Worst: The Inevitable, Part 2, or Que Sera Serock
Whatever will be will IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT WILL BE
I don’t know what I’m supposed to write here. You guys have heard me complain about this guy enough, right? Rock’s not meant for me. He’s a guy from the past, showing up to bring back people who abandoned us in the past, trouncing a guy from today because today isn’t as good as yesterday. The guy who was good enough to carry the company for over a year wasn’t good enough to carry it at the last WrestleMania, so he’s sure not good enough to carry the next one. I’m not a “Punk mark” in the classical sense of the term. I’m not going to throw down my belt and curse at my girlfriend and break my pile of toys because a wrestler I like lost. Hell, I watched my favorite wrestler of the last decade lose in 18 seconds at WrestleMania to a smilin’ stereotype and the worst I did was pout through a Randy Orton match and type a paragraph in all caps.
I don’t like it, but you knew that. I don’t want to write about shows where the Rock is champ, but guess what? He’s probably not going to be the champ at these shows. He’s not going to slum it with Heath Slater on Raw. He’s going to show up at Chamber, and again at Mania, and he’ll either lose the belt or keep it. In May, when everyone else is gone, the belt will go back to somebody we kinda like, or John Cena, and it’ll be business as usual until NEXT winter, when Austin or Abraham Lincoln or whoever shows up from the grave to remind us that everything’s gay and we’re rubes.
Worst: Commissioner Rock, Or The Refusal To Die A Noble Death
The way it ended is really the only thing that bugs me.
Firstly, the McMahon thing still doesn’t sit well with me. McMahon said that if The Shield interfered, Punk would be stripped of the title. He just made this up, because he wanted Punk to lose the belt (like he always has), but now we’re cheering Vince and booing Punk instead of the other way around and … well, anyway. Rock’s about to win the match and the lights go out. When they come up, Rock has been put through a table on the outside. Punk rolls him back in and pins him. The match as it was sanctioned is over. Vince McMahon shows up and decides that even though we didn’t see The Shield interfere, he’s gonna strip Punk anyway, I guess because Michael Cole was going THE SHIELD, THE SHIELD, IT WAS THE SHIELD, THE SHIELD. Rocky stops him and demands the match be restarted, so Vince just lets that happen, and things continue. WHY IS EVERYBODY JUST MAKING SHIT UP ON THE FLY. And furthermore, what kind of dumb motherf**ker is Punk to think “The Shield can’t interfere, or I’ll be stripped, so let’s just turn off all the lights and nobody’ll be able to see it”? Why not just have Paul Heyman hold his hand over Vince’s eyes when it’s time for the run-in? Jesus.
Secondly, I think the Rock restarting the match would’ve been a really amazing way to end things if he’d lost. Here’s what we have now: Punk destroys the Rock, Rock comes back, gets in his big moves, is ready to win, the Shield interferes, Rock loses. Vince waltzes out to strip Punk of the title, but Rock, from his nearly-comatose state on the outside, demands the match be restarted, because he doesn’t want THE PEOPLE to have a match ending like that, or whatever. So the match restarts, Rock comes in as a house of fire, hits a ton of stuff on Punk, comes close to winning like three different times, but Punk does something else shitty (feet on the ropes, whatever) and steals it. Rock ends up looking like a world class gladiator, Punk looks like an awful coward (but still tough enough to be believable in championship matches, a la Ric Flair), Vince doesn’t compromise on his promises, ta da. Instead, we have “Rock restarts the match, gets brutally beaten up, then hits a spinebuster and Punk is DEAD FOREVER so he just does a dancing elbow drop and wins.” The only person who looks good is the Rock, because he’s THE BEST and YOU LOVE HIM.
If you want to read that as “Brandon hates the Rock” go right ahead. Brandon doesn’t hate The Rock. Brandon hates it when wrestling doesn’t try harder than this, because this is awful.
Worst: Welp, I Guess I’m Reviewing Episodes Of Nitro From Now On
Who wants to read about how much I love The Cat? Because I f**king love The Cat.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night, All Rumble Match Edition
Godamilk, on Jericho’s return:
He’s just going to smile and wave, then leave.
Jericho’s not actually in the Rumble, he just bought one of those special Rock tickets
Those kids that are going to come into the ring to dance will be in grave danger.
Sheamus whispering to Tensai: “I liked that video you posted about Asians driving, fella.”
JUMP KOFI JUMP. JUMP LIKE YOU’VE NEVER JUMPED BEFORE.
Kofi’s too stupid to just stay on the Spanish Announce Table the rest of the Rumble
The Godfather has turned his hoes into housewives.
A roro rumber match, yes Kane.
And The Biggest +1 Of All:
Our good friend @JoelVinson went to Royal Rumble dressed like this.
FOLLOW HIM IMMEDIATELY.