Worst: Gail Kim calls out Tessmacher and it is TOTALLY SPONTANEOUS
I like to imagine that Tessmacher doesn’t actually go home, she just sits perched in gorilla position, reapplying her makeup and not letting any wrestlers get to the ring until they answer her questions three.
Best: Hey, Gail Kim!
This match wasn’t really anything special, but it’s great to see someone with genuine wrestling skills instead of the Divas training moveset of bull dog, clothesline, clothesline, schoolboy, crappy DDT. More of Gail Kim against ladies who are at her level or better, less threesomes and impassioned promos about someone stealing your bat, please.
Esteemed wrestling blogger Thomas Holzerman recently did a year-end wish list of things he’d like to see in 2013. I fully admit that I am going to take a page from his book, and throw out a wish for something I would love to see less of in the year to come (besides an unemployed Taz). Because seriously, lady rasslers, can you maybe stop rubbing your assholes in your opponents face? Can this stop being a thing now that we’ve all gotten the “Kelly Kelly thinks she got the stinkface from the baboon from the Lion King” jokes out of our systems? Thanks.
Best: Bobby Roode vs. Austin Aries vs. Glittery Ring Gear
I think we’re all winners with this one.
Best: Bobby Roode vs. Austin Aries for realsies
I know a lot of you think I’ve forgotten to write about the main event in the past two reports, but I really haven’t. They’ve been decent, serviceable main events, but when you have such dizzying highs and disgusting lows, serviceable gets stuck in the middle. “There was a match and it was good” doesn’t really go with “Christopher Daniels said stuff and my brain exploded with happiness.”
There are so many little things that happened during this match that elevated this beyond the past two matches I’ve had the opportunity to write about but chose not to. I enjoy shades of grey in my wrestling personas, and shoot good against shoot bad is fine, but heel versus heel? Sploosh. The rules go out the window because both participants have no problem winning by whatever shady means necessary, and they’re usually much more charismatic (ergo, they get to be heels), so we get to see more humour reflected in the storytelling of the match.
I may be a bit biased as I am a pretty big Aries fan (despite the fact that he may be a horrible person in real life), but I think Aries is talented enough that he can get a passable match out of someone like RVD, a great match against someone like Roode, and a match of the year candidate against someone like Alex Shelley. It’s been said that out of kayfabe he’s basically a selfish jerkstore looking to put himself over on the backs of everyone else, but whether that’s true or not, kayfabe Austin Aries will steal your moves, wrestle circles around you, then put on a pair of sunglasses because you need to DEAL WITH IT.
Bobby Roode’s (alleged) personality boost plays so well into this aspect of Aries’ style, and I loved it all. The back rakes, Aries throwing up the X to fake out Roode, boxing the other’s ears, eye jabs…little things out of the “How to Wrestle Like a Heel and Make People Hate You” handbook entertained the heck out of me. Teaming up on Earl Hebner in a show of bad-guy solidarity? You better believe that’s a best. I would be perfectly content seeing more out of these two every week, leaving Jeff Hardy to spend his time in between pay per views talking to himself and painting eyes on his eyes because Jeff Hardy. Sure, you can pull him out now and then to take off his shirt to get that audible crowd squeal and sell neon armbands, but I think we could all use a little heel-ing to soothe the ills 2012 Impact episodes hath wrought, and Roode-Aries is just the way to do it.