Worst: America’s Next Top Wrestler – Crimson Guard Edition
I know that people (including myself, at times) like to get down on Hulk Hogan for consistently ruining the momentum of a show, but is there anything that stops a good show in its tracks like these awful Gut Check debates? These are just terrible. I’ll give a mini-Best to Al Snow’s velvet blazer, because velvet blazers are always best, but does anyone really want to listen to their mock debate between Tomax and Xamot? And why are they all wearing jackets? Is it really cold? Are they on their way to lunch? And Bruce, what on earth is that on your jacket?
Worst, but secret Best: lol Bruce Pritchard
Oh. Oh my. Are we totally switching gears from ANTM jokes? Do I have to throw out all of the GI Joekes I’ve been trying to think up all week in order to make this segment a little more palatable? Are they in a sub-sub-basement of Kleinfeld’s that caters to leather jackets for bridge & tunnel Father’s of the Brides that doesn’t make it onto the show? And most importantly, Bruce, are you saying “yes” to this jacket?
Best: TNA is trying to kill me with feelings
Just when I think I can’t be any more overwhelmed with happy wrestling feelings, this segment gives me Tommy Dreamer fussing with Spike’s cummerbund, more shoot happy Bully Ray, and JOSEPH PARK. Good old Joe Park thanks Bully Ray, because if it weren’t for him he wouldn’t be on the roster, gives him a box of Cuban cigars from “a friend at the airport,” and then inquires as to a pre-nup in the most adorable Joe Park way. If you guessed that I watched this three times, then deleted the paragraph I had written because it was just JOSEPH PARK AND SPIKE DUDLEY OMG OMG OMG over and over again, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE I AM CALLING THE POLICE MY BOYFRIEND KNOWS KARATE.
Best, Worst, whatever: Gut Check Decision
Xamot got eliminated, and Tomax gets his spot on the show because he has a personality and also enjoys highway frottage or something. Whatever. That’s great. Congrats. Don’t they know we have a wedding to get to?
Best: Kenny King
Again, this is mostly just a best for his sheer presence. I mean, you’re either really really good, or your division is really really terrible if you consistently get a best for being “not those other guys.” Don’t get me wrong, I think King is pretty great and I am aching at the chance to see him wrestle someone who has more mobility than a Jaxx action figure, but the idea of writing about another Christian York match makes me flop around the couch, whining and whinging and oh my god, stop making me do this TNA. Please. If you can give me Spike Dudley, I don’t see any reason why you can’t stop drafting X-Division guys out of the sewers, and start drafting them out of the ranks of the best of the indies. WWE just signed El Generico, everyone’s favourite independent Mexicanadian. If they can get Sara Del Rey, Claudio Castignoli, and Chris Hero…come on. Step up your game. If there’s one thing you decide to follow WWE’s lead on, it shouldn’t be the importance of what is trending (because it’s legit not important), it should linking all of Beer Money’s leftover six-pack rings and dredging the best of the independent best up to turn them into delicious, entertaining, X-Division slurry.
Worst: Oh, Stinger
I know you’ve been doing this for a long time, but at some point you’re going to have to remember that no matter how much face paint you wear, we all can tell that you seriously do not give any effs about this entire thing.
Worst: Todd Kennely
You should not have said yes to that jacket.
Best: Hulk Hogan
I love that he’s so upset, he will only communicate via THIS FACE. I mean, he’s not Moammar Gadhafi angry, but this is still serious business.