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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/28/13: The One Where Tensai Dances In Ladies Underwear

By / 01.29.13

Best: THIS Is How You Do Heel/Face

This was my favorite WWE TV segment in a long, long time.

This is what I’m asking for when I complain about Rhodes Scholars being adorable best friends and Sheamus stealing a dude’s car so he can shit in it because “Mexicans.” You’ve got to reverse those roles. The people you want me to cheer for should be admirable. The people I boo are the ones who should be doing nasty things. There can be exceptions, and anti-heroes and likable rogues can work, but they shouldn’t be the status quo. At its core, wrestling should not forget to have characters like Big Show and Alberto Del Rio.

Del Rio is such an amazing good guy right now. A guy who reached his destiny and was shocked to discover that his true happiness was in sharing it. A guy who humbly opened up to his best friend, became embraced by the people he secretly loved, and will now do anything to stand up for what he believes in. I’ve written about Big Show’s complexities before, and they remain steadfast here — he’s a guy who is good at the core but beaten down by a career of humiliation and disappointment, so he lashes out when he’s embarrassed. The ending to the Last Man Standing match wasn’t him “losing,” it was him being made a joke. Taped to the rope. Now he’s going to do anything he can to erase that memory from peoples’ minds.

They come together, and the dynamics work. Show cares more about hurting this guy who embarrassed him than winning the dumb Raw Roulette match, so he just attacks and tapes him to the ropes. Comeuppance. The announcers helpfully note here that what Del Rio did was okay, because it was a no disqualification match, and what Show is doing is not, because it’s supposed to be a body slam challenge. That’s important. Del Rio did something Show could see as dishonorable, but we could for-real justify as just part of the game. Show’s reaction is to cause the same kind of humiliation to Del Rio, because it’s the worst thing he can imagine. Del Rio, a man who spent two years putting Ricardo Rodriguez in the line of fire, is now made to sit back and watch as Ricardo takes every possible bullet from Show.

See how that works? You still have shades of gray, but they don’t make the entire CHARACTER gray. You’ve still got a guy to cheer and a guy to boo, and they don’t f**k with what works. By the end of that segment the crowd was booing (not just WHAT-ing or sitting on their hands, or reacting to cues and music) and I really, really wanted to see Alberto Del Rio kick The Big Show’s ass.

You are awesome sometimes, wrestling. I HOPE NOTHING ELSE ON THE SHOW IS SUPER TERRIBLE AND MAKES ME TAKE THAT BACK.

Showgirl Rosa Mendes

Best: ‘Sup, Showgirl Rosa Mendes

hey girl

Worst: This Is Not How You Do Anything

I … I don’t know what this was. The Divas division continues to fall apart without Eve Torres around to anchor it. The wrestlers on the outside are dressed up like showgirls because “Las Vegas” and “they’re objects,” and none of them seem to know their alignment. Kaitlyn gets knocked out of the ring, so Alicia Fox just kinda backs up and puts her hands in the air. Aksana waits a few seconds and then is all, “oh, okay,” and starts punching. Somehow that leads to everybody but the people in the ring wrestling, because WOMEN BE CRAZY or something, and it just ends. All the while, the announcers won’t stop talking about how horrible it is. When did this become NXT season 3?

I can’t with this.

Tamina Can't With This

Me too, Tamina.

Best, I Guess: The Rock Is Just Cussing Instead Of Making Up Words (Mostly)

If you want to watch this segment, here you go.

If you need a recap of what happened, here it is in its shortest form: The Rock is the WWE Champion, and he is happy and You People helped him win. CM Punk is NOT happy, and wants a rematch at Elimination Chamber. This is happening. Rock called Punk a “punk ass bitch” like three times, which is pretty wank-worthy coming from the mouth of a 40-year old and not, I don’t know, the bassist from Sum 41, but aside from one mention of Paul Heyman having “deep fried Twinkie tits” he refrained from calling Punk randomly-selected gibberish, so hey, way to go. Punk is bad because he has no balls and is a bitch. Par for the Rock’s course.

Punk should’ve taken some of that “I stick up for women” stuff he claims in real life and done it here, but he briefly made fun of Rock for stupid-cursing, so I’ll give him a thumbs up. I’m pretty sure this feud has already beaten me into writing submission, so … yeah, here’s some fan-fiction.

Jack Swagger Of Mars

Jack Swagger Of Mars

Chapter 10

A horrible rap song about Rodney Mack from 10 years ago that is somehow still being used today rang out through the night, and Jack Swagger, Kaa’orri and the Mars Bandits knew they were now bound by fate and obligation to compete in a two-on-two fight. Jack shared a quick glance with Kaa’orri. She wasn’t sure if she could trust him. He was a stranger on a distant planet. All the same, two hulking green monsters inched closer to them, death in their eyes, fury dripping from the sharp ends of their teeth. It was now, or it would be never.

Jack Swagger Of Mars rolls on, when we come back!


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