Best: The Prime Time Players On Commentary
Sadly WWE Fan Nation left most of it out, but the Wrestling Personality Winners from last night’s Raw were the motherf**king Prime Time Players in a WALK. They joined Lawler and Cole for commentary at ringside during the Car Stereo vs. Team Hell No match, and I sincerely could’ve listened to them talk for hours.
– Lawler struggling to make prejudiced jokes about Darren Young’s hair without using any obviously prejudiced terms, then Young turning it back on him with “if your hair’s nappy, no one’s happy”
– Titus telling Michael Cole he needs to go get Just For Men for his sideburns
– Lawler telling Titus he could “comb his hair with a wash rag” (because he’s bald) and Titus responding with “good one, Jerry The King Lawler, you keep it up. Keep it right up.”
– The regional differences between “wash rag” and “wash cloth”
– Titus deciding he could do their job by just saying “wash rag” and “pay window” over and over
– Titus telling Lawler to take his heart medication, which is amazing
– Darren helpfully explaining that he’s trying to watch the match and not just come up with shitty jokes over and over
– Titus pulling out the Chris Rock “put some ‘tussin” on it joke
And that’s just the second half. It was wonderful, and for everyone who is shocked at the Prime Time Players having personality, please consult the 15 or so episodes of NXT where they are Abbott and Costello and try to nail Tamina by buying her flower pots. That is a real thing that happened. Wrestling is pretty f**king enjoyable when you watch the stuff that isn’t trying so hard to sell Dorito’s commercials.
Best: Every Part Of This Match Except The Finish, And The Fact That Rey Mysterio Isn’t Strong Enough To Hook Somebody’s Leg
I honestly don’t remember a hell of a lot about this match, because I spent most of it laughing at the Prime Time Players. That’s … probably not the point of ringside commentary, is it?
Regardless, Team Hell No versus Car Stereo is one of those matches I’ve wanted to see in the longform for a while. We never got a Daniel Bryan versus Rey Mysterio thing (although his matches against Sin Cara are still Cara’s best in WWE), and despite the aftertaste of any and all Mysterio/Kane interaction, Kane’s the perfect guy to tag in and start throwing luchadors around. It could be the poor man’s Sting and Luger versus The Steiner Brothers face-versus-face tag war of 2012. I’m aware that I just called Daniel Bryan and Rey Mysterio “low rent,” but you guys, that Sting/Luger/Steiners match is basically the best thing that ever happened. Remind me to tell you the story of how much it pissed off my entire family sometime.
Best: Jack Swagger Of Mars Signs At Survivor Series
I didn’t write up this year’s Best And Worst Of Survivor Series report (go read last year’s! It’s weird!), so I wanted to make sure I got this in here: BIGGEST EVER THANK YOUS go to Best And Worst Of Raw reader Ryan Hercamp for not only making a swank Jack Swagger Of Mars sign …
… but getting it on camera at Survivor Series!
That’s incredible. Thanks so much for doing that, Ryan. I owe you a t-shirt.
Jack Swagger Of Mars
Huge balls of flame, tinted and reshaped by the atmosphere of Mars, fell on Hale Crate.
“Come on, you stupid machine!” shouted Sachie, banging on the control panel of the great catapult. “You were working just a minute ago!”
Without the catapult’s ammunition, Hale Crate stood defenseless. Sachie leaned over the edge of the tower to see the hut that had once served as a makeshift town hall crumble beneath the impact of the warship’s attack and burst into flames, and rubble. The stable where the townspeople kept their MarsHorses. The temple, where Sachie and Kaa’orri had been brought into this alien world and taught the difference between right and wrong, was the ship’s next target.
“No… I’m not gonna let you do it! EYAHHH!” Sachie screamed like Tyson Kidd and shin-kicked the control panel (like, uh, Tyson Kidd). His eyes lit up alongside the dizzying array of red and green buttons. “Online! WE’RE ONLINE!” Sachie shouted.
As Sachie struggled to load the only weapon that stood between him and certain death, the WWE’s Warship descended slowly toward the surface of Hale Crate’s town square. Jack Swagger Of Mars clutched Kaa’orri by his side, his now brown, weirdly-long hair blowing wildly in the ship’s exhaust.
A large, rectangular panel on the bottom of the ship began to shift and slide out of place. A single rope ladder fell to Mars, dragging its lowest rung in the pink sands where Kaa’orri used to play. General Mason Ryan began to descend the ladder, but hesitated several times. Eventually the ship lowered a much bigger, or “super” ladder, and Ryan was able to climb down it without tearing every quad in his body. When he reached the bottom, he turned and whipped his luxurious hair in the upsweep, as though he had not taken almost 20 minutes to do that.
“Jack Swagger of Earth!” he shouted, grinning from ear to ear. “Ywah comang wifmay!”
“What,” Jack asked.
“Ywha CAMANG wiFMAY!!”
“What,” Jack asked.
Everyone watching this happen thought it was just delightful.
“ENYAFH!” the enormous Welshman bellowed. In one smooth motion, he grabbed the bottom of his space tanktop and pulled it up to reveal a massive, bright orange wall of muscles. The t-shirt got stuck on his head, but I probably don’t need to mention that in this paragraph. When all was clear, Jack Swagger knew what he had to do.
“My name ith NOT Jack, Thwagger of Earth,” he cried, extending his arm in a mighty point. “I AM JACK THWAGGER OF MARTH!”
“Vera wewthen!” General Ryan exclaimed. “I WILL … EGH!!”
The beam from Kaa’orri’s blaster struck him between the eyes, dropping him where he stood. He collapsed in a mighty heap. Jack Swagger stood amazed, mouth agape, like every time he lost a match by roll-up between 2010-2011. Kaa’orri held the blaster cautiously, but turned her eyes to Jack.
“That wasn’t so bad,” she laughed.
“yeah he wath never very good”
Just then, General Ryan began to stir, and in moments the big man was back on his feet. He reached up to touch the black circle between his eyes, brushing it away.
“WHAT THUH,” Jack Swagger gasped.
“That should’ve killed you,” Kaa’orri uttered, stepping backwards. “What’s going on? Who ARE you?”
General Ryan thrust his arms over his head in great victory.
“He doesn’t know how to thell that,” Jack began to explain, under his breath. “Oh no. OH NO. Kaa’ORRI, we gotta get OUTTA here!”
“Why, what’s wrong,” she asked, raising her gun to eye level. “I’ll just shoot him more.”
“Ith not gonna WORK,” Jack begged. “HE’S GETTING A PUSH!”
With that, General Mason Ryan leapt forward and delivered a mighty double axe-handle to the ground and Jack Swagger’s feet, sending him collapsing backwards. Swagger began to scurry backwards on his butt, begging off. Ryan stood, and in a grand, sweeping gesture, ripped off the pre-cut statue from the town’s square and sent it hurdling into the temple.
“NO!” Kaa’orri whimpered.
But it was too late. The warship opened fire on the temple, blowing great holes in the walls before taking aim at its foundation, destroying it from within. Ryan began to cackle, pumping his arms up and down as the temple shattered into pieces beneath the powerful, publicly-traded weapons of Earth. Kaa’orri pulled a knife from her satchel and began to charge, but was quickly pulled back by Jack Swagger.
“Leth go,” he said.
Before she could protest, Jack Swagger pulled her up from the Martian soil and raced her into the rubble of a nearly building, looking for the darkest and safest place he could find. Jack Swagger knew all too well what happened to a WWE Superstar with a push … nothing could stop them. Not force, not intelligence, not logic. Nothing. He would destroy everything in site until the man who gave his orders said otherwise. Or he didn’t catch someone properly on a dive.
With the temple left in pieces, Ryan turned to finish off his opponent, and found nothing. As cameras spun around him, General Ryan surveyed the damage to Hale Crate. The smile left his face. In a motion, he signaled for the big ladder and instructed the pilots of the warship to carry him high into the night sky. As Swagger and Kaa’orri ducked their heads and waited for either the fire or the darkness to consume them, the big man gestured for a microphone.
This was not going to be good.