Worst: John Cena Is SAYIN’ THANGS
If you’re watching this promo for the first time, you’ll notice that WWE Fan Nation has expertly condensed it into the only 24 seconds of information needed: the Royal Rumble happens on Sunday, and John Cena thinks he will win it.
If you watched it last night on Raw, holy shit what was this dude talking about.
It was like Cena went to management and was like, “yeah, I need to tell people I’m gonna win the Rumble, give me 25 minutes at the end of the show,” and management was all, “oh wow John needs 25 minutes in the main event, he must be saying something important.” And then John shows up and literally all he has to say is “the Royal Rumble is Sunday and I think I’ll win it,” but he’s got 24:30 or whatever to fill so he just starts pointing at imaginary people in the audience and listing all the pop culture things he can remember. He references an XBOX Live user who actually exists, pretty much pulls up Gamefaqs and reads from it for a few minutes, then finds a woman (a WOMAN!) and goes on and on about how she likes to drink and have sex with blow-up dolls, but then loses them, and …? Dude, f**k if I know. Cena’s gone from “I’m clearly sad about my divorce” to I AM A NIGHTMARE TO ANYONE OLDER THAN FIVE.
So … yeah, what on Earth was that? Somebody needs to pull Cena aside backstage and give him a talking to. Rock’s thing about how he’s Martin Luther King was “Cane Dewey” compared to this.
Worst: THIS IS JUST LIKE THE RUMBLE YOU GUYS GOOD NIGHT
How many microphones do you guys own
WWE loves its “the last moment before the Royal Rumble should be everybody fighting like they will in the Royal Rumble” trope more than anything in the world, and it doesn’t matter how they get there, they’re gonna do it. There were 27 guys in the ring, so if we assume those are the Rumble entrants (and that JTG, Hawkins and Michael McGillicutty are seriously in the Royal Rumble) that leaves three surprises. I’m an insider, so you heard it here first: Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, and … let’s say Mordecai.
Honestly, this could’ve been better served as a series of green screen vignettes.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Poor divas division. Every match for the past 5 years would have beat the clock.
Go home Dwayne, you’re drunk.
It’d be pretty awesome if Rock bought that one cop’s ticket, and then the other two cops arrested them both for scalping.
“In a way, we’re both champions. But in another, more accurate way, I am champion.”
There’s something about RAW that is just bad for your soul. Evil is justifiable, rational, logical, identifiable, and genuine. Good is cruel, petty, offensive, absurd, distorted, and hollow.
It’s as if the devil on your one shoulder calmly asked you some rhetorical questions germane to the decision you’re trying to make, and the angel on your other shoulder gave you a wet willy and made fart noises.
Ric Flair gave Miz the Figure Four so his wife couldn’t take it in the divorce.
Sin Cara thought The Miz nailed the Figure Four.
Shelby is the Dr. of Huganomics.
Sheamus: Stop her, Ref!
Referee: I would, but she has a ticket.
Teddy Long is being forcibly restrained backstage.
See you guys on Sunday for the Royal Rumble live thread, then on Monday for the Best and Worst of Rumble, Monday night for the Raw open thread and on Tuesday for the Best and Worst of Raw. And on Wednesday when I chop off my hands to prevent this from happening again.