Worst: The Road Dogg Says The Road Dogg’s Two Sentences, As Only The Road Dogg Can!
I think JBL saying “unbelievable!” after Road Dogg said the only two sentences he has ever said as a pro wrestler (“welcome to the dog house” and the “ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages” gag) is what turned this into a Worst. I mean, it was the 5th and 6th best members of my least favorite stable ever* giving Jerry Lawler the 2012 Slammy Award for Best Heart Attack Had On Raw, which was fine (Heyman should’ve won it), but come on, JBL, it was pretty believable.
Seriously though, I think there’s one thing in each of these categories that makes me sad. This one was D-Generation X standing around in a circle watching Damien Sandow get beaten up while everyone laughs and cheers. Also seriously, how does Brock Lesnar not win this? Jerry Lawler was fine for all but like a month of 2012 and he came back to his job of sitting and talking quietly. Brock Lesnar came back from diverticulitis AND a nearly decade-long hiatus to break Triple H’s arm. TWICE.
*D-X power rankings
1. Shawn Michaels
2. Rick Rude
3. Triple H
5. Road Dogg
6. Billy Gunn
8. Great Khali
9. The Boogeyman
**Hey, she defeated 9 other wrestlers to become this year’s Queen Of The Ring, that’s pretty impressive.
Worst: Here’s Kofi Kingston Versus Lord WHOOPS IT’S OVER
Much like how I can’t complain about Damien Sandow losing to Rey Mysterio in two minutes, I can’t complain about Tensai losing to Kofi Kingston in one. That was it. They wrestled for a minute, Kofi dodged a corner charge and hit Trouble In Paradise for the win. The post-match celebration and Wade Barrett’s attack lasted longer than the match itself. It’s Tensai/Kofi, though, so what do you want me to do, write a Grantland piece about it?
I like Wade Barrett a lot, but he shouldn’t be able to get another IC title shot just by showing up and elbowing Kofi. Kofi’s response should be, “yeah, we’re wrestlers, I get it, you attacked me, but I beat you at the pay-per-view, so at the Rumble I’m defending against Justin Gabriel. Deal with it.” And then he could try to put on sunglasses and poke himself in the eye, because Kofi Kingston.
1. Big ups to Teagan and Sara for getting a song on Raw, even if it’s their “Liz Phair in the twilight of her career/Why Can’t I?” desperation pop hit.
2. Derrick Bateman and Kaitlyn were robbed.
3. I miss the shit out of Maxine.
4. I’ve read a lot of stuff online about how this award and segment (and everything involved with it) is to encourage the Hoeski-style slut-shaming of AJ. As the guy online who kinda-sorta conducts that train, yeah, I can see where you’re coming from, but this segment didn’t set off any alarms for me. It helped continue AJ’s weird psychological war with Vickie, eased her back into the Crazy = Violent AJ we loved (instead of Crazy = Emotional GM and post-GM AJ) and set up the final segment of the night. If anything, it was a nice way to recap her character arc in 2012, and yes, to continue a theme, the DANIEL IS A GREAT LOVER stuff made me miss the good old days, when YES chants still meant YES.
Worst: The Great Khali Versus David Otunga Is Seriously A Match We’re Having
You don’t want me to share a video of this, do you? This was so bad, the WWE Fan Nation video didn’t even bother to spell it correctly:
The Great Khali vs. David Ontunga: Raw, Dec. 17, 2012
The highlight of the match was probably JBL making Darwinism jokes about The Great Khali and Jerry Lawler getting SUPER EXCITED to jump in and talk about knuckle dragging. You know, during a match between two people of color. Anything can happen in the WWE!
Worst: Natalya, Jack Of All Trades
If you were upset by the video of AJ kissing a bunch of dudes, consider that those people were Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, Kane, John Cena and Dolph Ziggler. If you want to know how bad it COULD’VE been, please think about poor Natalya, whose calendar year(s) involved 1) being a part of a team of tough girls who were just jealous of the pretty blonde and could not stop losing to roll-ups in under a minute, 2) begging Mr. McMahon to talk about the Hart Foundation backstage, only to have him walk away making dismissive wanking motions with his eyes, 3) being the girl who farts, and 4) being the “girlfriend” of the sideshow wrestlers, because when Vince thinks of wacky freaks his list goes “Khali, Hornswoggle, Nattie Neidhart.”
Just remember, if you are concerned about a woman on WWE television being slut-shamed, it could be worse — they could just be shamed non-stop for no reason. She is World Wrestling Entertainment’s Jerry Gergich, and I will never understand it.
Also, because I am an asshole, when she started dancing I thought she was going for The Cobra.