Best: Raw Peaks
Even the title of the video is incredible:
The WWE Universe decides that Kane and Daniel Bryan must hug it out
The edited version on WWE Fan Nation doesn’t really do the segment justice and leaves out a bunch of the awkward silence and build-up, but I can say with confidence that Daniel Bryan and Kane hugging it out is one of the happiest 10 minutes I’ve had watching Raw in years.
I love everything about it. I love that WWE audiences (or the people rigging WWE’s polls) are in on the joke enough to want to see them “hug it out”. I love that Bryan and Kane don’t really want to hug each other or make amends, but they’re remembering their therapy and doing their exercises and it’s the right thing to do. I’m glad that they both end up hugging for real, and that it temporarily causes an understanding between them. I love that this and the trust fall have shown that Bryan and Kane are very similar, and that if they worked together they’d be great, but that that similarity is CRAZY ANGER and it’d never work. I like that the hugging escalates to shoving, and that the shoving escalates to KANE TRYING TO DECAPITATE DANIEL BRYAN. Like, it doesn’t go from shoving to kicking and punching, it goes from shoving to f**king decapitation attempts.
If you didn’t like this segment, we’re very different people. If you’re one of the people on WWE.com leaving comments about how they’re “either pussies or gay”, I hope they write fewer stories for you and more like this for the rest of us.
Best: Antonio Cesaro Is Squashing Dudes On Raw
Claudio Castagnoli showed up to wrestle on Raw and he’s the United States Champion. And his music sounds less like something from Fire Pro. How great is that?
Let’s keep our fingers crossed that this is the end of 1) Santino and The Cobra having issues, and 2) Santino challenging for major titles, and we can send Cesaro off to feud with Ryder or preferably THE MOTHERF**KING USA GUY, and send Santino back to those YouTube videos where he says THAT’S A SPICY MEAT-A-BALL-A like Captain Lou in the Super Mario Bros. Super Show. Antonio Cesaro has such a ridiculous upside I can’t even explain it … he’s good in the ring, he’s a good kind of WWE funny on the microphone, he’s got an occupational gimmick that’ll last (DISGRACED RUBGY STAR… NOBODY FACT CHECK) and a shoot-international persona that says forever. He can make lighter guys look great but he can throw them around to make HIMSELF look great, and people like Aksana seem more important by being around him. Also, as long as he’s around, Sara Del Rey’s got a great chance of keeping her job. And Kassius Ohno has a tag team partner if he ever sees the light of day. AND MAYBE THEY CAN TEAM HIM UP WITH DANIEL BRYAN AND DAVE TAYLOR AGAIN.
Santino’s upside is “he sells a lot of 10-dollar novelty socks”. Maybe WWE has finally learned to balance those upsides equally.
Worst: The Wrong Kid Died
Zack Ryder’s on a winning streak, which means he needs to win matches against guys like Heath Slater, but I don’t have to like it.
Watch OMG work his ass off to make Ryder’s Brawlin’ Buddy offense look good. Watch him swing his head back and his hair around like Ryder’s punches are devastating, and convince an arena of people that Ryder’s fist could knock down a human being. Zack Ryder couldn’t knock over a house of cards with a punch if he got a running start. A well-placed Jumping Dick To The Face later and Slater takes the loss. It’s what happens, and hey, if you’re gonna sell Statue Of Lib-Bro-ty shirts or whatever, you might as well let him beat the guy who could barely beat Doink.
In a perfect world, Heath Slater would be the one on a winning streak. But hey, pro wrestling and food service are the only jobs in the world where the best in the business are the ones losing spectacularly.
Worst: Would A Lawyer Really Use Tout To Announce That He’ll Announce Something On An Upcoming Wrestling Show?
The only good things about this Tout (besides how hilariously big the coffee thermos is getting … look at that thing, it can barely fit in the Tout window) are that David Otunga is getting paired up with semi-important people again, and that for once, Sheamus’ “brutal assault” was warranted. ADR got Ricardo to distract Sheamus and attacked him first, justifying Sheamus roaring back and Brogue Kicking everyone involved. Sheamus didn’t even strip Ricardo down to his Owl City jammies or whatever and cover him in Fun Dip like he normally would. It’s a step in the right direction.
Worst: Do Not Be A Star Under Any Circumstances
A step in the HORRIFYINGLY WRONG DIRECTION is the inclusion of Perez Hilton, the Internet’s leading celebrity shadow bully, in the Be A Star video. If you aren’t familiar with Perez’s work, he’s the guy who takes photos of celebrities walking down the street, writes things like SLUT and CUNTBITCH across them, then draws MS Paint dicks and cum splatter on their faces. He’s the guy who puts gigantic PEREZHILTON.COM watermarks across photos he Google image searched for like the rest of us and puts them at the top of his blog posts running down someone’s face, religion, clothing, whatever. He’s one of the most awful, regressive people online and using him to promote social kindness is like putting f**king Guy Fieri in charge of the ASPCA. That monster’s gonna put the first puppy he sees in a kaiser roll and smother it with thousand island dressing and you f**king know it.
I refuse to believe that in a PRO WRESTLING company, a sport-entertainment that draws some of the most troubled, socially-iffy people in the world (as both fans and employees), you have to go find goddamn JAMES DURBIN to get a story about being made fun of. Why not let Stephanie do one where she explains how she got a boob job because wrestling fans were making fun of her “saggy tits”? Why not let Vince do one about all the horrible shit that happened to him in his childhood? Alicia Fox being called “a boy” is not the worst thing you’ve got.
Worst: AJ/Vickie Guerrero Is The Exact Opposite Of Kane And Daniel Bryan Hugging It Out
I was on such a positivity kick, I hate to have to write about this now. I’ll keep it short.
I discussed this with Destiny as we were watching it, but for the majority of the segment, Vickie is in the right. Previously she’d demanded her problems be addressed (since it’s been established that AJ doesn’t answer GM questions, responds to offers of help by putting people in dangerous matches and doesn’t know who her employees are) without taunting of physicality, and while a lot of it was built on past grudges, none of it necessitated AJ beating the crap out of her and sending her running. Vickie demanded an apology, which the WWE board of directors agreed with. AJ “apologized” without even looking at Vickie, Vickie didn’t think that was good enough, and she was right. AJ, like she’s been since taking over as GM, was being insincere and condescending.
When Vickie strikes AJ, that’s when the balance shifts. Vickie’s no long in the right, and AJ should have every right to f**king light her up. Vickie taunts her because she’s the GM and can’t hit an employee, and AJ just kinda takes it and freaks out as Vickie leaves laughing. Hey AJ, you’re the F**KING GENERAL MANAGER OF RAW. If you apologize like the Board of Directors asks and Vickie SLAPS you, FIRE HER. You can just fire the shit out of her. If you want, fire her and beat her up as much as you want. In pro wrestling legal terms, if someone gets in the ring with you you can do anything you want to them. Fire her, beat her up and rehire her if you want. It’s your show.
As it stands, everyone looks weird and nothing makes sense. AJ’s made it personal, but she won’t be fired like everyone before her. Vickie struck the GM, but she’s not gonna get taken out in handcuffs like Austin did. It’s whatever’s convenient for the story they’re telling right now. It’s stupid, and pantsuit AJ makes me so mad I could put a ball of paper in a wastepaper basket and kill it with fire from Hell.
The only real plus to the segment was Vickie “Eastwooding”, and even that was too brief to enjoy. Sigh.