Worst: Nexus On Nexus Violence
The worst thing about Tensai’s latest WWE run (besides that YouTube video where he was riding in a car with Sakamoto and was all CHINKS CAIN’T DRIVE NO CAR) is that he exposed Ryback’s gimmick of Strong Guy. Without the spectacle of him throwing couches and giving the Shellshocking Finale to two guys at once, Ryback is basically just another muscular dude. His Meathook clothesline used to hilariously murder people, and now it just looks like … I don’t know, Chuck Palumbo’s clothesline? If Chuck Palumbo was trying to stop a fire-up from Carlito or whatever, you could see him throwing a clothesline like that, right? Even Heath Slater’s Eve Torres spear sell of it didn’t make it look good, it just looked like Slater jumped backwards and posed on his head.
I don’t know. I’m just sad whenever I see Nexus guys going at it like this. I don’t even like when Daniel Bryan and Darren Young wrestle, and they were both barely Nexus.
And I know I’ve made the “Ryback looks like those guys Ren & Stimpy wrestled” joke before, but seriously, listen to Ryback’s promo, then listen to this:
Yo Lout Brothers, Rock stole your “tear your face off” line.
Worst: Raw Roulette
Remember on the last page, when I mentioned how I don’t like show-long gimmicks? Next week is RAW ROULETTE, which (with the exception of 2011) is right behind The Slammy Awards on my list of least favorite shows of the year. I except 2011, because THAT Raw Roulette was the one that ended with CM Punk going criss-cross applesauce on the stage and briefly changing the direction of pro wrestling FOREVER~.
I never thought I’d type this sentence, but the fulfill your fantasy Pillow Fight is pro wrestling’s Chekhov’s gun. You don’t introduce it on the wheel and talk about how much you want to see it if you aren’t going to land on it later. Raw Roulette always does this — there are few things that would get me more excited than a night of matches with legitimately random stipulations decided by chance, but with the exception of the tornado rules in the tag team match, the stips all seemed like unnecessary tack-ons to normal matches or excuses for wrestlers to be beaten without losing their heat. If Del Rio beat Big Show in a cage match it might be a big deal, but not so much when the cage is just there for some low impact/high give No Mercy strong grapple cage smashes and a prop finish. If R-Truth pinned John Cena it would matter, but if he just pushed him through a table unfairly, nobody really cares.
You’re not only sacrificing my perverse need to see Kelly Kelly vs. Nikki Bella in a barbed wire match and Sin Cara vs. Evan Bourne in a lucha libre pillow fight, you’re making your bad guys look like Miz-level wieners who can’t get it done without a bunch of “buts”. And if there’s one thing wrestling should never put together, it’s wieners and buts.
Also, as a reminder, that “wieners and buts” sentence was just there to set up a Jeff Jarrett buttf**king joke in the next Best.
Best: The Miz Has No Idea How To Do A Figure-Four
The Miz wrestled Dolph Ziggler in a Beat The Clock Challenge, and
what are you doing
no seriously, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OH MY GOD ARE YOU F**KING UP THE FIGURE FOUR AS SOON AS RIC FLAIR GAVE IT TO YOU
NO, STOP SELLING IT, HE’S NOT DOING ANYTHING TO YOUR LEGS
The Miz is in the business of making me look like an idiot, I guess. First I say that turning him face would be a great idea, and he turns into the worst face of all time. Then I’m like, “oh cool, Ric Flair passed down the figure four to him, that’ll be great” and he breaks out what I am not afraid to call THE WORST GODDAMN FIGURE-FOUR IN HISTORY. I have seen Jack Evans do a better figure-four than this. I have seen guys in Ric Flair Halloween costumes, drunk off their asses, put people in better figure-four leglocks than this.
Here’s my new plan for Miz: He should be a heel, and his finish should be the Overdrive. Also, he should never be allowed to wrestle again.
Best: Daniel Bryan’s Hair
So yeah, Daniel Bryan is probably the best wrestler in history at turning lead into gold. I’ve seen him turn just the worst shit into enjoyable wrestling … therapy sketches, abusive relationship angles, 18-second losses at WrestleMania, Sonjay Dutt matches … and last night, in addition to turning a hug-themed graduation skit into memorable TV, he made the worst hair-styling in history look amazing. Seriously, if I can make a reference only for Jon Bois for a second, dude looked like Bonnie Prince Billy.
Best: The Hugging Was Great! Now Let’s Let Them Do Something Else
This was cute. Dr. Shelby’s name being revealed as “Marion” was pretty funny, Daniel’s “…EVERYone?” response to the “how would you feel if everyone hugged” question was top-shelf adorable, and the specificity of people they pointed out and made hug was great.
That said, this needs to be the end of the hugging. I love Team Hell No and I don’t love to fantasy book in this column, but they need to drop the tag straps to Rhodes Scholars at Royal Rumble, have them snap on each other, run a feud through WrestleMania, let Kane retire and let Daniel Bryan go back to being a submission wrestling master who taps out jerks like Sheamus on the reg. That NEEDS to happen. Kane’s career isn’t long for the world, and as funny as Daniel Bryan is, he is too good at Actual Wrestling to permanently steal Santino’s spot.
If you want to have Bryan tap out Kane to end a blood feud at Mania and have them hug on the way out, that would be pretty nice.