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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/21/13: Royal Rumble Is Going To Be A Slobberknocker

By / 01.22.13

Worst: The Rock Stands Outside Listing Every Pop Culture Thing He Can Remember As Fast As Possible, Then Convinces Police Officers Who They Should And Should Not Protect Using Buzzwords And Hand Gestures

For f**k’s sakes.

Okay, here are 10 things wrong with last night’s “Rock wants to get into the building” segments:

1. Vickie Guerrero, the lady in charge of a billion-dollar, publicly-traded company’s live performance of their LIVE-ON-TELEVISOIN flagship show, announced (reasonably, in fact) that The Rock wasn’t allowed in the building this week because he spent his time LAST week calling her an ugly bitch. If you went in to work and called your boss an ugly bitch, you probably wouldn’t get to work the next shift, right? How does Rock handle this news? In a lot of ways, but the first thing he tried was STANDING OUTSIDE OF THE BUILDING TELLING EVERYONE THAT VICKIE GUERRERO IS A BITCH. What is wrong with you.

I get that Vickie is “in the wrong” from a viewer’s perspective because they want to see the Rock ELECTRIFY~ or whatever, but “I want to see the Rock” shouldn’t equate to THE ROCK IS ABOVE THE LAW. I am not comfortable with The Rock being pro wrestling’s Roman Polanski.

2. F**king policemen, how do they work? Rock’s explanation about how the police officers don’t work for Vickie, they work for THE PEOPLE is the biggest pile of spat horseshit ever. Last time I checked, police officers work for the government, they are paid to enforce laws based on what a democratically-elected governing body decides is lawful, they cannot (and God, should not) make POLICE DECISIONS based on who the Rock likes and who he thinks is a bitch.

3. On top of that, what kind of police officers would stand backstage for an hour listening to some crazy, jacked-up guy in sunglasses (at night) yell threats about how he’s gonna get into the building against their orders and beat people up and shove stuff up peoples’ asses? Just use the taser on him already. Dude should’ve been handcuffed and dragged away before the hour check-in.

4. Speaking of that, how funny was Rock’s WE’VE ALL BEEN BACK HERE AND HOUR, IT’S BEEN AN HOUR, AN HOUR SINCE THE LAST TIME WE SPOKE exposition? I guess they taped these backstage gags all at once, so three policemen and The Rock didn’t have to stand sideways with their shoulders vaguely pointed at each other by a metal detector for shoot 60 minutes.

5. I wish the “my family had tickets!” conversation with the police officer had gone like this:

“THE PEOPLE WANT TO SEE THE ROCK ELECTRIFY BLEARGHHH”

“I know! I had tickets!”

“REALLY”

“Yeah. We bought tickets to see the Rock. It’s our first WWE show in like 10 years. We stopped watching because all the people on now are terrible! It’s all boring and fake. But the Rock is cool! Hey, I have 50 dollars in my wallet, do you want that”

“YES YES I DO”

And then Rock takes the cop’s money, Rock Bottoms him into the freestanding metal detector and just walks into the building.

6. The “buying a ticket” payoff doesn’t work if you’re emerging from the stage with your entrance theme and Titantron music. The idea is that you can’t get a wrestler entrance like normal, so you have to buy a ticket, go in the front door, go to your seat and like, jump the rail. The reason you succeed where a fan who tried this would fail is because you’re a wrestler and you work for the company, and/or security agrees with you, like that time John Cena got shitted on by the Nexus and kept showing up anyway. You can’t get your full entrance, hold up a ticket for a second, then throw it on the ground as you’re walking to the ring.

It would’ve been so great if an usher had stopped Rock at the bottom of the ramp and been all, “I need to see your ticket,” and Rock had to walk back up the ramp and try to figure out where he dropped it.

7. At no point did the police officers say, “lower your voice, sir,” which would’ve been the best meta follow-up to the Rock/Vickie story, which, if you’ll remember, started last week when the Rock stood outside of her office screaming affirmations at Mick Foley and wrote an Eric Clapton parody song about how she’s a bitch when she told him to stop yelling.

8. The Rock’s references and jokes are getting worse, somehow. Did you see that person in the crowd with a COOKIE PUSS sign with the Cookie Monster drawn on it? THOSE ARE NOT THE SAME THINGS. That’s the kind of person who think The Rock is funny.

Rock can’t get over Paul Heyman having “tits,” which is the most wank-dismissible thing to worry about ever (especially when you are a gyno surgery veteran) and wasted WWE’s one shot at a Manti Te’o/Little Jimmy joke on a chance to say “nut sack.”

9. Again, here are the three things Rock made clear that he hates: bitches, people with tits, people without nut sacks. What do those three things have in common?

10. And worst of all, to establish that the Rock was stuck outside at all, we had to watch THE ENTIRE ROCK CONCERT again. Both songs in their entirety. Following the previous show-opening recap of Dolph Ziggler and AJ getting pooped dumped on them, you’ve got to wonder how unbelievably proud WWE is of their own asshole-picking.

Keep in mind: The payoff to all of this was The Rock getting into the building and comparing himself to Martin Luther King, Jr. This is a thing that happened.

Best: Antonio Cesaro’s Flag Keeps Getting Bigger

At WrestleMania, Cesaro’s entrance should be the film Patton in its entirety, with Cesaro replacing George C. Scott.

Worst: Going To Commercial Break During Beat The Clock Matches On A Live Show

Predictably, I’m not a fan of (a) Antonio Cesaro losing matches, (b) the United States Champion losing a non-title match to a guy fans see as “better than him,” i.e. “above” the secondary titles, and (c) show-long gimmicks like Beat The Clock, where every match gets the same story and kills the heat until the like, 40 seconds when the WILL HE BEAT THE CLOCK OR WON’T HE thing kicks in. Even great gimmick matches like War Games and the Royal Rumble can fall victim to this, with fans sorta sitting on their hands until it’s time for them to count something down again.

The worst thing about this, though, was the fact that WWE felt the need to go to commercial during almost every Beat The Clock match without so much as a “cameras are rolling, if the match ends during the commercial break we’ll show it to you when we return” thing to make it okay. I know wrestling is fake and you’ve got everything scheduled out to the minute, but come on, when you’ve got one show a year based around the drama of HOW LONG WILL THIS MATCH LAST, save the f**king Dominos commercials for later.

And while we’re talking about this match specifically, I’ll add a (d) to things I didn’t like: Randy Orton not flattening out on the Very European Uppercut. Boo, Randy Orton. Boo.

Best: Best Zack Ryder Match Ever

AAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

It wasn’t quite as good as the Show/Kofi Kingston match, but it was glorious. Show is my favorite. And hey, Zack Ryder, go home and write a YouTube song about how “Showskis,” you lame asshole.

Best: Brad Maddox Magically Showing Up For Commentary, Then Wandering Away Like The Incredible Hulk

I guess they gave precedent to The Rock being able to out-fox police officers and do what he wants by having Brad Maddox, Not A WWE Employee, repeatedly get into the building, wandering around backstage with everybody and pop up at the commentary table and just have everybody roll with it. The match being too short for Maddox to say anything was a nice touch, as was him standing up and kinda walking away toward the crowd like he was the f**king Sasquatch.


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TOPICS#BEST AND WORST OF RAW#WWE#WWE RAW
TAGS3MBAJ LEEALBERTO DEL RIOALICIA FOXANTONIO CESAROBIG E LANGSTONBIG SHOWCM PUNKDaniel BryanDOLPH ZIGGLERDWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSONJACK SWAGGER OF MARSJohn CenaKAITLYNKANELORD TENSAIPAUL HEYMANPRO WRESTLINGRANDY ORTONROYAL RUMBLERYBACKSHEAMUSTAMINA SNUKATHE MIZthe rockVICKIE GUERREROvince mcmahonWADE BARRETTWWE ROYAL RUMBLEZACK RYDER

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