Best: I Want To Be Damien Sandow’s Apprentice
My next major career goal is either:
1. Impress Damien Sandow with my knowledge of T.S. Eliot and become his apprentice, which I guess means standing at ringside during matches with a clipboard writing “Cubito Aequet = Elbow Of Disdain,” or
2. Stand in the ring with Damien Sandow, pretend I don’t know what Murder in the Cathedral, get called a troglodyte and get to flee back to my seat while he gets attacked by Zack Ryder, or whatever.
There’s a Raw house show coming to Austin on January 11 (five days before my birthday!) so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Cody Rhodes stays injured and this placeholder gag keeps going until then. What happens if I shoot on him mid-way through and answer the third question correctly? Do they HAVE to write me into the show as his apprentice? Furthermore, does being Sandow’s apprentice mean I get to try out the Cubito Aequet when I’m not supposed to, f**k it up and accidentally flood his house?
Worst: Santino Is An Ignorant Scumbag
Damien Sandow is a jerk about how smart he is. Other than that, he’s a pretty good wrestler.
Santino Marella interrupts Damien Sandow’s (assumedly) allotted mic time, kinda-sorta chastises him with a slurry stereotype nursery rhyme, makes a joke about how “conch” sounds like “conk” (and cock) and tries to hit him in the head with the microphone. Sandow sees it coming, blocks it, and fights back. Jerry Lawler says that Santino was JUST TYRING TO HAVE FUN, because conch sounds like conk, like “conk you on the head,” and it WOULDA BEEN FUNNY. Jerry Lawler says that interrupting a stranger and assaulting him in the face is a joke, as long as you’ve got homophones. Santino, a guy who is the stupidest person to have ever lived, a guy who carries around multiple snake puppets (including one in his crotch and one in his ass) and just tried to cheapshot someone who wasn’t verbally or physically attacking him, is the guy the crowd loves and wants to be. The guy who then loses quickly because he’s a wacky joke. People would rather be wacky snake-armed loser jerks than a guy who is talented and smart but socially rude about it.
Good call, everybody.
Best: Sin Cara Had A Good Match, But Go Ahead With Your Botch Jokes, It’s Fine
So, since teaming up with Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara has gotten his act together, and the worst “botches” he’s given us have been a little bit of stumbling and a thing that was Titus O’Neil’s fault. Can we retire the Sin Cara botch meme now?
Alberto Del Rio versus Sin Cara was the best match of the night. It didn’t have the ADD-friendliness of the fatal fourway junkfood match, but it did have brutal tornado DDTs, ADR’s gorgeous German suplex and Del Rio taking advantage of Sin Cara’s first slow turnaround to snap on the armbreaker and get a fair, decisive victory. I don’t know how many times I can give a Best to Alberto Del Rio’s pre-pay-per-view matches and a Worst to his jobberiffic PPV efforts, but here we are. I don’t think I enjoyed it as much as I should’ve, though, both because of the TV/PPV ADR disconnect and because it was gutted by a commercial break and sandwiched between Santino and a Vince McMahon wank segment, but what can you do?
Seriously, that tornado DDT was gorgeous, and it sounded like a grenade going off.
Worst: These Vince Bullying Vickie Segments
Before you click the video, look at Vince McMahon’s face in the preview image. That should tell you everything you need to know.
I think the first time this happened, my reaction was, “they’re reenacting what happens in the writers’ room on television, because Vince McMahon”. The more they do it, the creepier and more regressive it seems. It’s the “bark like a dog” of the PG Era, an abuse of power that starts with “hey, you’re a fat cow, now let’s get down to business” and gets cheers no matter what is said or done, because we’re told to like Vince and not Vickie. When I see McMahon backstage making an extra call him “sir,” it doesn’t make me think he’s cool, it makes me think he got somebody to write him a scene where somebody calls him sir, because CRAZY REASONS. When I see him figuratively slapping his dick against Vickie’s cheek while she tries to talk, it doesn’t make me think he’s cool, it makes me think he’s the archetype and reason why WWE’s admirable characters are the worst people. It almost makes me wish Eddie Guerrero could pull a Ghost, jump into somebody’s body and start throwing hands.
It almost makes me think of Col. Taylor teaching Whitley Gilbert how to do math on ‘A Different World’.
Remember when Vince having raging power hard-ons made him the biggest heel in the history of wrestling, and the entire WWE Universe rallied behind Stone Cold Steve Austin, because he was the one guy who wasn’t intimidated and would stand up for himself? Yeah, now the evil boss is the good guy, and you’re a “coward” who “takes shortcuts” if you have a problem with him.
(Thanks for that video, Khal.)
Worst: Cena Versus Ziggler At Money In The Bank
Occasionally, they do something on Raw that fills me with IMPOSSIBLE TERROR. John Cena is now participating in a ladder match against the super-easy-to-beat-at-everything Dolph Ziggler, and he will steal away the Money In The Briefcase (™ Michael Cole), cash it in on the Rock when Rocky beats Punk at the Royal Rumble and go on to defend the title (successfully, I imagine) against Rock at WrestleMania 29. Dolph Ziggler will complain about this for six straight weeks before vanishing, then wrestling Daniel Bryan in a dark match for the Wrestling Is Fun banana before the Zack Ryder/Brodus Clay dance-off pre-show event at Mania. It will be so dark that the ring will be surrounded by thick tarps, so nobody in the live audience can see or enjoy it. IMPOSSIBLE TERROR.
Maybe Ziggler will win. Maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt. Maybe he’ll take advantage of a ring full of weapons, a no-disqualification stipulation that would in theory allow Vickie to send a cadre of goons (or Jack Swagger) to the ring to help and Cena’s Only Sometimes Knee Injury to keep a thing he won five months ago. Doesn’t Cena get as many title shots as he wants, whenever he wants them? He just had one at Survivor Series. Ugh, if I was Dolph Ziggler, I’d f**k the system by spending the next two weeks trying to cash in the briefcase nonstop. Even if you lose, Christ, at least Cena won’t get it.