Best: Calm-Ass John Cena, Makin’ His Point, Even If He’s Wrong
John Cena is wrong. Totally wrong. Him pulling the “for once it’s not about CM Punk” card is ridiculous, considering that he’s been the dynastic face of the company for the last decade, not to mention the fact that his Personal Interest matches always took precedent over CM Punk’s title defenses. Punk’s been champion for 400 days! Should he go on last, in the showcase match of the pay-per-view? NO, JOHN CENA’S HAVING TROUBLE WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND LET’S GIVE THEM 40 MINUTES.
In fact, Punk is wrong, too. It’s just as ridiculous for him to claim that John Cena “can’t win the big one” because he lost one match to the Rock at WrestleMania following, I don’t know, 600,000 consecutive risings-against-odds on every Raw, Smackdown and pay-per-view since 2006.
That all said, I’m giving Raw’s opening segment based solely on the fact that when Punk made his rebuttal, Cena responded to it like a regular human being instead of whipping out the SASSY PREACHER VOICE RIGHT HERE TA-NIGHTT thing he loves so much. He just frankly told Punk what was up, and I liked it. One big Worst, though:
Worst: The Logistics Of Giving Other People A Shot At Your Royal Rumble Title Shot
This has always bugged me. The Royal Rumble is, according to WWE lore, the hardest pro wrestling match to win. Only a handful have done it, and the winners always go on to WrestleMania to compete in
the a high-profile main-event. It’s more than a title shot, it’s a title shot in front of the biggest crowd on the biggest show on the biggest night in your industry. A Best Picture acceptance speech.
One thing that bothers me about John Cena is that he forces every other character on the show to avoid mentioning the loop hole that whenever he’s the champion, they could just waltz up and get a title shot whenever they wanted. John Cena values a match RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW COME GET SOME over f**king everything. If he’s the champion, this is good for everyone else. Punk should want Cena to be the champion when he’s not, because he can just ask for a shot right there, and Cena will give it to him. Justin Gabriel could interrupt a Cena speech, ask for a title shot, call John a coward or something and get it. That’s it. That’s the entire process. Doesn’t have to be cleared with anybody, doesn’t have to be run through the board of directors. John demands it, and it is so.
In fact, it’s BETTER to do that than to get a Rumble title shot. With that, you’ve got the pressure of performing at WrestleMania. A guy like Tensai has proven he can beat Cena on Raw. He might not be able to beat him at a big show under the big house lights, but he can get the duke on the show. So if I’m Tensai, wouldn’t I do my best to piss off Cena on the regular and get whatever he’s earned?
Here we’ve got Cena with a Royal Rumble title shot, willing to put it on the line against a dude who he hasn’t beaten in any nominal way since Spring 2011 because … because why? Because he loves to fight? He loves wrestling matches? This is your job, John. If you care about the WWE Championship so much, you should value and respect the opportunities that’re given, and not just offer them to somebody because they looked at you weird.
Also, Derrick Bateman, if you’re reading this, challenge John Cena to a Hell In A Cell match at Extreme Rules immediately. He’ll accept it. I know he will.
Best: Chris Jericho Name-Dropping The Nexus
This isn’t really special, but I’m including it because there are certain things you can namedrop and always get Brandon’s love. The short list includes
- SNES/PS1 Final Fantasy games
- THE NEXUS
- Thora Birch’s filmography
And until Sheamus and Ryback have a backstage discussion about Ghost World, I will take Chris Jericho saying “I’ve seen this before with the nWo and the Nexus” and love it. I’m serious, guys, reuniting the Nexus now with proven IC Champ Barrett, wacky Daniel Bryan, Ryback and the others (who all have characters for real now) would be your best-ever idea.
Best: Sin Cara Couldn’t Beat Mark Henry If He Had A Spear And Ten Other Dudes Helping Him
Things I loved about this:
1. MARK HENRY
2. How much of a dumb idiot Sin Cara was for taking this match. I value cruiserweight wrestling and think that shit Nitro used to pull where they’d cart Scott Steiner out to beat up three young talented smaller guys was the worst, but there is no universe wherein Sin Cara should be able to hit Mark Henry with ANYTHING and hurt him. Sin Cara could get into a car and drive it into Mark and I wouldn’t accept a sell greater than backing up and shaking his head.
3. indiscriminate Mark Henry yelling
4. THE GREAT KHALI being the “savior,” and Mark selling that in the only way you can: by rolling out of the ring, wanking at Khali dismissively and mocking his dancing.
5. MARK HENRY DANCING
I said it last week, but Mark Henry’s return to Raw makes Raw a thousand times better. Everything he does puts a smile on my face, even if the main-event spots are limited and those things include “making fun of the guy who can’t bend his legs’ dance moves.”
Worst: Fandango Is Reaching Glacier Territory
what are you doing
what what what are you doing
I’m worried that Fandango stopped being “Johnny Curtis doing an awesome sleazy ballroom dancer gimmick” like a month ago and they’ve decided to go the Glacier route of making fun of him when he debuts after a billion years, or maybe even the Dustin Rhodes “Seven” thing where he debuts, realizes its stupid and decries it. Also known as the Beaver Cleavage Thing. I just want Johnny Curtis on my television.
Johnny Curtis, if you’re reading this because Bateman forwarded it to you, challenge John Cena to a WWE Championship inferno match at Over The Limit or whatever. Trust me, he’ll take you up on it.
Best/Worst: The Cesaro/Miz Match Was Fun, But I Am Not Buying Miz’s Figure-Four As A Critical
I liked most of this match. Cesaro is pretty bulletproof as far as match quality goes these days, and I liked that if Miz had to win, he did so via a series of lucky moves and a flash-pin version of his submission. Things just worked out for him, and he got the champ to tap. I also like to think that Cesaro only tapped because the belt was on the line, and because the match was meaningless.
What I didn’t like is that Miz still doesn’t know how to do the figure-four. Sure, it LOOKS right now, but he did it to the wrong leg. The pressure of the figure-four is applied to the straight leg, not the bent one. All the bent one is doing is sitting there bent like a leg bends. Cesaro kneed the chair in the ropes with his left leg, and Miz applied the hold on the right. WATCH TAPES, MIZ.