The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/14/13: Knockin’ On Weight Watchers’ Door, Get It, You’re Fat

By: 01.15.13

Worst: Finally, We Get To See John Cena Pin Dolph Ziggler Again

I wrote this bit, about John Cena having to get the win over Ziggler with two people helping him at ringside, in last week’s Best And Worst:

I feel like Cena could’ve just wrestle and defeat Dolph repeatedly without having to have the odds stacked against him every week. Before TLC, it wasn’t just “Dolph vs. Cena, who is better,” it was “Dolph vs. Cena but Cena’s leg is hurt and he’s worried about his girlfriend and has too much on his mind.” Cena only lost at TLC because of an extraneous, Cena-related happenstance. Dolph didn’t do shit. Now it’s not “Cena vs. Dolph, so Cena can get his revenge,” it’s Cena vs. Dolph and AJ and Big E Langston, and they’re doing ref bumps that don’t effect the end of the match just to do them and on and on. It’s not even like they’re stacking the odds to give John something to slowly overcome. If he had to beat Langston to get to Dolph or whatever that’d be fine. Basic wrestling storytelling. Instead, he’s just beating them all at once immediately, because RESOLVE. And now he’s moving on to the Royal Rumble, which he probably won’t win because of Dolph + X, followed by four consecutive Raws of him beating up Dolph to get revenge.

Just have normal odds, John, it’s fine.

This week, John Cena and Dolph Ziggler wrestle AGAIN, only THIS time Ziggler’s got two people helping him at ringside AND the match is in a steel cage. That means the finishers escalate (stuff like Ziggler’s jumping DDT falsie becomes a JUMP TO THE TOP ROPE AND MURDER YOU thing), Cena can’t escape the cage because Big E Langston’s waiting there to hold him off the ground or hit him with a chair, and any attempt to escape through the door gets Cena a cage door to the head. That all happens, too … Langston smashes a cage door into his head, Ziggler throws everything he’s got at him (including a crisp, right-in-the-middle-of-the-ring Zig Zag) and Cena falls off the top rope for some reason like 15 times, and guess what? Every single time he POPS UP LIKE NOTHING HAS HAPPENED and hits his moves in response.

It is THE MOST INFURIATING THING. As a few of you mentioned, even 1980s Hulk Hogan wasn’t this hard to beat. The fact that Cena’s inconsistent selling leaves us to assume that he feels no pain and can just do his moves to you whenever he wants, which takes the drama out of Cena’s matches, and you have to wait until somebody’s actually been pinned to go back and see if the match had value, or if it was another masturbatory John Cena waste of time. There is NO REASON why Dolph Ziggler should ALWAYS LOSE. As much as it loves “I hate Mondays,” even f**king Garfield changes the punchline to “lasagna is great” every few days. STOP DOING THIS.


Worst, But Whatever: The Rock Concert

Oh, hey, that was a pretty well-timed “stop it.”

All right, so, I assume most of you come to my Rock’s Around columns and skip to this page to read my long-winded thing about how he’s casually cruel to women and perpetuates stupidity in a fandom desperately in need of smart, positive, not-going-to-die-from-drugs role models, and I’ll be honest, I like writing about that. I think every time a company as big and powerful as WWE steps on us, we should scream loud enough for them to hear us. If it “doesn’t matter” and is “just entertainment,” we can say “try doing it another way.”

But yeah, f**k the f**king Rock Concert.

I had to write about this shit last year, and as bad as it was — and as pointless as it was for him to devote an entire song to calling a woman a bitch for lulz — it wasn’t as bad as that one. The one back in March featured a “We Will Rock You” parody and song lyrics on the Titantron and photoshop jokes about how John Cena looks like Tinky Winky and Vanilla Ice had a baby. Last night, Rock said Paul Heyman had tits and called Vickie Guerrero ugly. It’s the worst thing they could be doing with their time and the dude should be ashamed of himself, but … yeah, I don’t know, maybe they’ve just beaten me into indifference.

I WILL say that when Rock brought out Vickie Guerrero and said he was gonna cover Eric Clapton, I hoped he was going to do a “Tears In Heaven” thing about Eddie. Or maybe “Cocaine,” because he’s on a shit-ton of drugs. And whether or not you thought the “just entertainment” was hilarious, I urge you to remember that the guy insulting non-athlete Paul Heyman for having “Twinkie Tits” once had to wrestle in a shirt for a few months because he had gynecomastia surgery to make his pecs look less like boobs.

Anyway, for a more spirited response than “you’re a baby-talking hypocrite, stop trying to be funny,” go over to The Wrestling Blog RIGHT NOW and read Best And Worst Of Impact’s Danielle Matheson’s piece about how the Rock has made her feel like a piece of shit for her entire life.

Worst, But Not As Worst: Part 2 Of This Whole Thing

I guess we don’t have a lot of time left to build a story, but I don’t buy Punk and Rock being so mad at each other they have to have a pull-apart. It didn’t seem organic. It was just, “okay, now we have a pull-apart.” Punk waited patiently through two parody songs and a Rock rebuttal before being “so mad” he couldn’t respond? Come on. Rock had a Jeff Jarrett style guitar shot coming to him.

And you know what? That last shot of the Rock squinting from the ramp as WWE types held CM Punk back was pretty much the WWE’s “eyes of Dr T.J. Eckleberg” billboard.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Tobogganing Bear

Ric Flair doesn’t look a day over skeleton.

Podolski’s Left Rocket

What’s Ashley Schaffer doing on Raw?

Whole Fn Show

Seeing Flairs assault on ALL THE CLOTHES, I now understand the genesis of Orton’s hate of pants.


“White people are f**ked up.” – Big E Langston

Harry Longabaugh

Paul Heyman announces that instead, we will be treated to the Brock Concert. Lesnar hums the Jimmy Johns jingle for 15 minutes before Raw fades to black.


it’s like you’re in a tag match from the original wcw Vs. nwo for n64 and cena is your friend who just keeps pressing a.


Rock just busts out a hauntingly beautiful cover of “About a Girl” out of nowhere.


You know, I just wanna say how much I respect Vickie Guerrero. She’s come a long way from where she started, she’s obviously worked hard to lose weight and it’s totally understandable that she might put that weight on after the death of her husband. So f**k you and your shitty jokes Rocky, Lawler and WWE writers.


That’ll teach Vickie to have a husband who dies.


I’ve got a feeling Rock is on a really bad diet and that’s why everything is a reference to candy & junk food.

See you guys next week, when I’m a little bit older.

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