With the future of the 2012-13 NHL season still in peril, it’s a relative certainty that teams will undoubtedly have to work harder than ever to retain fans when and if the lockout ever ends. For instance, according to my team of hard-working researchers and tireless fact checkers, the NHL lost approximately 8 billion fans after the last lockout in 2004-05, and that was in addition to the 6 trillion fans it lost in 1994-95.
But now, in news completely unrelated to those absurd figures that I just made up, at least one team is taking precautions to ensure fan retention by implanting microchips in your newborn child’s brains that will be activated when they’re old enough to cheer for blood. Or something like that.
Babies born in Buffalo are already pretty likely to be raised as Buffalo Sabres fans. The hockey team’s taking no chances, though.
Beginning in 2013, newborns at two hospitals will go home with a Buffalo Sabres baby blanket and a certificate from Sabres owner Terry Pegula.
Sabres President Ted Black says the program is a way to welcome the community’s newest additions while perhaps planting a seed of passion for the game. (Via WHEC News 10)
Not to be outdone, Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson and CEO Russ Brandon will actually let your newborn child coach the team in 2013. Hell, chances are that even a baby could run CJ Spiller more than 12 times per game.
And since we haven’t had any actual hockey action to speak of, let’s revisit the most important hockey video ever made…