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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 12/11/12: One In The Stink, Two More In The Stink

By 12.11.12

Jack Swagger Of Mars

Jack Swagger Of Mars

Chapter 7

Jack Swagger had done everything he could think of to pass the time. He’d pointed at the ground, done push-ups, walked around in circles with his arms out AND checked his phone, although it was pretty impossible to get reception at the center of a distant planet. ON the planet, sure, full bars, but down here all he could do was load up the WWE App and stare at nothing. He’d left the planet months ago, but this was the first time he’d felt like he was in a different universe.

Jack leaned against the wall of the crystalline palace and let out a heavy sigh. Just then, a group of men — Martians, shaped vaguely like Kaa’orri but with broader shoulders and shorter legs — approached. Each being wore body armor made from the same materials that made up Hellas, thick, forest green glass in the shape of helmets, breastplates, shoulderpads and gauntlets. They carried spears, which looked like kendo sticks with giant shards of glass on the ends.

“Halt!” announced the leader of the group.

“Ahm not MOVin’…” responded Jack, removing his phone’s earbuds.

“Yes, well …” the Martian soldier replied. “Papers.”

Jack stared at them.

“Your papers, please. Your citizenry papers. Work permit, whatever you’re carrying.”

“Do I LOOK like I’ve got PAYpers?” Jack responded, standing up straight and holding out his arms to his sides, fingers spread. “I’m not even wearin’ PANTS.” It was true; he wasn’t.

The soldiers looked at each other and began a quiet conversation, clearly arguing about what was happening in front of them. Jack resumed his position against the wall, shaking his head in disbelief.

“You are … clearly not a citizen of Hellas,” the man barked. “You are trespassing on sacred ground and must be removed from the core immediately. I would … uh, it is imperative … uh, please leave. Please leave immediately. These men will escort you back to the descent shaft, where, uh…”

Jack Swagger tilted up the front of his helmet to get a better look. It was then that the mean realized he was not a Martian at all, but a rogue human, because I guess they couldn’t see his white skin or the fact that he was like 6’5 and wearing a one-piece. They gasped in unison, and Jack finally began to understand the severity of the situation when the head soldier yelled “HUMAN, SIEZE HIM,” and moved forward with a broken glass spear.

Jack took off in a stomping sprint across the courtyard of the palace, using large, All-American strides to keep the soldiers at a distance. When he reached what appeared to be a park bench, he remembered all the times he’d spent with John Morrison and decided to parkour his way out of danger. He approached the bench with confidence, but as soon as his feet left the ground he found his trajectory to be odd, and within moments he was floating faster and faster above the great floor of Hellas.

“oh my god oh my GAWD,” he began to yell, flapping his arms and legs in a futile attempt to swim. He looked down and saw the guards pointing at him, then shuffling off in another direction. As they got smaller, Jack turned to see where he was going and was suddenly pulled, as if falling, into the ceiling. His head collided with green glass, and for a moment, everything went black.

Jack drifted off in a dream. He thought about great sandwich he’d left in the cooler in the U.S.S. Rhadamanthus, and how it felt like he hadn’t eaten for days. He awoke quickly to the sound of sirens, and as he climbed to his feet he realized he was standing on solid ground. A series of escalating glass structures and homes surrounded him as far as the eye could see, with deeper and deeper layers of homes built on levels beneath him. He looked up and saw the park bench he’d tried to leap, now half a mile above him, and the crystalline palace climbing up to meet him. He had never been in a place like this before.

He took off running, but stopped short when he saw a gaggle of guards approaching him from down the way. He turned and raced down a different corridor, only to find another group of guards, ready to meet him. As the first group turned the corner to box him in, Jack reached for the top of the wall, and with a small jump, found himself quickly elevating to grab its ledge. He tried to shuffle his body down to regain his balance, but the slippery glass gave him no hold, and he once again began to fall into the sky.

“NO NO NO NOT AGAIN,” he cried, reaching desperately for the guards below.

With some idea of what was about to happen, he swung his body up to see the courtyard, and an unarmed guard carefully climbing to the top of the bench to catch him on the way down. Jack had an idea … and when he got close to the gravity switch, he stretched out his body in a Vader Bomb. When he stopped rising and began to fall, he fell with great speed and crushed the poor guard beneath him with a mighty splash!

Jack confidently rose to his feet and narrowly dodged a strike from a guard’s spear. In a motion he disarmed the Martian, kicked him in the stomach and scooped him into the air for a spiral bomb … he thought about sitting out, but wasn’t sure if he’d end up flying again, so he simply released the guard and left him to float into the unsuspecting homes and corridors above. Just then, the palace doors swung open and a group of men dressed in red glass burst onto the scene, tossing a net into the air. It flew toward jack like a projectile, before quickly expanding, its rounded anchors quickly latching to the ground around him, trapping him beneath the web. Jack struggled to escape, but found himself pulled to the floor. In a last ditch effort, he wrapped his hand around the closest anchor and pulled, dislodging the net enough to free his upper body.

He turned onto his stomach and began to crawl, just as one of the red guards brought a foot down between his shoulderblades to pin him down. That finally, permanently dislodged Jack Swagger’s helmet, and he watched it float up into the air. As he brought his eyes back down, they met Kaa’orri’s standing in the doorway of the palace, her bag now empty and thrown over her shoulder, her face marked with incredulity.

“Really?” she asked.

Best: Bonus Jack Swagger Picture I Found

Oh man, look at this. He looks like a cat who’s mad at you for putting him in the tub.

Continue Reading 'The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 12/11/12: One In The Stink, Two More In The Stink' »
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