Worst: Brooke Hogan, Actress
You know you’re in sad shape when a man who can’t even pretend to use a phone properly is better at conveying emotional turmoil than you are. Are you sad? Are you trying not to laugh? Is it gas? It’s gas, isn’t it?
Worst: Guys, sometimes I am really dumb
It wasn’t until this moment in the show that I realized Austin Aries’ logo isn’t just weird triangle shapes, but two As. I feel almost as silly as I did a few weeks ago when I noticed, after years of dedicated watching and yelling at housewives for not figuring out anagrams as fast as I can, that the giant cheese wheels on Supermarket Sweep are actually just inflatables and not actual cheese. Also, if that’s the case, why the hell wouldn’t you load up on them, mulleted ladies of the early nineties? I know you can lift those now! No excuse!
Best: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode getting the hot tag to my heart
It continues to astound me that people will consistently and somewhat ignorantly deride Impact. Yeah, I give worsts, but oh my god, how can you watch Austin Aries and Bobby Roode argue over what they’re going to wear to the ring and not think this is an absolute Best? You’re right, Aries. This is a dream team. Or, to quote my boyfriend, “Are you going to put in the part about how you almost broke my arm clutching it in happiness over this segment?” …sorry, Matthew.
Worst: Jeff Hardy not understanding the point of competition in wrestling
I can maybe understand thinking that his methods are a little dodgy, but isn’t the entire point of competing to get the World Heavyweight Championship? I about lost my mind when Aries won, so yeah, of course the actual person who won it in stunning fashion then lost it to the guy who sells the most merch wants it back. Ugh. It’s like you don’t even watch wrestling.
Best: I have been waiting for this for what feels like an eternity
A ways back, With Leather darling M4G3RK coined the ideal name for a Hardy/Storm tag team, so please know that they are, now and forever, Team Paint Your Wagon.
(click to embiggen)
They’re gonna use an oil-based paint, because they’re painting piiiiine!
Best: This whole match
I actually had to watch it back, because I didn’t remember a single thing that Paint Your Wagon did other than the fact that Jeff Hardy didn’t take off his shirt. Aries and Roode one-upmanship dominated the focus of this match, and I was entirely caught up in the story they’re telling. When they eventually move on to separate storylines, I’m going to miss them like the deserts miss the rain. And hey, remember when CM Punk and Cena stood on opposite turnbuckles holding the belts up to the crowd to illicit dueling cheers from the audience? Well eff that, this was way, way better.
Worst: Where have you been, and why don’t you come back WTTCOTW?
Seriously, this is the most WTTCOTW we get? Really? We have to sit through Brooke Hogan failing harder at crying than Nick Saban does at smiling like a human, and all we get from Kazarian and Daniels is a run in? Boo! Hiss!