious minutes he manipulated an arena full of kids in Cena shirts who have never and will never watch Ring Of Honor to shift their focus to him. I went to the restroom right before this happened, and a kid being led out of the ladies room by his mom was going “MAWM HURRY UP I WANT TO YES YES YES”.
That’s pretty goddamn cool.
Worst: John Cena Doesn’t Remember What ‘Hurting’ Is Supposed To Be
The match itself was fun, because bad Daniel Bryan matches are still pretty good, but man, Cena could’ve tried even a little bit to act like anything Daniel Bryan was doing hurt. He took like 9 kicks to the chest, then expertly dodged a head kick, tapped Bryan out to his submission, got up like nothing happened, ALSO BEAT UP THE BIG SHOW, got attacked from behind by CM Punk, GOT UP LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED and emceed the Shawn Michaels Appreciation Night. That’s John Cena. He just resets at some point and you have to deal with it. That’s agony.
Worst: My Raw Climax Was Like Two Minutes Of Watching CM Punk Silently Gesture At People
Much like the Ziggler/Jericho thing, we couldn’t hear a word Punk was saying when he put on a headset and started yelling at the announce table, so the momentum we built up watching him attack Cena from behind (exactly like last week, no less) was lost. He was just silently anger yelling at them. Raw has really become less of a live wrestling show on tape, and more of a television show they let us watch them tape. That’s not a recent development, I know, I’m just saying.
Best: Sign Of The Night
This lady turned things around for me, though. A few theories:
1. She wrote LET GO CENA because she thought that was what people were saying and made a sign for it because she loves it, regardless of whether or not she gets it or understands it. Like the adult version of the kid chanting “GOLDBERG” at Ryback without knowing what a Goldberg is.
2. She wrote LET GO CENA in a weird, telling psychological moment.
3. She tried to write LET’S GO CENA on the sign and messed up, so she shoehorned in a little S instead of spending a f**King dollar thirty on another posterboard and doing it right.
4. She doesn’t know how apostrophes work, so she put the S of “let’s” where the apostrophe is supposed to be.
I’m okay with any of those.