Worst: Sheamus Won’t Stop Shouting At People, Or
Best: “What” Chants For Sheamus
“I liked the wrestling, and didn’t like the stuff that wasn’t wrestling.”
Sheamus should never be allowed to speak. It’s not that he can’t, it’s that he shouldn’t. We talk about characters at face value at With Leather (because we are adults and know that wrestling is not real), but that confuses a lot of readers. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HATE SHEAMUS, HE’S SO NICE TO CHILDREN or whatever. You have to explain, every time, that yes, you know that Sheamus the guy is cool and nice and good at his job and that yes, it’s the writers who are probably making this terrible, but that there are so many unknowns and intangibles that the only way to be a fan is to accept the reality of what the character does and says as The Character. So when Sheamus loses twice and is still all HEY FELLA I WANT A SHOT AT THE DOUBLYA DOUBLYA E CHAMPIONSHIP BECAUSE YOU BETRAYED ME on the mic after reacting to a loss by making Big Show grovel for his life in the guy-on-guy equivalent of Bark Like A Dog, yeah, Sheamus sucks and should go f**k himself.
It got even worse when Show showed up to give his point of view, and Sheamus just kept trying to talk over him like a five-year old. I don’t expect the wrestling shoutfest to be an intelligent debate, but damn, how much of an asshole do you have to be to just talk over the other guy? You don’t have anything to say. You’re just saying I WANT TO FIGHT YOU YOU’RE A JERK. We get it. You also lost twice and are being a little butthole about it. Get a grip.
And for the record, this is the one time when “What” chants are acceptable. Even the people who are contractually obligated to cheer you don’t want to hear you talk, Sheamus.
Best: Sheamus vs. Sandow, Again
The only real Worst here comes at the beginning of the video, where Sheamus counters the Cubito Aequet, and instead of just calling the match Cole still has to work in his “Cubito Aequet means Elbow Of Disdain” talking point. They could have Camacho* walk up to Sin Cara and shoot him in the head with a gun, and Cole would still drop “Sin Cara was so popular in Mexico he had a comic book based on his life” in Owen voice.
Best: Bodyguard Tamina #Cangetit SO HARD
I don’t know what it is about New Tamina, but she made my eyebrows raise last night.
So far, Tamina’s WWE run has been as “additional Diva,” wearing leopard print or whatever to remind you that she’s a Snuka or doing jumping snake headbutts with Santino for max laffs. Here, she’s beautiful, allowed to be tough without having to hit anybody with a coconut (because REMEMBER?) and threatening without any of that over-the-top name-calling bullshit. That’s what Vickie is for. Seriously, AJ Lee has become one of the worst characters on the show, and I’m down for the opposite of what she represents to show up, be a foot taller than her and put her in the ground.
It’s a very Ron Swanson thing of me to say, but I’m excited for WWE to dabble in a powerful woman aesthetic without giving her enormous fake boobs (Stephanie) or having her be secretly ashamed of not being “pretty” and popular (Beth, Natalya). Because having respect for yourself can make you pretty, if pretty’s a thing you have to be for this weird job.
I’m going to say an obvious thing, and a less obvious thing.
The less obvious thing: I kinda get where Dolph Ziggler’s coming from. He’s being a terrible, terrible, terrible person about it, but he’s got a point. I see myself a lot like AJ The Character sees herself. I came up from nothing, too. I had an extremely poor, temporarily homeless Art Alexakis ‘Father Of Mine’ childhood (a scared white boy in a black neighborhood) and made something of myself. Sure, I’m not a skyscraper millionaire and blogging is more or less manning literature’s drive-thru, but it’s something, and I can make a living writing, and I’m proud of myself. At the same time, I’m always terrified that it’s going to evaporate out from under me, so I do that crappy obsessive thing where I ignore the 200 people telling me I’m amazing in favor of the one who tells me I suck. I OBSESS over that. At the same time, I latch on to people who give me attention and make them my world, then get disappointed when they haven’t made me complete and end up alone. I’m working really hard to improve myself and stop doing that, because I realize how awful a life like that feels, and know that if I keep at it, ultimately I’ll just end up alone. It’s sad, and a little pathetic.
So I get that. I think that’s a really complex, interesting emotion for a wrestling character, and if the rest of the show was sorta built around the same complexities, it could work. It could give value to that “shades of grey” thing they love so much and take emphasis off of who’s the good guy and who’s the bad guy in favor of “who is the most interesting” or talented. That’s a brave, positive step that would alienate and lose pretty much every person who wants to watch wrestling. The rest of the show isn’t like that, though, so it all played very much like The Narrator telling AJ what he thinks of her. I’d say he’s got a problem with women, but I think he’s got a problem with everybody.
The obvious thing: This segment sucked SOOOO HARD. Holy crap. I can’t even begin to dissect it. AJ decides to storm into the locker room to confront Dolph Ziggler (with a camera in tow), gets berated, attacks him, then has MAGICAL INJURY JOHN CENA appear and protect her, leading to Cena and Ziggler crashing through a bathroom stall. And then John is FOR REALSIES hurt, and nothing is resolved. And it’s TERRIBLE. All of it. “Lady berating bathroom fightz” is not a good idea for a segment.
There was, however, a huge highlight:
Best: 3MB Just Hanging Around In Hats And Towels
Yes, that is ALL THREE MEMBERS of 3MB, none of whom recently wrestled, wearing nothing but towels and standing shoulder-to-shoulder. Drew McIntyre is even wearing a cowboy hat. WHO GETS OUT OF THE SHOWER AND PUTS ON NOTHING BUT THEIR COWBOY HAT? Futhermore, it looks to me like they weren’t even IN the showers. They’re BONE DRY. They’re just wearing towels and hanging out in hats. HOLY SHIT.