Chapter Fifteen – Trial of Error:
The first witness is Jose Ganuze, a cop that’s been instructed to lie by La Mentiroso’s detective dad. The officer claims to have seen Walter running away from the scene of the crime, and Walt wants Wittless to ask Ganuze how he knew it was Foxx. Wittless ignores Walter, which infuriates Walt because according to him, the only way Ganuze could identify him would be by his license plate, which would contradict La Mentiroso’s story about Walter being on foot. Wittless finishes with Ganuze, and now it’s a friend of La Mentiroso’s girlfriend on the stand.
She says that her, Jerome, and Amy, Jerome’s girlfriend were out, but weren’t drunk. Jerome only had one beer all night. Wittless barely presses her, then allows her to be excused. There’s a brief recess and Walter starts to realize Wittless is an awful attorney. Back to the case and now Amy’s on the stand. She repeats the standard story of Walt and a long-haired friend pissing on a church, Jerome giving the two men a stern talking to, Walt and the long-hair chasing Jerome, catching him, and bashing his head into the pavement, crying the entire time. Wittless asks if her or Jerome were drinking, but they’re marathon runners and don’t imbibe frequently (Walt has to stifle a laugh, as he spent most of the time describing how fat Amy is), then checks if her and Jerome were arguing that night, but silly John Wittless, they have a wonderful relationship!
With Amy done, it is time for the main event, Jerome La Mentiroso, to take the stand. He tells the same story as everyone else and cries during his testimony. Wittless doesn’t get anything out of Jerome, and the State rests their case. Judge Paris ends things for the day, but it’s the defense’s turn at 8AM the next morning. It’s the next morning, and the defense’s first witness is Marty Manley, Walter’s replacement at the liquor store. He didn’t see the fight, but has heard about it plenty before there even was the threat of a trial looming. Marty tells the true story and fends off all of Contrary’s cross examination questions. Next up is Mikey, and he’s calm and confident, hewing to the same thing Marty said. After Mikey it’s Dick, who does just as well, and then Grant. Walter is finally feeling confident as Judge Paris calls a break for lunch.
• Did Walter fight? No.
Key lines: “The DA finishes with his case and John Wittless gets up and struts to the witness stand like the little man he is, all form and no substance in his ice cream suit and pompadour blond hair.”
Wittless wishes he could wear an ice cream suit a tenth as good as Mr. Excitement himself, John Laurinaitis does.
“I enter the courtroom five minutes early and the jury is already there with Queen Paris sitting on her thrown.”
Holy shit, did Philip J. Fry write this crummy book?
Chapter Sixteen – Truth Will Prevail:
The lunch break is over and it’s back to the court room, where Walter fantasizes about beating up Abe Contrary. Wittless calls Dick Johnson (LOL) to the stand, and Dick basically parrots Walt’s version of events. Wittless closes by saying he’s been on the wrong end of a street beating, but he took his lumps like a man. The jury heads out to deliberate and Walter is a nervous wreck.
It’s the moment of truth and Walter Foxx is found not guilty on the sole count of assault with a deadly weapon (BOO!). However, Walt is found guilty on the lesser included count of simple assault (EAT IT, FOXX!) Walt is completely taken aback on this extra charge, as it turns out Wittless agreed to it the previous day during lunch with Paris and Contrary. Wittless takes Walter aside for a short break before sentencing to instruct Walt to remain calm and not flip out like he’s prone to do.
Judge Paris checks over Walt’s extensive file and hands down the maximum sentence, six months in jail despite Wittless pushing for community service and a fine. Walt gets five weeks to prepare, and then it’s off to jail for Walter.
• Did Walter fight? Nope.
Key lines: “Right now, if I could get away with it, I’d rip his geek ass out of the chair by his tie, pull him over my hip, and straighten my left leg to make his feet leave the ground.”
The thoughts of a completely innocent man, ladies and gentlemen!
“When I’m super fat, like I am now, I just want to rub my gut.”
First, gross. Second, I thought Walt was hitting the weights, and boxing and wrestling gyms on a daily basis. Did court stress make him balloon back up to 300 pounds?
“He’s too dumb to realize that he’s too much of an idiot to judge anyone; but then he showed up for jury duty which tells you something.”
Is it that he’s dumb?
“Was it mercy that stayed my hand or stupidity?”
It was pity that stayed your hand! Oh, wait, you aren’t Bilbo Baggins.
“You can’t look into the eyes of the gorgon for long without turning to stone.”
Wait, he knows what the f**k a gorgon is?
“I just made it through the rocket’s red glare, too, and I’m still here as well.”
And by “still here” Walter means “biding my time for five weeks until I go to prison for half a year.”
Be sure to visit With Leather again soon for Part 6, featuring chapters 17-19.