Best: Bo Dallas, Apparently
I didn’t write about Bo Dallas in the Best and Worst of Royal Rumble 2013 despite him doing a pretty good job, because Rumble matches are long and you can’t write about EVERYTHING, and because my reactions to him were limited to the following:
1. Bo Dallas was probably the worst wrestler in that NXT tournament, and God, how much do I want Leo Kruger to be brought up and paired with Antonio Cesaro in a Grima/Théoden-type thing? I’d even take Sterling James Keenan’s low-rent CM Punk thing over Bo Dallas.
2. “Is Bo Dallas going to Chris Benoit Wade Barrett out of the Rumble? BO DALLAS JUST CHRIS BENOIT’D HIS ASS.”
3. His entrance theme sounds like the Jimmy Hart version of ‘Indian Outlaw.’ When he gets eliminated, it will be Not A Moment Too Soon.
Anyway, I’ve got to admit, I’m feeling Bo Dallas as a main roster guy so far. He’s got a lot of fire, his arm drags look good, his Magnum T.A. style belly-to-belly was on point and he hasn’t had a chance to mess it up, so good for him. Even his Backstage Fallout segment is personable and charming. It’s even better if you compare it to Zack Ryder’s disingenuous buttholery at the end.
Best: The John Cena/Fred Flintstone Tale Of The Tape
So, this happened.
Part of me hopes this was a shot at TNA. The other part of me wants to devote my life to photoshopping WWE vs. Hanna-Barbera tales of the tape graphics, just to set up a bout between Santino Marella and Snagglepuss. They are basically the same guy.
Worst: John Cena Defeats Cody Rhodes In A Buried Alive Match
WWE followed up Cody Rhodes’ star-making performance in the Royal Rumble, epic trouncing of Kofi Kingston and showdown with his brother Goldust by having him lose cleanly to John Cena in 1:50. Like, I don’t love going the “you’re holding back guys I like” route, but god damn this was the worst.
Why did it happen? The only rationale I can figure is that they’ve pushed the idea of John Cena having a “bad year” (you know, that bad year where he beat Brock Lensar and pinned Dolph Ziggler like 700 times), so if they’re gonna do Once In A Lifetime 2: Book Of Shadows they need Cena to steamroll a bunch of guys and look like a monster so he can take the Rock. Other than that … I don’t know. It’s just John Cena perpetuating every unbearable stereotype he’s picked up in the last ten years, showing up to decisively destroy what we love and make a big, never-ending deal out of what we hate.
Rhodes Scholars not interacting and being put into the Intercontinental Cup as singles competitors while Daniel Bryan and Kane face a thrown-together main-event team for no reason makes it even worse. That tag division isn’t long for the world, is it?
Best: Nicely Done, The Shield
As mentioned in previous columns, the John Cena trouncing of +Rhodes and subsequent jabber-promo got me angry enough to hit my limit break, so The Shield showed up and attacked him. I really do enjoy how The Shield appears to be working in the interests of Brandon Stroud specifically. If they show up at National Pro Wrestling Day and attack The Hurricane the second he yells WASSUPWITDAT and poses, I’ll know I’ve got a real Firestarter thing going on.
Anyway, I’d love for these guys to, I don’t know, have matches, but watching them dispatch Cena, Ryback AND Sheamus and bail as the victors (instead of as cowards, like everybody else) made me very happy. If you want them to be a threat, they’ve got to win these fights. They also need to start developing a moveset deeper than “punch” and “make Roman Reigns do it.”
But yeah, F the WWE All-Stars. And LOL at the crowd for chanting “Rocky,” like he cares enough about anyone else on the show to do a run-in. The only way he’d save Cena, Ryback and Sheamus is if he got to Rock Bottom all three of them at once to end it.
Worst: Honky Gaijin Be Trippin’
Not ashamed of being a wrestling fan? QUICK, WATCH THIS
Poor Albert. When he showed up he was The Great Muta, and he had ASIAN MYSTERY and a man-servant and a deadly MOUNTAIN DEW CLAW OF DEATH and he could beat John Cena. One bad match with Ryback and five lingering Sakamoto beatdowns later and he’s doing The Pony or whatever in a negligee for the amusement of f**king nobody.
You’d think the whole HAW, HE’S WEARIN’ LADY CLOTHES thing would’ve stopped making wrestling fans laugh circa Big Vito because of, I don’t know, the advancements in human rights since 2007, but here’s what bothers me the most. Okay, remember back when AJ and John Cena were “dating,” and AJ burst into the men’s locker room, and Cena got all apologetic to Justin Gabriel because AJ had seen Justin in a towel, which shouldn’t have been a big deal because Justin Gabriel wrestles in his underpants, which covers way less than a towel? Yeah, Tensai is taking the bra and panties approach here and acting embarrassed despite wearing WAY more clothes than usual. Upset that it’s ladies underwear? YOU WEAR BRIEFS THAT LOOK LIKE THEY’RE MADE OUT OF FRUIT ROLL-UPS. YOUR ORIGINAL WRESTLING NAME WAS A DICK RING JOKE. This is not as bad as you’ve felt.
Trust me, guys. I know you like your job as Wrestler and all, but if Vince smirks up to you and says “we’re gonna make you do the Pony in Stephanie’s sexy underwear because IT’LL GET YOU OVER” or whatever, you should still respond with “yeah, no.”