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The Best And Worst Of TNA Impact Wrestling 1/24/13: Park, Park, & Park

By / 01.25.13

Worst: Tazz is finally going to explain Aces & Eights

Oh…no he’s not. Shocking. Someone who has been barely intelligible for years and brings absolutely nothing to a match’s commentary (including calling moves properly that he has actually performed in-ring on multiple occasions) cannot properly explain the purpose of his joining a directionless stable that has been kicking around for months. He tries to say that he’s been brought over to their line of thinking (but doesn’t say what that is), and is acting under the direction of a “higher power” (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NOT JEFF JARRETT). And then….it gets muddled. He says that attacking the wedding of Brooke and Bully Ray was their opportunity to get at them, despite the fact that they’re there ALL THE TIME and they could literally jump them at any moment. But then he goes on to say that they’re just collateral damage? And it’s totally random? And then he KEEPS GOING. There is literally zero reason for him to be speaking for this long, and then CONTINUING. It explains nothing. It moves the Aces & Eights storyline forward not an inch. If you don’t feel like watching the video posted above, let me break it down for you:

YO

T to the A to the DOUBLE ZED

MY FRIEND HAS A HAMMER THAT’LL MESS YOU IN THE HEAD

IF YOU MESS WITH US, WE’LL KICK YOU IN THE FACE

BECAUSE WE’RE ACES & EIGHTS AND WE RUN THIS PLACE because we won a match and we are technically allowed to be here without security escorting us from the property.

Best: Chris Sims is going to theorize at you for a minute

Last night, while discussing this segment with Chris Sims (dear friend, handsome Batman expert, professional smarty-pants, and guy who is really good at writing stuff), he had an entirely different take on it. Given that, being from the liberal north and all, I don’t necessarily have the same religious touchstones or familiarity with things like chicken biscuits, he agreed to explain his theory on Aces & Eights much better than I ever could.

Best: DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT ACES & EIGHTS’ PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE?

When I was a kid, we routinely had Christian speakers show up for school assemblies and chat with the student body about the Lord for a little bit, usually getting around the fact that you’re not really supposed to do that in a public school by making sure to build their speeches around topics like staying off drugs (with the power of Jesus) or not doing crimes (also with the power of Jesus). I’ve spoken to people who grew up in other parts of the country and they have assured me that this is weird, but trust me, it’s just how South Carolina rolls.

Point being, there was this one assembly in high school where the speaker was introduced as being “the newest member of professional wrestling’s New World Order.” This perked my ears right up, especially since this guy walked out into the middle of the gym in an nWo t-shirt with the theme music and everything, and then proceeded to basically cut a 45-minute promo for Christ, liberally sprinkling wrestling metaphors in with the sermon. As it turned out, that was this dude’s gimmick, and the school was only the first stop on a week-long engagement that saw him presiding over a revival at a local church. I wish I could remember what he said, but the only one I can recall fifteen years later is that he referred to Jesus as “the Total Package,” which made me wonder if the Son of God also took the Lex Express across the desert and body-slammed Barabus on the deck of an aircraft carrier.

I’m pretty sure he did. I think it’s in Acts. You can look it up.

Anyway, between that and Tazz announcing that he joined up with them so that he could spread the word of a “higher power,” I’m starting to think that the big reveal in this episode was that Aces & Eights is a Baptist youth group.

I may not understand the proclivity towards putting everything into a biscuit, but I will accept Wrestling Jesus into my heart if it means that Jeff Jarrett isn’t going to show up on my television ever again.

Further worst: Teflon Tazz

Oh my god. You can’t just give yourself a nickname. That’s not how nicknames work. I can’t declare that I am, henceforth, DIAMANTE DANIELLE, with all the sparkle and shine of a Brandon Best & Worst but at a fraction of the cost. Ugh, Tazz, this is so not fetch.


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TOPICS#IMPACT WRESTLING
TAGSACES AND EIGHTSAUSTIN ARIESBEST AND WORST OF IMPACTBOBBY ROODEBROOKE HOGANBULLY RAYCHRISTIAN YORKCHRISTOPHER DANIELSHERNANDEZHULK HOGANJEFF HARDYJESSIE GODDERZJOSEPH PARKKAZARIANKENNY KINGKURT ANGLEMR. ANDERSONROB TERRYROB VAN DAMROBBIE ESAMOA JOETARATAZZTNATNA PRO WRESTLINGTNA WRESTLINGVELVET SKYZEMA ION

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