With Leather Book Club: Tank Abbott’s ‘Befor There Were Rules: Bar Brawler’ Part 5

By: 12.11.12  •  46 Comments

Tank Abbott

Chapter Twelve – Fight Night:

Walter returns home, grabs a drink and heads out in his new-to-him truck. Walt drives around for a while, getting a buzz, and he finally pulls into the Dead Grunion parking lot, where he meets up with a high school acquaintance, Chris and his three friends. They spot two guys, one a pretty boy with no shirt, the other wearing a lumberjack-ish flannel blouse, arguing in the parking lot so the gang heads over to egg them on to fight. The two guys look to be just angry posturing, which displeases Walter, until the pretty boy decides he doesn’t want to fight the lumberjack, but would rather team up to beat up Walt and his friends.

Chris and his three friends handle the lumberjack, but the pretty boy bears down on Walt. Walter waits for the perfect moment and shoots a double, lifting the guy into the air, and then slams him into the pavement. The pretty boy starts clawing at Walt’s face and ends up fish hooking him, but Walter bites down on the guy’s fingers. The pretty boy pulls his fingers free and ends up taking Walter’s dental bridge with him. Things get broken up quickly thanks to the strip-mall cops and Walter just walks to his truck.

Walt drives around, drinks his siren, and discovers that his dental bridge has a hole in it. Since that means a trip to the dentist (Or toothsmith, as I call them) Walter decides he has to beat the crap out of the pretty boy what did him dirty. Walter heads back to the Dead Grunion and starts looking for the pretty boy. Walter finally tracks him down with six other guys on the dance floor. Walt’s friends work crowd control on the pretty boy’s buddies, and the fight is back on.

The pretty boy throws a right, but Walter is quicker, and lands a quick 1-2 combo, staggering him. The guy’s friends are quick to react, and one jumps on Walter’s back, sinking in a rear naked choke. Walt falls backwards and twists around, freeing himself from the choke (Dude didn’t sink his hooks in! Position before submission, dang it!). Walt gets back to his feet to find Chris and his friends fending off the rest of the pretty boy’s group. The bouncers start to close in, so Walter briskly jogs to the entrance, gets in his truck, and drives home.

The next day Walter goes to the boxing gym and envisions Jerome La Mentiroso is his heavy bag and punishes it for ten hard rounds. The punching done, Walt heads to his old high school for a two mile run, during which he has another existential “What am I going to do with my life?” crisis. Walter figures he’s never had serious legal trouble before, so he should be fine. He heads home and decides it’s time for more drinking.

Fight Stats:

Did Walter fight? Yes.

Walter’s opponent – Shirtless pretty boy (2x), hangers on

Did Walter get hit? Yes, 1 ground submission (Fish hook), 1 standing submission (rear naked choke)

Walter’s Compu-Strike Numbers – 1 takedown (TKO), 2 standing arm strikes (TKO)

Key lines: “I mix up a siren in a red plastic cup, fill it with Stoli and a splash of cranberry, and walk outside to take the truck for a spin.”

I’m not sure what I’m more disappointed in, that Walter is drinking and driving, or that his drink of choice is a vodka and cranberry.

“I snap him down on his back like an old Greek Mediterranean fisherman slapping his daily catch of octopus on the volcanic rocks to tenderize it.”

Watch out for his razor-sharp beak, Walt!

“I walk back down the hallway, past the pay phones, and veer towards the DJ booth, where a tragically hip long haired music goof is playing another lame song: ‘You’ve dropped a bomb on me, baby, you dropped a bomb.'”

Oh hell no, Walt, you don’t disparage The Gap Band!

“Like sand through an hourglass, so are the seconds of my consciousness unless I get this snake off my neck.”

You better escape unless you want to end up at General Hospital, Walter!

Chapter Thirteen – Ready, Aim, Fire:

Walter does a light workout and when he gets home, the phone is ringing and it’s his buddy, Tim. They decide to go out for some fun, so Tim meets Walt at his house to pre-tune. They drink and drive around for a while, when they come across Gonzo heading the opposite direction. Walter flags him down, and Gonzo follows them back to Walt’s house to play foosball. Things are going well until Walter discovers an unfortunate situation – they’re out of beer!

Luckily there’s a liquor store nearby, so they pick up a fresh twelve pack, but on the way out the door, the trio runs into a muscle-bound jerk (Well, more accurately, the big guy shoves his way past the guys). Walt stands his ground and lowers a shoulder in to the “roidhead’s” torso on his way past. Walt and the roidhead have a staredown, invitations for each man to engage in the act of coitus with themselves are issued, but nothing comes of it, thanks to Walter’s new-found conscience, or “Little Man of Reason”.

Walter goes back to Gonzo’s Blazer while the roidhead climbs into a brand new, 30-foot Winnebago, and him and his friend in the driver seat flip off Walt before pulling out. This Natrone Means war, so Walt throws his beer bottle at the Winnebago’s giant front windshield. Tim is quick to help out, passing Walter a fresh missile while throwing his own. Tim, Gonzo, and Walter exhaust their beers on the Winnebago, but the two roidheads stay inside. The RV finally leaves the liquor store parking lot, and so does Gonzo, Tim, and Walt.

Since they are out of beer, the trio hit up a 7-11, then head to “the moon”, a big open field, pockmarked with excavation craters. They finish off the beers while Walter contemplates what he’s going to do, both with his legal case, and the rest of his life. Everyone heads back home and drunkenly passes out.

Walter wakes up on Sunday afternoon, eats almost an entire pizza (Gotta save the last slice for Adolf!), then heads out for some drunk driving. He sees his friend Dick, and they make plans to meet up at the Golden Glove. At the bar, Dick offers to testify that he, Grant, and Mikey were riding behind Walt and saw things as Walter described (This is somehow not lying). It’s just then that Walter notices a pretty boy that’s been causing him some drama is playing pool.

Walter tries to creep up on the guy, but he gets spotted, and the pretty boy positions the pool table between himself and Walter. They traverse around it a few times before Walter pretends to give up and walk away. He darts back to the table, grabs a ball, and drills it into the guy’s shoulder, and follows up with a few more. A barmaid screams that she’ll call the cops if Walter doesn’t stop, so he and Dick skedaddle. Walter heads home, gives Adolf a smooch and heads off to bed with his best friend, Hitler Dog.

Fight Stats:

Did Walter fight? No, just hucked pool balls at a dude.

Key lines: “Well, try to fly with me and you’re going to get your wings clipped.”

Alternatively, Walter Foxx is the sun to a roidhead’s high-soaring Icarus (Though I don’t know if the average roidhead has a back tattoo quite as bad as Icarus.)

“That shit is simmering inside me like a diesel-filled drum soaking in a storage tank of napalm.”

Sounds like the throw-down vault is dangerously close to getting opened up!

“I grab Adolf’s face and kiss his wet nose.”

Aw, Hitler is the only thing Walter Foxx truly loves!

Be sure to visit With Leather again soon for Part 6, featuring chapters 14-16.

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