Ed. note - Jessica ‘Lobster Mobster’ Hudnall’s read-through of Tank Abbott’s Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel continues. It still features a dog named after Hitler. I can’t stress that enough.
Today: Chapters 8-10. Not-Tank finally watches not-UFC 1! Enjoy.
Chapter Eight – Lucky in War:
Walter wakes up hungover and wondering why Tim’s truck is parked in his yard and why Tim’s passed out on his couch (Good thing Walt was deemed cool to drive home last night!). Walt takes it easy, and as he showers, Tim gets up and leaves. He heads out for a burger, comes back home to read some more Russian history, and then it’s off to Sea Lion Beach Liquor to pick up more beer.
Walt gets back home, drinks more beer, then wrestles with Adolf for a while. The dog’s no match for Walt, though, and after a brief tussle, Foxx beats hound. Walt starts channel surfing and sees “what looks like King Kong Bundy getting down.” That reminds him that the totally fake No-Holds-Barred Fighting Championship is on tonight. He struggles with the remote for a second, but finally gets the event on screen. Walt jostles with Adolf for ownership of the couch when he gets a knock at the door. It’s the Pater Familias, Walt’s Dad! The elder (Or perhaps silver) Foxx joins Walt on the couch to watch the spectacle.
On commentary are “an old pro football star” (Not-Jim Brown) and “a former martial arts kickboxer” (Not-Bill “Superfoot” Wallace). The two Foxxes (Foxxen?) wonder if the fights are real when a Samoan (Not –Teila Tuli) enters the “pentagon-shaped cage” (That has to look ridiculous), but it’s a short fight, as he and his teeth get knocked out by a “pasty-white French guy in karate pants and no shirt” (Not-terrible shitlord Gerard Gordeau) With teeth flying out of mouths and the cage itself, both Foxxen determine NHBFC has to be the real deal. They watch the rest of the tournament and a skinny Mexican guy in pajamas wins the whole thing (Not-Royce Gracie). After the fights are over, Walt’s dad leaves, and Walter goes to bed with Adolf right beside him.
Walter wakes up, showers, and then goes six hard rounds on the heavy bag in his garage. Another shower, dinner, and then it’s time to read some more history chapters for class on Monday. Monday starts the routine of school, boxing and lifting weights, work and partying. The days bleed into weeks, into months, and before Walt knows it, it’s gone from October to December. Walter again laments that he’s not cut out for teaching or law school, that he’s just spinning his wheels. The only discernible change is that due to lack of cardio, Walt is supremely fat.
As Walt worries about his future, a “smoking hot chick” walks into the liquor store. Despite only interacting with her for probably ten seconds, Walt determines that there “was just something in her personality that made me want to have a chance with her”. She leaves with some wine coolers (And without Walter’s number), and this is the spark for Walter Foxx to turn his life around. He tries to start slow and run two miles, but gasses out horribly after 200 yards. He forgoes a burger with Tim, stating that he’s going to drop from 300 to 190 pounds.
Despite the plan to lose weight, Walt meets up with Tim later that night to drink beers and then they head to Lucky’s Golden Glove for more beer. Tim and Walt are joined by Walter’s high school buddies, Craig and Smitty, and they all drink and play foosball throughout the night. Walter’s having a good time (Possibly because he hasn’t eaten anything and he’s super-drunk), and two fellow drunkards sit next to him and start asking if he’d like to arm wrestle (Take what you learned from NHBFC and challenge them to Pajama Fight!). Walter says he’s just chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool and all, which makes the guys think Walt is afraid to arm wrestle. The guys keep pushing Walt, who just wants to have fun tonight and warns them not to do anything they’ll regret. But these are security guards, the Badknock boys, and they won’t regret things, Walt will do all the regretting! Walt declines another invitation to arm wrestle, but say they can do full wrestling if the Badknock boy is up for it (And is he ever! Watch out, Walt, he did wrestles in junior high!)
Walter and the Badknock boy head outside and square up. Walt rushes in for a body clinch, and just barely avoids a “sucker punch” left hook. Walt gets a body lock on the guy and tries for a trip takedown, but ends up dislocating the guy’s knee and slamming his head into the asphalt (I’m assuming similar to this) . Walt gets off the dude and backs away, letting the Badknock boy back to all fours. Walter rushes in and boots the guy in the face, knocking him out (He learned something from the No-Holds-Barred Fighting Championships, namely that soccer kicks are the best!) The night ends with Walt making a mad dash for his car and wondering if the cops are after him.
• Did Walter fight? Yes.
• Walter’s opponent – Badknock Boy #1, 6’4”, 240 pounds
• Did Walter get hit? No, but just barely!
• Walter’s Compu-Strike Numbers – 1 takedown (Knee dislocation), 1 standing leg strike (KO)
Key lines: “Nobody likes me and nobody cares.”
Probably because you’re an asshole to everyone, Walter.
“We have a pirate box so we get all the channels and pay-per-view broadcasts.”
And Walter’s got a cousin that works at Nintendo and he can totally get a Super Nintendo a year before it even comes out!
“Then I see some fools running around in pajama costumes so I know this has to be another fake pro wrestling show. – Hey, man, don’t disparage the proud tradition of Pajama Fighting!”
“We watch the rest of the fights and a skinny Mexican guy in pajamas named Garcia wins the eight-man tournament.”
See, Walt, Pajama Fighting reigns supreme!
“Lactic acid is like an unwanted guest that shows up at your house late at night that you boot out the door in the morning: it’s always sweet when they leave.”
This has been the Walter Foxx Science Minute, join us next week when Walter explains how magnets work!
“Cheap rags are the dress code for the CEOs of this drunken world.”
And cirrhosis is the pink slip!
“Jump in the boat and make nice and I’ll let you go and won’t club you, or drag out the drama and try to spool me and get whacked and served for dinner.”
Marlin drama filets are my favorite!
“We’re the Badknock boys. We’ll put a bad bump on your ass and a knock on your head.”
How much cooler do you think this sounded in their heads? And what did this replace as their intimidation line?
“I know the dangers of fighting on asphalt all too well, but I’m strangely drawn to it like a bug that’s attracted to a light that has killed hundreds of others right before it.”
Walter is drawn to a lot of self-destructive activities.
“I guess the Badknock boys got their bad asses knocked.”
Oh, snap, Walt just reversed their nickname back on those two! That’s why he’s the best.