Worst: Crowds Gathering To Watch Sheamus
Yeah, right. At least William Regal is trying to look like he’s standing like you might when you’re watching a television. Honestly I’d rather hear five minutes of Regal, Aksana and Michael McGillicutty having a conversation about a wrestling match than watching Sheamus garrote David Otunga again.
While I’m thinking about it, I did a “Cool WHip” thing with Raw last night where I noticed how they were saying words and couldn’t stop being bothered by it. “Shamest” was a big one. A RIGHT HAND BY SHAME-IST! HE’S A PERSON SPECIALIZING IN THE FIELD OF SHAMING! Another was how they say “veterans”. “Vinnerans”. WE WANT TO THANK ALL THE VINNERANS. IT’S VINNERANS DAY! Enunciate, guys, it’s your job to talk into a microphone on television.
The all time king of mispronounced WWE words (besides “WWE,” which almost nobody employed by WWE can say) is how Vince McMahon says “gentlemen”. Listen to it the next time you’re listening to Vince on commentary. LADIES AND GINNAMIN!
Best: Theory Confirmed – Babyface Miz Is Actually Awesome
1. I hope that WWE Active poll wasn’t worked, and that only 6% of people watching want to see Santino Marella. “Who would you like to vote for, these two jackoffs with dick and magic-based offense, or an actual pro wrestler with a future?”
2. BABYFACE MIZ, YO.
I’ve written before about how I thought Miz would be great as a fan favorite, and oh man, if his reaction last night was any indication, it would be (WWE buzzword approaching) awesome. He’s got a good mixture of sincerity to go along with an “anti-hero” thing, where he loves the crowd and loves being a pro wrestler, but can get cocky enough to be a dick about how he’s right. I marked out pretty hard when he broke out the O-H I-O chant. Miz needs to be Ohio’s CM Punk. If Dolph Ziggler’s going to be from “Hollywood, Florida” like Steve from ‘Full House’ and USA Guy’s going to claim “USA,” we need a guy who isn’t afraid to say he’s proud to claim Cleveland, and calmly explain that when you think derisively about Cleveland, you’re actually describing Michigan. They should sign Johnny Gargano and bring him in as Miz’s new Young Boy.
I don’t know if they’ll team up MizFire again, but I want to see this continue. Miz as a nice, normal guy having to put up with colossal dickbag Daniel Bryan would be the greatest storyline twist.
Best: Daniel Bryan, Jealous Boyfriend
Speaking of My Boy D-Bry Right There, the fact that he’s gone from hating Kane to reluctantly tagging to being jealous and heartbroken when Kane tags with anybody else is BRILLIANT, and the kind of character story they should be telling without ever bursting the bubble and calling him gay. I think it’d work fine if they made Bryan a gay character, but when I say “call him gay” I mean “call him gay like when Lawler’s snickering about Cesaro’s manpurse”. Gay in the pejorative. But Kane and Bryan as best friends who are also just awful people and bond because they can’t rely on anyone else to be as crazy as them is choice. It’s the same reason why Kane couldn’t be in a relationship with AJ. He couldn’t sexualize that awesome feeling of belonging. Now, with Bryan, he can have that feeling without wanting to put his burned-up dick into it.
They hugged it out, for Christ’s sakes, that not a bond you can break so easily. Bryan getting comfortable in an abusive friendship and then getting totally co-dependent is wonderful, especially because Bryan does such a great job selling it and because he LOOKS SO F**KING WEIRD. Seriously, his entire head is out of control. He looks like something from the Jim Henson Creature Shop. I love him and will continue cheering everything he does.
Worst: The WWE Champion Is Tapping Out To The Affair Guy
Whenever Punk and Cena wrestle now, they hurt the impact of their Money In The Bank and SummerSlam matches from last year. They just do slightly-tweaked versions of those matches on Raw (or whenever they wrestle), and when they do them enough times they stop being special. Cena’s counter of the GTS into the STF is beautiful, but it should be an unforgettable thing he did once, not a thing we expect him to do because it’s that time in the match. Same with Punk’s countering of the Five-Knuckle Shuffle.
The Internet Guy in me wants to complain a lot about the WWE Champion losing cleanly to Our Man John six days before a pay-per-view in a non-title match on Raw, but whatever. A loss on the show gives me hope that Punk will retain at the pay-per-view, which he absolutely should. He should retain until Royal Rumble when he faces the Rock and everybody thinks he’s going to lose. He should retain then, too. He should at LEAST keep the belt until Mania. If I was running the show, I’d keep it on him as long as I could. Imagine how much heat he’d get if he was all I’VE HELD THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP FOR 1,028 DAYS. SUCK MY DICK PEDRO MORALES.
Worst: Whenever Wrestlers Pose For The Video Package, Instead Of Doing Interesting Or Organic Things And Letting The Video Package People Find Footage Themselves
I thought “turning to face the hard camera for all finishers and lateral presses, no matter how you’d naturally lie” was my biggest production peeve, but that thing they do where they pose side by side for the final shot of the video package is terrible. Real sports video packages are cool because they’re things that happened and you love and remember them, not because they were booked for you to love and remember them. Wrestling should work hard to create the illusion that the things happening onscreen are happening on their own merit, and aren’t meticulously placed playlet scenes manufactured to make somebody’s job easier in post.
WWE has dozens of cameras going for the entire show. They’re on a tape delay. Some of their shows are pre-taped. That means you’ve got SO MUCH TIME to get the angles you want and tell the stories you want to tell. You don’t have to have a wrestler face the same way every time he does a move. By allowing him to operate freely within the confines of the goddamn ring you’ve constructed, you give EVERYONE in the building a chance to see something. They look like guys wrestling, not video game characters. It increases the realism of your product, which makes audiences buy into what you’re selling more easily, which allows you to be more effective as a storyteller, which gets people wanting to hear the stories you’re telling, which improves ticket sales and blah blah blah. That seems way better than “let’s make sure we have the perfect shot every single time”. Is anybody gonna remember that Cena/Ryback staredown? Not after Sunday. It’s a damn word on a vocab test. You memorize it until the test is done.
WWE would be the coolest place ever if anything COULD happen, and we didn’t know exactly where to look.