I Have Seen This Literally One Billion Times: Kane vs. Big Show
I’ve written before about the importance of being able to change your mind, but it works both ways. Sometimes no matter how good of a place you’re in, something you’ve seen performed badly a thousand times can be impossible to enjoy. Enter: Kane versus The Big Show, part 45,000,000,000. That is the largest number, although mathematicians suspect that there may be even more Kane and Big Show matches.
I’m on a Kane high lately, but last night’s show was a big step backwards. The Newly Tag Game was dumb and was immediately followed by a plodding match that only existed to give Big Show a knockout against a guy bigger than Sheamus. If they were gonna do the “distract Kane, leading to the punch” gimmick they could’ve at least had Rhodes Scholar stay out at ringside and do it immediately, saving us 70 minutes of Kane and Show punching each other.
So I’m not entirely negative about this, I’m still on Kane’s side, and smirking ninja main-event lumberjack Big Show in the world’s largest hoodie was outstanding.
Best: Zack Ryder Would Be Better If He Was Saying ‘Boot! Boot! Boot!’ Before That Kick In The Corner
My support of, then immediate turn on Zack Ryder has made people call me a “wrestling hipster” so much I’ve lost the ability to defend it, but I’m still trying. It’s hard to explain why I wanted a guy on television, then wanted him off of it so badly. Part of it has to do with him being exposed as a guy not necessarily ready to work big time WWE matches, and part of it has to do with him being pro wrestling’s Gangnam Style.
Remember when Gangnam Style first broke? If you’re like me, you thought it was great and showed it to everyone you knew. You laughed when the Oregon Duck or whoever parodied it, and marked out the first time you heard it on the radio. Then the parodies kept on coming, each one seeming more behind-the-times than the last, and the radio KEPT playing it, twice an hour. Old people on television started doing the Gangnam Style dance. Now when you hear the song, you immediately look for something else to do. Right?
That’s Zack Ryder to me. He was a fun new thing I wanted to tell people about, but once I started having to hear him all the time I realized he was just a novelty song from somewhere unfamiliar and didn’t need to be tentpole in my rotation. WWE keeps trying to do things with him to inspire the groundswell of support that got him on TV in the first place, but … no. We’ve already moved on to WWE’s Carly Rae Jepsen.
(WWE’s Carly Rae Jepsen is Ryback.)
(He’s being pushed to the moon and probably won’t be around this time next year.)
(Let’s pretend he’s Canadian so it works.)
(Also, this makes John Cena WWE’s Owl City, which is hilarious.)
The real highlight of the Alberto Del Rio/Zack Ryder match was Alberto going 0.4 heel Eddie Guerrero on Zack, pretending he’s somebody else and beating him to death to send a message. TOP RONDY, TOP. TOP RONDY! ADR’s armbreaker is still one of the least believable finishes in WWE (because Ryder’s arm would’ve been broken like 4 seconds into it), but it’s one of my favorites, if only for that little pissy kick-away thing he does when the guy taps. Even better is Ricardo Rodriguez coming into the ring to announce Alberto’s victory in the face of a guy still being ripped apart by him.
The pose on the ropes was just gravy. ADR really, really needs to beat Orton clean at Hell In A Cell and build himself up as a believable thing, especially if Sheamus needs pay-per-view opponents for November, December, January and February.
Best: Jack Swagger Of Marth Signs
Somehow, our ongoing sci-fi epic has become popular enough to inspire signs on Raw. Proof:
How amazing is that? I just hope Jack Swagger saw it, got confused, got his wife to google it and stared at the computer with his hands on his hips for the rest of the night. Biggest ever thanks goes out to @Ted_X for making that and getting it on television. Follow him as a thank you, would you? He also gets bonus points for bringing a USA GUY sign, which is hopefully the first of thousands on WWE TV:
Oh, and speaking of sci-fi epics …
Jack Swagger Of Mars
“Whuuud ITH this place?” Jack Swagger’s eyes followed the twinkling lights of the Martian fireflies as Kaa’orri’s speeder pulled to a stop deep within a lush, off-blue jungle.
“Descent shaft,” Kaa’orri spat out, stepping down from her bike. As the soles of her feet left the speeder’s stability platform, the device powered down and lowered to the ground, taking Jack by surprise. Kaa’orri knelt and began tracing her finger in the pink sands of the forest floor. “Our transport into the city. Where the politicians, artists, creators live. We poor surface types only make it down for deliveries.”
Swagger dropped to the ground and began doing push-ups for no reason. After three, he hopped to his feet and held out his arms, turning in circles to take in the scenery.
“Whyth it here? Uh mean where ARE we?”
“Most Earthlings think our planet is nothing but a desert. They don’t bother looking closer. They learn something when they’re born and it just stays that way.” Kaa’orri’s finger looped under a string in the sand and guided it upward. “This is one of the only ways to get to the great city. Nobody knows it’s here, and if they were looking for it, they wouldn’t look in the forest. They don’t even know how to find the forest.”
Jack held out his palm, allowing a firefly to land on his palm. He closed a hand over it, cupping it close to his eye. Suddenly, Swagger jerked his hands away, shaking them and swatting at his face. “OUCH!”
“You don’t know what you’re grabbing,” Kaa’orri smirked. “Everything here bites.”
Jack quickly disposed of the bug with a Vader Bomb.
“Theeere we go,” Kaa’orri uttered, following the string to the base of a tree. “Hellas, here we come. About damn time.”
“Do YOU bite,” Jack asked awkwardly, a full Vader Bomb to a fly and 20 seconds after that response would’ve been inappropriate. Without warning, Jack Swagger began to feel the planet move beneath his feet. Instinctively, he fell to the ground and prepared to be pinned. He felt his body begin to move, and sitting up he could see the jungle floor beginning to split and spread, revealing a mechanical, spiraling staircase leading down, down into a darkness he hadn’t experienced since that time Brodus Clay sat on his face.
“We gotta WAWLK down that thang?” Jack asked.
“No,” Kaa’orri assured him, taking the first steps into darkness. “The first few levels are nothing but control rooms and security holds. Bomb shelters. The transport is a few hundred feet down.”
She stopped when she noticed Jack still sitting on the ground, shaking his head “no” slowly.
“Are you scared?”
“Nuh nuh nuh no,” Jack overacted.
“I meet you next to the dead body of a space-o-pede and you’re afraid of a staircase?” Her eyebrow raised.
“Ith it really called a SPACE-o-peed?” he asked.
“We aren’t really good at naming things here. You’ll figure that out.”
Jack summoned his courage and shuffled to the side of the Martian-made crater, lowering himself onto the first landing. Kaa’orri looked back at him for a moment, then lowered her hard sci-fi goggles and began the three-hundred step walk.
“We aren’t good at namin’ thangs EITHER,” Jack mentioned. “At my job we hired a guy whoth dad was named Mr. Perfect, tho instead of calling him likeee, I dunno, Son of Perfect or Mr. Perfect 2 or Junior or whudever we called him Michael McGillicutty.”
“What?” Kaa’orri laughed. “That’s ridiculous. Why would anyone call themselves that?”
“I don’t know, ith bathically the stupidest thing I ever heard. And my name is a play on ‘swagger jacking’.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“You’re weird, you know that?” Kaa’orri stopped and looked back at him. He could see the nondescript green lines and text columns flashing on the outside of her goggles.
“Where I come from, I’m barely anything.”
Silence. Kaa’orri turned and continued to walk.
“Quickly now,” she motioned. “This is the transport. If we miss this, we have to wait another night. The republic of Hellas takes no chances with strangers from the outside. Oh, and while I’m thinking about it, why are you wearing underwear with straps on it? And kneepads? You’re in outer space.”
Jack looked at himself. This is the only way he had ever looked.
“Nevermind. Look, here it comes.”
Jack looked down the shaft to see a great, spinning vessel trimmed in a brilliant green light spinning its way up to meet them. As it whirred and clicked to a stop, the door opened to reveal another lifeform, one much like Kaa’orri, only older, with dark, brooding eyes and a series of metallic objects adhered to the side of its head. The creature gestured to the duo, who stepped inside.
“You Martians are WEIRD lookin!” Jack said.
“He’s not a Martian,” Kaa’orri said sternly. “We … he’s like me.”
“You aren’t a Martian? You live on MARTH!” Jack couldn’t understand.
“Maybe,” Kaa’orri answered. “But we don’t get to call ourselves that.”
The transport vessel began to spin once more, and in seconds Jack Swagger was falling faster and faster into the center of the red planet.