Worst: Another WWE Main-Eventer Tag Team Main-Event For Your Placeholder Enjoyment
Yeah, I’m sorry. I bailed on this. I don’t even want to watch it this morning.
I hate (hate hate hate) being that morose Raw reviewer who “hates everything,” and I try really hard not to be that, but man, there is nothing in pro wrestling staler than matches like this. Punk stands on the apron making Jim Halpert face at Dolph Ziggler bumping his ass off, then tags into the ring and sells Ryback’s clothesline by gently rolling backwards on his butt. John Cena plays face in peril for several minutes, then is given THE BREATH OF LIFE by a hot tag and is just totally fine. Ryback beats the WWE Champion with like four moves. Nobody seems motivated, nothing matters and the crowd LOVES IT because they are not USED TO SEEING WRESTLERS and WE KNOW THESE GUYS. Ryback leads his own cheers like four times. I don’t know.
They should go back to the United States pretending this show didn’t happen, say Team Foley vs. Team Punk is still on and establish that Europe is its own WWE Universe. Like a WWE Earth-2. Man, if anybody online is dorky enough to write sci-fi scripts into their Raw reports, I’d love to read that.
Best: Next Week On Raw
– John Cena confronts Vince McMahon, who decides that both Team Foley/Team Punk AND the triple threat match are both off. Instead makes a Cibernetico match pitting Paul Heyman Guys against WWE Superstars, which would be great if he had any idea what a Cibernetico is.
– Vickie Guerrero announces that they’re rebooting the John Cena/AJ affair, revealing that John Cena isn’t actually divorced now (that was storylines), the Rock is banging AJ and John Cena hates him for it, not because he loves AJ, but because he can’t imagine seeing his little girl get hurt.
– Damien Sandow’s trunks are reset. They are now blaze orange.
– Team Hell No’s storyline is abandoned and the tag team championships are vacated. Daniel Bryan and Kane have now never met. Hornswoggle wins the titles, stuffs them into a bag with the Cruiserweight Championship and jumps on a bus to see his dad wrestle at EVOLVE, or wherever.
– The AJ/John Cena storyline is abandoned again. Now she is dressed like a cat, and he has rollerskates.
See you in one week at Survivor Series, everybody!
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Only creative can put “AJ” and “state of undress” together and make it a bad thing.
You know, in England, Vickie is like a 10.
John John The Bastard
Paranormal Activity 5 looks awful.
Cena’s room is alot like Dennis Reynold’s from Always Sunny. Everything is recorded.
MILLIONS OF SCHOLARS, MILLIONS OF SCHOLARS!
In the US Damien is the intellectual savior of the masses. In the UK he’s just another guy.
I think Brad Maddox is the Looper Eric Bischoff.
The Family Crippler Crossface
We asked the #WWEUniverse: “Do you think AJ used her mouth?”
FEED ME JORTS!
And finally, from JKoebs
To feed or not to feed: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the ring to suffer
The knees and elbows of outrageous grapplers,
Or to throw clotheslines against a sea of jobbers,
And by opposing, to Shell Shock them? To pin: to job;
No more; and by a pin to say we end
The Heart-break (Kid) and the thousand Shell Shocks
That Punk is heir to,’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be spoil’d. To pin: to beat;
To beat: perchance to become champion: ay, there’s the (Heyman) rub:
For in that Shocking of Shells what reign may come
When we have shuffled off this Meathook Clothesline,
Must give us pause: there’s the Respect
That makes calamity of so long reigns;
For who would bear the irish whips and shoulder blocks of time,
The challenger’s wrong, the proud Paul’s contumely,
The pangs of despised Punk, the GM’s delay,
The insolence of office politics and the spurns
That patient merit of the Creative Team takes,
When they themselves might their finish make
With a bare chairshot? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat and call spots under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after the bell,
The undiscover’d finish from whose loss
No mid-carder returns, puzzles the fans
And makes us rather type those ills we have (on the message boards)
Than wait for plans that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make bookers of us all;
And thus the native hue of low resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of computer screens,
And enterprises of great promos and build
With this regard their matches turn awry,
And lose the name of action. – Soft you now!
The fair Johnny Ace! General Manager, in thy orisons
Be all bad RAWs remember’d.
See you next week. In America.