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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 11/19/12: The John Cena Boner Run For The Cure 2012

By / 11.20.12

Aksana

Worst: Aksana’s Boob Zipper

I spent almost 45 of this match’s 50 seconds wondering about the logistics of Aksana’s boob zipper, so I’m going to show my work.

Askana’s wrestling gear, as we’re forced to accept it, is a read bra and panties set from Lithuania’s Frederick’s Of Hollywood equivalent (‘Frederick’s Of Gelgaudiškis’) under a lace bodysuit. In kayfabe, I guess that protects her body? Keeps her from falling out? What I’m getting at is that she’s a trio of horns away from being the porno Jushin Thunder Liger.

Anyway, the bodysuit has two zippers: one down the back, and one across the boobs. The one down the back is so the thing will fit, but what’s the zipper across the boobs for? It’s not wide enough to unzip and pull boobs from, and doesn’t give you the right angle for anything sexual without making like non-Wrangler jeans and tearing your dick up. So what’s it there for? Fashion? Is that where she keeps her keys? Is it a Ms. Yvonne thing, where she keeps her stuff in her bra (because she’s not wearing much else, frankly) and needs quick access? Or (and this is my theory), is it like those old-timey long johns with the butt flap for pooping, but she’s wearing it upside down?

Aksana doesn’t make a lot of sense. I hope this storyline continues forever!

Best/Worst: Let’s Combine The Two Divas Storylines And Reunite The Chickbusters

As Soupy mentioned in the Best And Worst Of WWE Survivor Series 2012:

Wait, does this mean there’s TWO programs happening in the Diva’s division? That’s… actually kind of cool.

While he’s right — it IS cool to have more than one story at a time for what’s supposed to be a locker room full of female characters — WWE Creative doesn’t have the desire/brain power to anchor ONE Divas story effectively for an entire cycle, much less two. That’s why we’re still going through the motions of the Kaitlyn attack two months later and Vickie Guerrero has presented 17 straight weeks of “new evidence” to prove that John Cena likes girls.

My suggestion would be to put them together. AJ and Kaitlyn have a history that extends back to their first days in the company, and bringing them together to overcome their differences and battle disingenuous champion Eve, giant-ish bodyguard Tamina and cackling Head Of Something Vickie Guerrero would be rad. Keep Aksana in there as one of the low-level henchmen. When was the last time you saw a Divas storyline about more than three people? Even the Pin-Up Strong/Kelly Kelly and Eve feud was built around name-calling and unrealistic depictions of jealousy instead of Wrestling Stories.

Here you’ve got a woman who was intentionally injured to keep her out of the title picture, a “crazy” girl trying to control her demons to keep her job and be happy, a malicious authority figure with (WWE) legitimate reasons to be “jealous” (especially with Kaitlyn in there, because of the Kaitlyn and Dolph story from NXT), a smarmy champ doing whatever she can to keep up an image (including throwing in with the shitty boss) and a second generation star who has never been taken seriously because she’s not tiny and cute. And a Lithuanian lady who acts and kinda looks like Beastly from the Care Bears. By the end of it, everyone would have served a purpose and The Chickbusters could be a real, marketable thing to young girls, and not just a thing I liked in FCW because they existed outside of WWE TV’s hatescope.

Best: Antonio Cesaro Going Full M. Bison On Brodus Clay

Look at this:

Antonio Cesaro diving European uppercut

If you aren’t cheering this man, you’re doing it wrong.

Additionally: Swedish Little Jimmies.

Worst: Vickie Guerrero’s EVIDENCE-GATE Has Gone All The Way Past Good And Back To Bad Again

First things first, Ms. Whitney Smith needs to call me.

Whitney Smith

Second things first, check out Mr. Doug Brady creeping in the background. What a piece of shit creeper THAT guy is, right? Who gets a complaint about people doing it in the parking lot, and instead of going out and doing the flashlight tap on the window takes his iPhone out and starts snapping nudes?

WWE Creative, if one of you is reading this (and didn’t close the window when I threw shade at you on the last page … and, uh, on every page of this column ever), I’d love to pitch you the idea of an Item 47-style special where we follow Whitney Smith and Doug Brady through their day at WWE Raw, written by me. Spoiler alert: Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns factor heavily in the story, and Doug Brady dies when he’s trying to snap dickpix in the men’s locker room and gets flattened by a collapsing stall.

Wait, hold on. I can’t do that. I just found out that AJ Lee has evidence that I, Brandon Stroud, have been having an affair with With Leather reader and Wrestling Bro FembotDanielle. That’s ridiculous, though, we just hung out at King Of Trios. I mean, she brought me an argyle coffee mug and some vegan donuts, but that’s no reason to say we …

BRANDON STROUD DANIELLE SCANDAL BURRITOS RACISTS

Damn, that’s pretty incriminating. And weirdly racist!

Worst: John Cena Has Kissed Everybody, Still Doesn’t Know How To Kiss

If With Leather was Oh No They Didn’t (and it should be), my entire Raw column would be about

1. How gross John Cena kisses, and

2. How much this segment looked like a clip from ‘My Sister’s Hot Friend’

If a NaughtyAmerica reference* doesn’t make you think less of me, maybe this one will: The Cena/AJ kiss reminded me of the ‘Once More With Feeling’ episode of ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ where everyone was all excited to see Buffy and Spike kiss, and then whoops, James Marsters kisses like he’s chewing a piece of meat. Sorry, everyone!

*Faye Reagan should guest host an episode of Raw. Just throwing that out there.

Best: John Cena Is Now Injured Because Of His Awkward Boner Run

I think I speak for everyone when I say the best moment of Raw last night was Cena’s face lunch being interrupted by Dolph Ziggler, then Ziggler fleeing and Cena trying to give chase, only to hurt himself/run all weird because his new khakis aren’t as effective as the jorts at disguising a boner. “GET BACK HERE ZIGGLER SO HELP ME I’LL oop wait hold on” and then a ramp of galloping.

When they did the backstage medic scene, the doctor should’ve been wrapping his junk in gauze.


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