Best: Damien Sandow Versus Country Music
I know I said wrestling heels should be these abrasive, awful types, but I’m still very happy that Damien Sandow exists. Kurt Angle was the best wrestler in the world when he was mostly about visiting local towns and telling them their sports teams sucked. Then he put in a mouthpiece and got all serious and sinewy. You can give me all the 20 minute promos about how you’re the best in the world and that’s all well and good, but I would for-real rather hear Damien Sandow talk about how it’s stupid to miss your dog for 90 seconds.
Worst: Damien Sandow Losing In One Minute, Even To Boss Babyface World Champion Alberto Del Rio
I can’t say I dug the Sandow/Del Rio match, which should’ve been given the 10 minutes they gave Ziggler/Kane. It’s like I was saying before, Sheamus is the only main-event WWE guy you’re allowed to have a competitive match with, for some reason. If you’re Sandow and you wrestle Sheamus, you look like a million bucks. You go back and forth, you almost pull out the victory a few times, and even when you get Brogue Kicked, Sheamus is breathing heavy and pink like raw chicken and selling your effort. When you wrestle Cena, he is smiling and yammering at the camera before you’ve hit the ground. I guess the same goes for babyface Alberto Del Rio.
That said, I do very much adore Del Rio’s face run, especially in the ring. He does what I thought the Miz could do — he has a natural, sincere energy that comes through and makes the moves pop, like he’s actually trying to compete hard and win instead of just remembering what to do. When he beat Sandow in a minute, he didn’t play it off like it was expected. He got up and pumped his fist and let out a breath of excited relief, because he’d managed to lock on the arm-breaker and get the win quicker than he’d expected because he was on a roll. That’s cool. That’s a guy I’m cheering for, even if I think he should’ve done it to Primo or whoever instead of Sandow.
Best: LOL Kofi Kingston
I love that Kofi Kingston is like a parrot. You just cover him with a sheet and he’s out for the night. He’s even the same colors as a parrot most of the time.
Wade Barrett is losing my love fast. This thing against Kofi was predictably bad, his finish isn’t getting any better (as much as I love yelling DOG BONER, DOG BONER at my television screen) and I’ve seen him lose clean to Important Superstars enough now that he needs to shit or get off the pot. Get into a compelling thing with somebody who is not Sneak Attackin’ Bo Dallas and stop wrestling matches against anybody worse of a wrestler than you. Seriously. Feud with Daniel Bryan for a while or something to get your mojo back. Right now you are big-ass English Carlito.
Worst: Lawler And Cole Not Remembering Basic Wrestling History In Favor Of Just Calling The Lady Who Is Doing Nothing Wrong A Whore
So Kane and Dolph Ziggler are wrestling, and Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole, as they are wont to do, start talking amongst themselves about AJ. The following conversation is paraphrased:
King: “Who was AJ with this time last year?”
Cole: “WHO KNOWS”
King and Cole: (are chucklemonsters)
Cole: “She won a SLAMMY AWARD for BEST KISS-”
This is where my Angry Wrestling Fan thing kicks in. No, not because they think AJ is a whore for having kissed more than one guy in a calendar year. I’m mad because the wrestling announcers cannot remember what happened before December. That’s as far back as their memories go.
Here, let me help you guys out: She was with Daniel Bryan. Remember when you mentioned Daniel Bryan winning the Elimination Chamber last year? Yeah, that set up the WrestleMania match with Sheamus, which involved AJ kissing Daniel Bryan before the match and being “bad luck,” allowing Sheamus to boot him and win the belt in 18 seconds. That caused them to break up, which was the impetus for that company-wide romance arc that continued from, oh, let’s say April until F**KING JANUARY and involved your top stars and champions. But no, I guess it’s better to go ahead and rewrite history so that AJ’s always been a mouth-whore and the Slammy Awards are WWE’s Zero Hour. Good job, guys. Keep enjoying your job about talking about what happens on wrestling.
Best: A Solid 10-Minute Match After All These Squashes
The Ziggler/Kane thing was pretty good. It wasn’t anything special, but despite how much I liked all the squashes on the show, they WERE mostly all squashes. You’ve got room for 5 squashes and a couple of long, quality matches on a weekly 3-hour wrestling show.
Getting Ziggler out of the Elimination Chamber originally made sense, but now you’ve gone and put Jericho INTO the Chamber, so the obvious Ziggler/Jericho singles match is off the table and … you’ve basically just telegraphed Ziggler’s cash-in, Jericho winning the chamber match and the Ziggler/Jericho World Heavyweight Championship match at WrestleMania. Maybe I’m over-thinking it and am totally wrong, but after watching the Royal Rumble, I can’t imagine them doing something a fifth-grader couldn’t soothsay.
Best: Team Rocket
I could watch the AJ/Dolph/Big E Langston team interact all day. I like watching them have mishaps. Example:
I couldn’t figure out why I liked them so much, but With Leather reader Lester explained it with one of the best things I’ve ever seen, and I’m going to dare to show it to you without a big WITH LEATHER watermark across the middle. PREPARE FOR TROUBLE~!
Important note: This makes Vickie Guerrero Ash and Chris Jericho Pikachu. Which makes sense, because they have the corresponding haircuts.