Best: He’s Right About The Chili Cheese Fries, You Know
“Only a schwein would eat that!”
This man is as strong and in as good of shape as any pro wrestler in the world. He can speak five languages, is respected in mainstream and independent wrestling promotions, is a King Of Wrestling and has been sleeping with the best female wrestler in the world for years. I don’t want to be that guy, but if Antonio Cesaro tells you to do something, you should probably do it.
Also, shout-out to that guy selling the chili cheese fries, who I absolutely do not know in real life.
Best: Antonio Cesaro Vs. Tyson Kidd Is EXACTLY What I Want To See On Raw
Hey look, it’s the guy with the funny nipples! Jern told me so! NIP-PLES, NIP-PLES, NIP-PLES! *sends 411 a show report about how his nipples chants made his entire section laugh and Antonio Cesaro looked right at him when he said it*
The opening 30-ish minutes of Raw were nigh unbearable, but by the end of the night they’ve given us so much good wrestling I couldn’t complain. Seriously, a match between the criminally under-appreciated Tyson Kidd and the new hotness Antonio Cesaro, fresh off his dominant victory over Brodus Clay. Two guys looking to prove something to the WWE Universe working their asses off in the time they’ve been given. Two guys spotlighting their strengths. Cesaro’s at his best when he’s able to throw a smaller guy around in creative ways. Kidd is at his best when he’s wrestling a guy who knows how to take innovating cruiserweight offense. It didn’t go too long, but it went longer than you were expecting, and both guys looked fantastic.
WWE’s doing such a good job with Antonio Cesaro and Damien Sandow that I’m wondering what the hell went wrong with everyone else. Maybe the other guys didn’t have something as bad ass as the SWISS DEATH to fall back on. Note to WWE: Call it “Swiss Death”. “There’s that uppercut” is not a great move name. That’s what Shane Storm would’ve called it.
Best: Please Notice That Daniel Bryan Is Getting The Biggest And Most Sustained Reactions On Your Show, Somebody
At some point during this match, I tweeted this:
You know, I get a lot of shit for trying to be honest in these columns. Pointing out bad stuff on a wrestling show translates to “you don’t like wrestling” to a lot of people. The truth of the matter is that I wouldn’t watch wrestling (and I wouldn’t have continuously, obsessively followed it for 30 years) if I didn’t love it. I love it as much as a person who doesn’t do it for a living can. I want the shows to be good. I want to fall into that thing that happens where a match gets so good you forget about everything else that’s happening. Some people do that for music. I do it for wrestling. A truly great wrestling match can take me somewhere I can’t go on my own, and I’ve never been able to properly thank anyone for helping it do that.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Last night’s Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler/Alberto Del Rio tag match wasn’t one of the best matches I’ve ever seen (or a particularly great match, really), but it was really good. Good enough to make me stop thinking of assy shit to say on Twitter about plot holes or Vince punching like Shane or whatever. I could watch Dolph Ziggler wrestle Daniel Bryan forever. The way he sells the missle dropkick is a thing of beauty. I’m happy to say that I look forward to Kane now, through some magical combination of the effort and sense of urgency he’s brought to the ring this year and my girlfriend’s insistence on his greatness. I love the funny way Ricardo Rodriguez tries to help Alberto Del Rio peel himself off the ring post when he accidentally runs into it with his shoulder.
What I’m saying is that this wasn’t FIVE STARS~, but it was a good f**king television tag team match, and after this and last week’s Sandow/Sheamus affair, I’m ready to expect my Raw matches to be good again. Not just “I expect Daniel Bryan to be great” or whatever. I expect RAW to give me something I’ll love. That’s a good feeling.
Worst: I Love JBL On Commentary, But He Needs To Put Away The Wikipedia
JBL is awesome on commentary. He’s funny, he knows a lot about wrestling, he isn’t afraid to call Brodus Clay a “sea monster trained by Justin Timberlake,” which I’m pretty sure is the 2012-equivalent of Jim Ross saying someone’s been “beaten like a government mule”. I also love that Michael Cole properly said the name of the mountain JBL climbed this week, because seriously, you are paid to talk for a living and JBL should’ve fallaway-slammed you the second he saw you.
That said, JBL needs to cool it with the random list of facts for every person wrestling. He got into Matt Striker territory last night. Mentioning that Primo and Epico are former Puerto Rican tag team champions is good. Mentioning every accolade ever earned by anyone you see is not. I thought JBL was gonna start reading the “citation neededs” out-loud.
“Colón debuted on 1999, MAHCULL. Wwrestling in the Cruiserweight division. He won the first title on February 10, 2001, when he defeated Damian Steele for the WWC World Junior Heavyweight Championship. Citation needed! His feud with Steele continued for a month, MAHCULL, during which time he would drop and recover the title on March 10, 2001. Number six with brackets around it! He feuded over the damn title for the six months losing and winning it once. Of COURSE he can hang with Ryback!”
Worst: Oh My Goddd Larry King, Oh My Goddddd
Holy shit, who thought this was a good idea? The only good thing about it was Larry King changes guests in the middle, then asking Kofi exactly one question — so what’d you do today? — before signing off and leaving. I’m going to adopt that technique for all future interviews.
Me: “So what’d you do today, what’d you get inta”
Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: “Not much, played some golf. Hung out with family.”
Me: “arright bye”
Best: Larry King Losing Interest And Wandering Away In The Middle Of A ‘Raw Moment’
Oh, okay, one more good part. The segment goes down like this: Miz and Larry King had a tough guy back-and-forth on Twitter, so Larry (I guess) decides to tape his show live on the stage at Raw and have Miz as his guest. When Miz shows up and is abrasive, Larry THEN AND ONLY THEN decides it’s a bad idea and brings out Kofi Kingston, who he’s previously declared “the real deal”. Kofi is standing by, so he wanders out to talk about video games or whatever, but Miz won’t leave. Things get heated and Larry tries the 1930s technique of “getting up out of your chair with intent” to try and scare Miz. That doesn’t work, so the stripper in the throw-shawl sitting next to him throws a glass of water in Miz’s face. That gives Kofi carte blanche to attack Miz, throw him off the stage and, in a spectacular RAW MOMENT, use his incredible jumping powers to jump off the stage and hit Miz. This is one of those moments that goes into Raw video packages, like that time Kofi boom dropped Randy Orton in Madison Square Garden and then vanished for three years.
Anyway, the good part is that Larry King decides that right before Kofi jumps off onto Miz is when he should announce that the show is over and he’s leaving. HILARIOUS. He’s all, HEY ERRYBODY, HEY LOOK AT ME, DON’T LOOK AT … OKAY, GENNIGHT! And then he does the most amazing Grandpa Simpson at La Maison Derrière exit EVER.
Here, compare and contrast.