Ed. note – And now, the epic conclusion to Jessica ‘Lobster Mobster’ Hudnall’s review of Tank Abbott’s literary debut, Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel. Be sure to catch up on the rest of the book before reading today’s installment, unless you’re one of those types who skips to the last page:
Part 1 – Foreword, Prologue, Chapter 1 | Part 2 – Chapters 2-4 | Part 3 – Chapters 5-7 | Part 4 – Chapters 8-10 | Part 5 – Chapters 11-13 | Part 6 – Chapters 14-16 | Part 7 – Chapters 17-19 | Part 8 – Chapters 20-22
Click through to experience the finale, because I’m guessing we’ve only got like 20 minutes before Book 2 drops.
Chapter Twenty-Three – Out with a Bang:
Walt wakes up and struggles with the guilt of his Adult Situations (Gross), but eventually rationalizes that Jorge is probably glad Walter took Shelly off his hands. Since he’s going to be heading to jail soon, Walter decides he won’t work today, so he grills some burgers for him and Adolf, and then starts drinking (I’m pretty sure that’s not very different from if Walt was working today). Jorge gets home and starts drinking with Walt. Walt thinks about telling Jorge about Shelly, but instead suggests they head to a bar. After a few drinks, Walter tells Jorge about his Adult Situations (Gross) with Shelly, but not only did Shelly already tell Jorge, he’s totally cool with everything.
As Walt and Jorge toast their mutual understanding of everybody banging Shelly, some skinny, out of town twerp walks up, blows out a cloud of smoke and puts out his cigarette on Walt and Jorge’s table top. Walt’s actually the calm one in this situation (He’s so relieved about Jorge’s nonchalance!), but Jorge won’t let that kind of disrespect stand. They go over to the jerk’s group, where he’s apparently the leader. Jorge and the twerp exchange words, then the guy gives some instructions to the biggest dude in his crew. The big guy stares down Walt, and then unloads with a cheap-shot to the side of the head.
Walt shrugs off the arm punch and shoots a double leg takedown. Walter executes his patented head slam and sees the twerp running away while Jorge is throwing down with the other two guys in the group. Walt punches the guy in the face, then punches a glass out of the guy’s hand, shattering it, and then just keeps up with ground and pound until the bouncers pull him off. Walt runs outside after Jorge, but before they can put hands on the twerp, the cops show up, breaking everything up. The bouncers explain that Walt got attacked first, so he and Jorge are in the clear. Walter gets his hand stitched up, and then it’s back home to fall asleep in Hitler Dog’s loving embrace.
Walter gets woken up by the phone ringing, and it’s Shelly, wanting to know if he wants to party. Being a degenerate alcoholic, of course Walt is, so they head out drinking, and Walter takes a cab home. But uh-oh, Shelly is in Walt’s bed when he wakes up the next morning, and even bigger uh-oh, Jorge is still home, so Shelly has to sneak out the back of the house. Walt drives Shelly to her car, then heads home and falls asleep.
After his nap, Walt heads to the boxing gym for a quick workout, then Walt cruises around, hoping to spot La Mentiroso or his girlfriend, but to no avail. Then it’s back home to get drunk and it’s not long before Jorge shows up and they drink before deciding to head to a strip club. They both drink copiously, Jorge gets a few lap dances, and then it’s back to the house to pass out. Walt wakes up and calls Fred for more garage door bids, but there’s nothing on the slate for him at the moment. He gets a call from Shelly, and decides to head to her neck of the woods, South Bay, to hang out. They window shop and get drunk and eat a late breakfast before heading back to her apartment. Walt gets woken up from a page, and it’s a garage door bid. Shelly goes along for the ride, Walt closes the sale, so it’s time for Walter and Shelly to go get drunk.
• Did Walter fight? Yes
• Walter’s opponent – Big Guy
• Did Walter get hit? Yes, 1 standing arm strike (Total cheap shot sucker punch, bro)
• Walter’s Compu-Strike Numbers – 1 takedown, 1 head pound, 3+ ground arm strikes (KO)
Key lines: “I’m not a one-man band and she was definitely part of the duet.”
Welp, now Walter Foxx has made all music gross.
“As the toilet water flushes and refills, I try my best to flush the guilt from my body.”
I take this to mean that Walter Foxx’s body is a vessel for waste products. I think that’s a pretty accurate assessment.
“I awake four hours later hugging Adolf as if he were Shelly; or maybe it’s the other way around when she’s here.”
It’s pretty clear Walt likes Adolf best, so I would say Shelly is the poor substitute for Hitler Dog.
“Primed and ready I climb on my bike with the straps of my workout bag hanging around my neck like a yolk on an ox.”
Oxen eggs are so delicious, but they’re expensive and fattening.