Best: Big Show’s Hilarious Monster Chair
What’s important here: Big Show retained. More on that in a second.
I watched this show in the middle of the night last night, and my immediate impression was that the Show/Sheamus match was the weakest of the three they’ve had, and that to my surprise, the chairs stipulation took a little away from the joy of watching two guys hoss the shit out of each other. I know that because I made a little note. When I woke up this morning, I could not remember a SINGLE THING about this match, other than that Big Show went under the ring to get a GIANT COMEDY CHAIR and hit Sheamus with it. WHAT THE F**K. HOW IS THIS A THING AND WHY DID IT HAPPEN.
I mean, I guess if you think about it, it’s no different than Jeff Hardy going under the ring to get a gigantic ladder. WWE supplied 200 normal-sized ladders and also one colossal comedy ladder in case somebody had a death wish. Have they always done this with chairs? Is it just that Big Show is the only guy big and mobile enough to lift one properly, and didn’t have a reason to whip it out until now? Can we do this in other gimmick matches? Does it work both ways? If I want to win a tables match, can I get a tiny model table from a dollhouse and just Irish whip somebody toward it so they step on it and break it? If I get put into a coal miner’s glove match, can I climb inside a giant glove a la Super Mario and just jump at dudes?
Man, if Raw doesn’t start with him sitting in the big chair to prove that it is a chair and not just a flattened Buick or whatever, I’ll be disappointed. BETTER IDEA: Raw starts with Hornswoggle sitting in the chair, then Big Show calmly walks up, closes it and carries it away with accidentally-mashed-up Hornswoggle guts inside it.
Best: Big Show Retains, And What It Could Mean
If I was put in charge of WWE Creative (and I will never be, because I have less than five years of soap opera writing experience and/or would put Jack Swagger in an astronaut helmet on day one), my next step for Show as champion would be a subversion of stories from summer of last year. Sheamus is basically the toughest guy on Smackdown, right? He’s the John Cena of Smackdown. The guy who can take immeasurable punishment and just throw bombs until he wins. He lost the strap to Show clean at Hell In A Cell and lost two rematches. If Sheamus can’t beat Show, who can?
And that’s when the video package music cuts out, and we hear Mark Henry say I’LL FIGHT HIM.
All my money. All of it.
Worst: Because Brooklyn
I can only complain about this so much. The guy has “Brooklyn” in his name and WWE had to work in a contextual reference to the Barclays Center (where I assume clause 1 of the performance contract reads ALL PERSONS PERFORMING IN THE BARCLAYS CENTER MUST REFERENCE JAY-Z AND HOW GREAT THE BARCLAYS CENTER IS AT ALL TIMES). Plus, Heath Slater’s role at WrestleMania this year was to get emasculated by Flo Rida, so losing to a jobber from 25 years ago is technically a step up.
This is part of my problem with WWE nostalgia, though. When they bring back Sid or Vader or whoever, yeah, get excited for that. But when they bring in Doink or the Brooklyn Brawler, you don’t have to pretend like they’re legends, because they are TERRIBLE, and were terrible when they were actually a constructive part of the business. It’s the smarkiest thing I’m going to type in this column, but a team with barely-functioning babyface Miz and maybe-just-turned-for-real Alberto Del Rio on it should not have the Kim f**king Chee winning their fall.
Worst: The Royal Rumble Commercial
It’s a Worst, but a Best kind of Worst. I might be the only one, but I laughed out loud (twice!) at the pitch for Royal Rumble being “The Rock is here, and he is LITERALLY a bull!”
It wouldn’t have been so bad if they’d just shown some bulls stampeding or goring Tito Santana cosplayers or whatever, but to have him Michael Jackson ‘Black Or White’ morph into a bull with MAGICAL EYES who makes HONKING BULL NOISES is so hilariously bad I can barely explain it. If you’re going to morph Rock into one of his tattoos, at least have him morph into the Prometheus control panel he’s got on the other side.
I should probably warn you that TLC is the last time I will be able to joshingly write about The Rock, as he will be returning to WWE television soon, and that puts me in a bad way. If you have any suggestions for GIFs I could use to replace complainy paragraphs about Rock segments, I’m open to suggestion. Ideas: the girl from ‘We Are The In Crowd,’ and/or the biggest pictures I can find of HGH bottles.