Worst: Why Are John Cena Falls Count Anywhere Matches Always So Dumb?
During normal wrestling matches, John Cena has to do the Attitude Adjustment onto a ring canvas, which still hurts (“hurts”) but has some give. It’s usually enough to put away his opponents. In Falls Count Anywhere matches the fall counts anywhere, so John usually likes to walk his opponent out to a convoluted automobile set-up somewhere and Attitudinally Adjust them into/onto it. He’ll stand beside a car and AA you onto the hood, or he’ll stand by some production crates and AA you onto them. Usually what results is you falling less of a distance than you would in a normal Attitude Adjustment, landing on something that might hurt, but not so much more than a wrestling ring. A hood of a car isn’t a bed of nails, for instance.
What cracks me up is that John doesn’t think to do the Attitude Adjustment onto, I don’t know, the f**king CONCRETE FLOOR he’s walking on, or the metal stage, or the corner of a walkway or a flight of steps or UNDER a car which he can then use to DRIVE OVER said person because FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE. All you’re doing is picking up a guy and dropping him, if you have carte blanche to do it anywhere, DO IT ANYWHERE. You aren’t trying to set up the Pepsi Plunge. You could’ve paralyzed Alberto Del Rio like 60 times before you got back to that 5-foot-tall plateau of crates.
Also, the only way anybody’s ever gotten out of your STF is by reaching the ropes. Why not just toss a guy to the outside, immediately put him in the STF and win in seconds? Your life makes little to no sense to me. You’re like one of those people in Cube, aren’t you? It makes sense to just crawl to the next room, but something’s convinced you you’ll be murdered by lasers.
Best: WHERE TO, STEPHANIE
Paul Heyman showing up as CLANDESTINE RENTAL CAR DRIVER was wonderful. The best part is WWE babyface enthusiasts pulling the WHAT CONNECTION DO THESE MEN HAVE when they started liking Punk during his criss-cross applesauce manifesto, a manifesto involving the phrase “I’m a Paul Heyman Guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar”. Maye that’s the connection, nerds.
Paul Heyman finally being associated with a wrestler who won’t suddenly leave is a wonderful, wonderful thing, and I look forward to Punk finally having someone do promos for him so he can actually be hated for stuff.
Also, if Cena gets put into a tables match against Rhyno next week, I’ll mark. Not gonna front.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
“What are those things on Punk’s legs?” – Randy Orton
In true Wire style, later tonight Punk is going to get shot by Hornswoggle.
1 point 21 Punkawatts
I would be very content if, when returned from commercial, Dolph Ziggler is just clinging to the rafters, unexplained.
I imagine that’s how Kane flushes.
Damn, Colt Cabana has really let himself go.
“Random Hug Testing” is now a part of the Wellness Program.
If Cole is impressed by Ryback lifting a grown man onto his shoulders, wait until he sees WRESTLING IN GENERAL.
Swagger left to find his smile.
Sheamus is talking about Respect. If Hustle and Loyalty are mentioned, the transformation is complete.
No one in the WWE knows what collage means.
See you guys next week (on Mars).