The Best And Worst Of Impact Wrestling 3/13/13: Everyone Knows It’s Windy

By: 03.18.13  •  43 Comments

Best: Tara

Girl, you are killin’ it with the Chicago-themed gear tonight. +312

Worst: The Knockouts Division

Maaan. It’s hard to complain that the Knockouts have a legitimate storyline occurring other than “One has bigger boobs than the other,” but I am not into this at all. Tara, the second best wrestler they have, has been tossed out like yesterday’s garbage. Velvet Sky, who wrestles like yesterday’s garbage, is a meaningless champion who gets the pin on Tara in Chicago, which makes me just about as angry as that time Beth Phoenix didn’t beat Kelly Kelly for the belt at Night of Champions in Buffalo. Gail Kim is stuck in a dumb feud that makes no sense, and Taryn Terrell is…there. Don’t get me wrong, her spear at Lockdown was about a gajillion times better than anything Kaitlyn has pulled off lately, but unless she has somehow absorbed some wrestling prowess via osmosis in the past couple of weeks, I am not looking forward to the inevitable Taryn-Gail matches.

All of that isn’t even touching on the fact that, despite blowing calls and repeatedly putting her hands on a wrestler, she’s only on super-secret double probation. I know Brooke is “in charge” of the Knockouts division, and she’s busy practicing her sad faces in the mirror for the next time she’s on TV, but no one else in the company has any power to do anything? She’s not Teflon Taryn, guys. Come on.


Oh Brooke. Don’t ever piss off the graphics guys. Never ever ever piss off the graphics guys.

Worst: Robbie on Robbie Violence


Best: Hogan and Sting, Fallout Boys

I was a little worried when this segment began, given that Bully is back to being a shouty jerk and not much more, and Hogan seemed to have reverted to his overacting tendencies. Thankfully, it was just a rough start and my love of the Hogan saga can continue. Sting approaches Hogan in his makeshift arena office, begging Hogan not to fire Bully Ray so he can fight him on this very night. Well here go hell come, Hogan is having none of what Sting is laying down. He points out that he told Sting, from the beginning, not to trust Bully Ray. That he knew who he was, but Sting “stared all the way into his soul” and told Hogan to trust him. Now the company is being held hostage, Bully has the title, and his daughter is stuck in a marriage to Bully Ray, and it’s all Stings fault. Hogan completely turns his back on Sting, and it’s…oh guys, it’s good.

Worst: How does I movie?

Despite being an entirely effective promo, and giving me all sorts of thoughts and feels, man, Hogan, haven’t you ever seen a movie before? I know you’ve been in them – my DVD shelf proves that. Unless Hogan is really into art house films and made No Holds Barred ironically, I’m pretty sure that the “good guys” will find a way to prevail because that’s generally how most movies work. Come on Hogan, on the first light of the fifth day, at dawn look to the east and it’ll all be fine. Well, either that or we’ll find out he’s been completely delusional this whole time, and he’s strapped to a chair somewhere in the Impact zone being observed by Sting and Dixie Carter, humming Real American and dreaming of escaping Orlando.

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