Worst: WWE Is Really Sorry, Bret Hart
And now, the Worsts.
What are you supposed to say to Bret Hart, really? I think that should’ve been CM Punk’s point. “I’m wearing Bret Hart-colored trunks and kick pads because Bret Hart was great. Hey Bret, you were great. You should probably not be on TV is speaking roles anymore because you shoot had a stroke and look like the bastard love child of Stu Hart and Christopher Lloyd. Do you still have that rubber guy in the electric chair from Wrestling With Shadows in your house? Can I have it?” That should’ve been his entire speech.
Instead, we continued WWE’s weird quest to make crowds boo CM Punk by turning him into “WWE Main-Event Heel”. That means demanding things instead of “earning them”, throwing out a lot of “you peoples” and “each and every one of yous”, and being beaten up all the time/backing down from fights. What’s funny is that Punk was doing a FANTASTIC job of getting people to boo him until he started talking about what a crappy company WWE is. That got people behind him. If he just stopped doing that and got back into how drugs and alcohol make you a lousy person, he’d get all these boos without having to be emasculated by Super Champion and punched out by the elderly.
This Bret/Punk segment was so boring I almost forgot it was on. That’s dangerous ground for a CM Punk segment, because even at his pandering worst, he’s always been inflammatory. I’d rather him call Bret Hart an “ugly dork” or whatever than just say he’s the WWE Champion 30 times.
Worst: No, Seriously Bret, We’re Sorry. Please Do Everything That Makes You Happy.
Maybe it’s regret, maybe it’s a healthy dose of “please get your family to stop suing us for accidentally killing your brother”, who knows, but under no circumstances should 2012 Bret Hart be knocking out your WWE Champion and posing with John Cena at the end of the show. The segment had a lot working against it:
1. “Main-Event Interview”
2. Bret has never been a ninja on the microphone and is a hundred times worse now, so the only kind of question he’s gonna ask is “ehh, so okay, John Cener, you got orn issue with CM Punt” and pausing without pointing the microphone at Cena.
3. It happened at the end of the show, meaning everybody was sitting on their hands hoping Lawler hadn’t died.
4. John Cena monologues are the worst.
The worst part is that Cena’s making a perfectly cromulent point. Punk’s become the thing he hates, a corporate shill who demands things instead of earning them (even though he’s always demanding things instead of earning them). He points out that Punk’s Voice Of The Voiceless campaign was just an effort to make CM Punk a star, which it was, and that he doesn’t really care about what the voiceless have to say unless it’s what HE has to say, which he doesn’t. The problem lies in John Cena being John Cena at the end of this show, screaming about how he’s gonna KICK CM PUNK’S ASSSSSSS at Night Of Champions, and Bret Hart being Bret Hart at the end of this show, calling Punk “punk” a bunch of times like that isn’t his name.
Cena works best when he’s brief and truthful, not when he’s explaining what we should all be thinking. Bret Hart works best when he’s at home and I’m watching his DVDs. CM Punk works best when he’s taken seriously as a champion, and not so much when he’s being humiliated and sent scattering away with his head between his legs because John gave him a talking-to. He should really have a better comeback than “nuh uh, I’m NOT going to lose”. That’s a Miz comeback. Getting punched out by Bret Hart and slithering away with your belt to your chest is also a Miz thing. Stop being the Miz, dude.
Worst: Sheamus, Because Oh My God, Seriously
This might’ve been the worst five minutes of wrestling programming in 2012. Compared to this, Sheamus stealing Alberto Del Rio’s car so he can eat burritos and shit in it is Terry Funk’s “Forever” speech. The first thing wrong with it is that it’s goddamn FIVE MINUTES LONG. The second thing wrong with it is “literally everything Sheamus does or says”.
I’ve been trying to figure it out for months, and I think I’ve got it. I don’t hate the Sheamus character because he’s a good guy acting like a bad guy. Being an “asshole” or whatever. A lot of good guys do that, and I like them anyway. I don’t hate the character because he’s racist or offensive, despite how much as I hate that stuff. I hate the Sheamus character because he’s trying to be the voice of a common WWE fan who wants to live vicariously through their favorite superstars, doing what they can’t do and saying what they can’t say, but is missing that completely and acting like a five-year old.
That’s it. He’s a f**king five-year old. He responds to questions and situations like a kindergartner would if he’d pulled a Big and gotten his brain put into the body of an albino gorilla, or whatever. That’s why he says “si senior” when he answers Ricardo’s questions and snickers about it, because a five-year old hasn’t learned what a f**king piece of shit that makes you yet. A five-year old thinks Jeff Dunham is funny. He thinks a jalapeno in a sombrero going “ay yi yi” is hilarious, because Mexican people aren’t like him. A five-year old would hear “do you swear” and think it means “say curse words”. What living grown-up with a functioning f**king brain makes that joke? It’s like writing “yes please” under “sex” on a job application.
Sheamus is the guy who thinks the last name “Lipschitz” is funny because “schitz” sounds like “shits”. And he SAYS IT, on national television, and is cheered as an hilarious hero. David Otunga is being a pushy “ambulance chaser” or whatever, and that’s fine. He’s supposed to be the bad guy, and you’re supposed to want to see him get his comeuppance. But where’s the joy in seeing him get his comeuppance if he ONLY EVER GETS COMEUPPANCE? He tries to take this guy to court, has to listen to his f**king Jew jokes in 2012, listen to his Hispanic client be ridiculed for the language he speaks, then watch the guy he’s suing for assault and negligence (or whatever) destroy a court camera and/or whoever was behind it with a kick.
So the end of the story is that this childish, asshole five-year old bully thinks he can live his life without consequences, breaks a bunch of shit in court to show how tough he is and gets PUT IN PRISON because you CANNOT LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE THAT and CANNOT RIDICULE JEWS AND BREAK SHIT AT COURT, right? Oh, I’m sorry, the end of the story is “Sheamus beats up Otunga and Rodriguez easily and he’s tough and great”. It’s infuriating on like 30 levels, and if you’re the type who reads this and thinks “you just don’t know how to LAUGH and ENJOY WRESTLING and HAVE FUN”, take your ECW GM Tiffany ass as far away from me as possible.
The only good thing to come from this segment was this photoshop of Sheamus as Dr. Lipschitz from ‘Rugrats’, courtesy of Zak.
For the record, yes, that is Didi’s hair.
I want more like this!
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