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The Best And Worst Of TNA Impact Wrestling 12/13/12: The Secret Diary Of Kurt Angle

By 12.14.12


Best: Christopher Daniels and Kazarian are BFF Forever

Until the Claire Lynch storyline, I was not a fan of Kazarian (sorry, dude). I know most people hated it, but I feel like this is where he hit his stride. Holding up photographs to the camera and disgustedly shaking his head? Great. Dressing up a baby doll in AJ Styles’ entrance gear, then making it pantomime his entrance? Amazing. Calling James Storm a goatherder, and it not meaning that Storm has sex with goats? Not as amazing, but still really good, and oddly progressive for a TNA promo. Letting him pal around with Christopher Daniels instead of trying to make me buy him as a serious guy who has serious feelings that can only be expressed through serious wrestles is the best thing for him. This is his niche – let him revel in it.

I am slightly biased when it comes to Christopher Daniels, especially given that I am a huge (spoiler alert) Curry Man mark, but each week I look forward to the shiny scarves, the martinis, and the BFF banter. Like Kane and Daniel Bryan, or Tim Donst and Jakob Hammermeier, I will be devastated if they ever break up because I am way more invested in their friendship than I probably should be. And I don’t know about you, but I really want to know what Kazarian gets Daniels for Christmas.

Kenny King vs. RVD

Worst: Kenny King and Rob Van Dam get their groove back … AGAIN

When King-RVD was announced for Final Resolution, I had two thoughts. The first wondering how slow Kenny King was going to make RVD look, and the second being that oh no, Kenny King is not good enough yet to make RVD look like he should be wrestling. I like Kenny King. I fully believe that he is the kind of wrestler who fits well with the X-Division brand we’ve come to expect: young, hungry, athletic wrestlers who can fly circles around whatever slow, aging WWE wrestler TNA has lured out of retirement and put into the main event picture. The current X-Division is arguably the worst it has ever been, but Kenny King should be throwing bombs and spinebustering anyone who stands in his way of being the face of the division.

At this point I should let you all know that in no way am I anti-RVD. He’s one of my favourite wrestlers, he’s in my favourite match of all time, and ECW RVD-Jerry Lynn is the feud dreams are made of. That said, Rob Van Dam – get your act together. No one should be content to be the champion of a division of three wrestlers and Zema Ion, but that’s also no excuse to just be the slowest, dumpiest possible guy you can be. If you don’t care, fine. If TNA isn’t creative enough to find an angle for you outside of the X-Division, fine. Just don’t bring others down with you. Take your paycheque, treat yo’ self to a new airbrushed singlet, and reserve your television appearances for muddled backstage character exposition.


Best/Worst: The Smoking Butt Impression

Who’s got two thumbs, and is equal parts confused and entertained by this segment? THIS GAL. If anything, this proves that the theme of the night is definitely unintentional hilarity. I could probably write an entire Best and Worst article on these few minutes alone. You know what? Why not. LIGHTNING ROUND.

Best: When Bully Ray walks in, Phone!Hogan is in his glory, telling someone to hold on and then continuing this entire conversation without ever going back to his phone to say goodbye and hang up. Then the phone magically disappears. Phone!Hogan, you are something else.

Best: Hogan really hates that chair.

Worst: Hulk Hogan thinks that his 24 year old daughter can’t talk and be friends with someone without them asking his permission first.

Worst: I’m pretty sure he just insinuated that Bully Ray is trying to have buttsex with Brooke.

Slightly Sarcastic Best: Bully Ray, Serious Actor. Book this man into a David Mamet play, STAT!

Ultimate Worst: Hogan doesn’t want you to let seatbelts hold you back. I guess we’re supposed to pretend that his son didn’t kill someone in a car accident and just let this one slip by, huh.

Ultimate Best: Bully Ray insisting that absolutely nothing is happening with Brooke, and no one was “thrown onto the couch.” And lo, there is said couch with the world’s most distinct butt impression that could never have been made if two people were doing the horizontal butt tango. I know this was probably accidental, but part of me realllly hopes that someone in TNA had the foresight to make sure the impression was there just to back Bully Ray’s story up.

After all of this, Bully Ray asserts that his adult daughter can make decisions on her own, and lead her own life without it being any of Hogan’s business. Best. Hogan’s response? “Weak.” Ugh. Worst.

This week, the award for Best Kevin Nash Impression is unceremoniously stolen from D.O.C by the angry ‘bout stuff Austin Aries. Much like Aries this week, it’s neither a Best nor Worst, just a thing that happened.

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And of course, last but not least, this week’s absolute Best:

I think I speak for all of us when I say Joey Ryan, shut up and take my money.

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